Animals/Pets
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Puppy BootCamp Begins In Five Days
Finally, four more working days and then I get a vacation. At long last!!! It’s been over a year and this year, since I now have dogs, plans have changed. I will not be “going” anywhere. But I will be starting, “Puppy Bootcamp” because I have 216+ hours with these hoodlums and by GOD they will be trained by the end of it.
Some of the things they will be learning:
Come This means, come to me when I fricken call you already, for the love of God, get your doggy bootie over here!!!
Shake Because every dog should know this stupid trick. (If they are really smart, I may teach them how to say, “howdy” to go along with the shake when they meet new people.)
Sit Put your butt, on the ground, right now. (We are working on this and if it means they are about to get food or to go outside, they’ve mastered it. If the command is given for any other reason, suddenly they don’t speak English anymore.)
No As in, ‘no’ means ‘no’ and not, ‘I’ll think about it’.
Stay Even if a grasshopper jumps across the road in front of you, you fricken stay!
Learning To Respect My Things And The Things I Bought For You That Cost Me A Lot Of Money ie; indoor bathroom-thou shalt not rip up the sod at each corner and fling it around the entire house with glee.
Get Off The Couch You did not work hard for 8 hours, in the boiling sun that would result in a need to relax on the couch. Get your ass back on the floor. If you need something soft, get in your bed.
No Barking! Unless there is an intruder--a leaf blowing across the street is NOT an intruder.
Heel You are not a sled dog and I am never said, “mush”, so stop fucking pulling! (They may be a little young yet for this one but we’re going to try.)
I Am The Alpha You are not-you never have been and you never will be, I don’t care how cute you are, so give it a rest.
Again, You Are NOT The Alpha Pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move ON.
Cats When the cat smacks you across your nose, you deserved it, you do not get to bark at them in retaliation.
Wait Not “stay”, “wait”...for example, I go out the door first. You are to sit and wait, by the door, until I tell you, ‘ok’. Same with meal times. Sit and wait. I put the food dish on the floor, you sit and wait until I tell you, ‘ok’. I lead, not you. I decide when you eat, not you. I pay the bills around here, you just lounge around and fling grass all over my house. You don’t get to make the rules.
Settle Thine Self Do you realize what a spastic you look like right now? Have some fricken class and dignity. Today we are going to observe the cats. See how calm they are? Do they flail around like morons? No. Learn from them.
Treats You know, very well, what treats are but now you are beginning phase 2 of the treats training. Let’s say for example, that you do something right or good such as use your indoor bathroom and I am rewarding you. I congratulate you, throw you a ticker tape parade and then comes time for the treats. You must sit and wait, PATIENTLY, for the treats. I will bring the treat, in my hand, close to your noses but you do NOT get to sniff that treat, lick that treat or gobble that treat...you are to wait, PATIENTLY, until I say, “ok” and ONLY then may you take the treat, lightly and gracefully, from my hand. You do not get to snap it from my hand as if you’ve been starving for three weeks and gulp it down like a snake inhaling a rat.
Down It’s only cute when you’re puppies. Eventually people tire of dogs jumping on them so nok it off!
Sliding Glass Door This is glass. It is a solid. You cannot run through a solid glass door. Unless it breaks. It will break if you continue to hurl your body against it every time you see me come home. Sit and wait, PATIENTLY, for me to come inside.
Once they’ve mastered those, I will then work on teaching them how to sniff certain things out. Drugs, cadavers, cancer, you know.
Any other ideas I’ve not thought? Suggestions, assvice, comments?
Friday, August 20, 2010
It Is To Laugh
How I love it when drug addict alcoholics think they are smarter than me. One of the things I’ve learned about dogs is that you need consistency, consistency, consistency and if you change the routine even ONCE, you have to start all over.
I learned this one the extremely hard way with Pandora, she who was also consistent in just waiting for an opportunity to take over the alpha role. So I do know when something has changed in the routine.
These puppies are pretty damn smart, (as most labs are), and they pick up instruction and training rather quickly. They know, when we go outside, the very first thing they do is go to the bathroom. They do that and THEN they get to play, NOT the other way around.
I came home after work tonight to walk the little hoodlums and suddenly, everything was off. Not only would they not go in their designated spots, they wouldn’t go at all. It was like they feared their usual spots. And I started to wonder exactly what happened today to change everything, while I was at work.
If you’ve been reading along, you will know that I have a neighbor kid helping me out during the day while I’m at work until he goes back to school next week. I told him my rules for the dogs, “They go to the bathroom first, then they get to play”. He nodded his head in agreement. I showed him where the boy dogs likes to pee and where he likes to go for further business. I showed him where the girl dog likes to pee and where she likes to go for further business meetings.
But today, they wouldn’t go in their spots. Today, it took forever to get them to even go at all. And that is getting on my nerves.
I have concluded that one of two things has happened today.
1) Neighbor kid flat out disregarded the rules for the dogs and now we have to start all over.
2) Another neighbor, who also has dogs and completely scoffs when I tell him, “No, my dogs cannot come over and meet your dogs right now, they are in training and they have to go to the bathroom first”, saw neighbor kid walking the dogs today and despite what I have told him, went right up to neighbor kid with his dogs to meet and play with my dogs.
I’m leaning towards number 2 because neighbor kid is pretty good about following direction and all has been working well up to this point. I have, however, had issues with other neighbor with dogs basically letting me know he thinks my rules are bullshit. For example, yesterday morning I took the dogs out before work. As they were getting ready to do their first order of business, (in a grassy area next to my house), Other Neighbor came out with his dogs. He saw the puppies and started getting his dogs all hyped up about coming over to the puppies to play.
I firmly told him, “No.” He stated that his dogs were not going to hurt my puppies. I KNOW that, asshole! I said, “That is not why I’m holding them close. I’m holding them close and not allowing them to meet and play because they are in training and must use the bathroom FIRST. When they have completed that task, they can then play.”
He scoffed and scowled and waved his hand completely dismissing what I just said and continued to bring his dogs closer to my puppies. Of course now my puppies have completely forgotten why they were out there in the first place and were jumping in place trying to get to the big dogs. I said again, “NO! AGAIN, I said, they are NOT to play until they go to the bathroom. There is nothing further to discuss. And I don’t frankly care if you like that rule or not. YOU are not the one walking my dogs at 2am and 4am being eaten alive by mosquitoes.”
He huffed and puffed about that and said some bullshit under his breath and pulled his dogs away.
Once they were out of sight, my dogs finally calmed down and went to the bathroom. Der.
So, I’m thinking that at some point, neighbor kid came over, was walking the dogs and Other Neighbor came out with his dogs and basically said, “Fuck you” to my rules and allowed the dogs to play before they went to the bathroom. And neighbor kid isn’t going to say shit because he’s a kid and this is an adult and I’m guessing he doesn’t completely get it what I mean by ‘no playing’.
I’m almost positive that is what happened today because it’s like night and day in the dog’s behavior.
Therefore, I have no other recourse but to walk the dogs myself and use training pads in the house during the day. First of all, I’m not putting neighbor kid in the middle of this because he’s only 11 or 12 years old. No way. Second of all, I want to confront that mother fucker Other Neighbor and tell him a fucking thing or two if I find out that is what happened. And, unfortunately, until these assholes can fucking respect my SIMPLE FUCKING REQUESTS with my dogs, neighbor kid isn’t going to walk them anymore, not even on the weekends when he’s out of school and I’m working.
I hate to take that fun away from him...he really does enjoy walking them...but I’m also not putting him in the middle of an adult disagreement.
And now I have to FUCKING START ALL OVER with training these dogs when going outside and I have to tell you, that really fucking chaps my hide like you wouldn’t believe. We had made so much progress to have one person fuck it all the fuck up in one day.
There is a possibility it was fault of neighbor kid. I doubt it but there is a chance. And if that is the case, then I guess his dog walking days are over, at least where my dogs are concerned.
So many of my neighbors are complete losers, complete drug addicts, complete alcoholics, completely fucking STUPID and they want to give me assvice like they know better than I do. Yah, right, I’m going to listen to you assholes.
One neighbor never takes his dog to the vet. He wonders why I don’t bring my puppies around his dog that much. Oh, I don’t know, it may have something to do with you asking me to help you find the ticks on your dog, once. I don’t need my dogs getting ticks because YOU can’t properly care for your animal.
He of the Shitty Underpants keeps his dog inside a cage in the house ALL. DAY. LONG. The ONLY time that dog is out of the cage is when they take the dog out to use the bathroom and that is about 5 minutes, twice a day. And they are always yelling at the poor thing the entire walk. I’m sure as fuck not listening to that assface.
Another neighbor has two doxies that are, for the most part, behaved and he walks them off leash. The only problem is, you will hear, every single day, and I mean, every. single. day. him yelling for his dogs to follow him to come home. You can set your watch by it because he gets home and walks the dogs for about 20 minutes and then you’ll start to hear, “Nathan! Nathan! NATHAN! NATHAN! Nathan, come here gottdamnit! Nathan! Nathan! NATHAN! Gottdamn dog...get over here...damnit Nathan!” (This is verbatim. I hear it every day and I also know that when I hear this, it’s about 5:30pm.)
And finally, another neighbor has three dogs and the dogs are very friendly and playful. But they do not listen to their owner at all. They run out in to the street, they run in other people’s yards, they are out of control. They’re happy...but they’re going to get themselves hurt one day because they come back when THEY want to come back.
Then of course, as I’ve said, co-workers like to tell me how to “get a dog to respect you” and, as I pointed out in an earlier post, like to pantomime hitting the dog. They then say that some dogs cannot be trained.
No, twat, some HUMANS cannot be trained.
So, I will take over this business of walking them myself. I ordered a thing for them to use in the house when I’m not home...we’ll see if it works well. I have hope. They have used the little pad in the house a couple of times, in the same spot so I’m sure that I can get them to use this thing that’s coming. And that will make things less anxious for everyone and I won’t have to deal with assholes disrespecting my wishes no matter WHO is walking my dogs.
And, in about....well, probably less than a year, my dogs will emerge and they will see that my dogs listen to ME, not them, not traffic, not squirrels, not anything else...ME. They will go when I tell them to go, they will come when I tell them to come, they will sit when I tell them to sit and they will perform all sorts of ridiculous tricks.
I long for that day simply because it makes both me and the dogs feel good about things in regard to our lives together but also to show these fucking pieces of shit, THIS is how you train a dog, you fuckwits.
Having said that, I’ll take a moment to make a prediction: When they see this, they’ll say it’s because labs are smart and completely disregard all the work I put in to it..you know, as if the puppies were BORN acting this way. Because these assholes cannot STAND to be shown they’re wrong. Especially by a girl.
I really should start playing the lottery. I really should.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
How?
How on earth could anyone dump these guys? How is it possible for a human to be that way?
Right now I’m looking at those dog litter/potty things because I’m gone so long and the neighbor kid is going back to school in a week. Anyone ever use those? If so, any suggestions, recommendations, advice on products to steer clear from? These would only be used during the day while I’m gone, not as an alternative to walking...I’m not an idiot. I know dogs need to be exercised and walked. I do need something for the times when I’m not here and they gotta go and can’t wait.
I don’t want to do crate training because they aren’t supposed to be in the crate that long. I did crate training with Pandora and it does work well but I had a job at the time that allowed me to be home more often or take her with me plus I had roommates who would help out. But I can’t leave a dog in a crate for 9 hours. No.
So, the only other solution, since I do not have a fenced yard, is to get one of those litter things. I’ve seen some with pellets, (which I really don’t like), and some with fake grass. Just wondering if they actually work because they seem kind of expensive. And I don’t want a product that I have to keep buying things for; I want something that I can just clean and not have to refill with more money.
I am looking at one product but man does it cost a lot. I guess it may be worth it in the end.
Plus it’s going to be weird to train them that they can go inside the house when they’ve learned so quickly that they shouldn’t. Gah.
Monday, August 16, 2010
So It Shall Be
Took the pups to the vet today. Wanted to know what they were, how old they were, how big they would get, were they healthy, etc.
They are Lab mix, the tiniest bit of Chow but not much and something else, who knows. They are about 3 months old. The girl dog weighs 13.3 pounds. The boy dog weighs 18. something pounds. The vet said to expect them to get double that but don’t expect much more. That means that girl dog will be under 30 pounds and boy dog will be around 40 or so. That means, small dogs. They will not be the big dogs I thought they were going to be.
So. I’m keeping them. I can manage smaller dogs. In fact, these two dogs combined will equal the one dog I used to have as far as size and weight.
I expect this to be a serious challenge, raising two puppies at the same time as I remember it was a lot of work with just one puppy, so many years ago. But I’ve learned a lot because of my other dog, Pandora. I’ve learned where I went wrong and I learned where I went right. I also have a better idea what to expect in the future that I was very unaware of back then. I know they will go through what I call the “teenage gangly year” where they aren’t so cute anymore, get a serious attitude, test and test and test again until I think I want to murder them, (of course I wouldn’t and I didn’t with Pandora either so don’t even start to get upset), but this time, because I know it’s coming, I’ll know better how to handle it.
I’ve had them for one week and I’ve already been training them although not too seriously because I didn’t know if I was keeping them. I thought I’d teach them a little bit in preparation for their new homes but now I can get serious.
So after the vet, we went to PetSmart and got more supplies. The first time I went I only got the bare minimum; I got collars, leashes, puppy food and a toy or two. This time, I went all out knowing what I’ll need for raising and training these puppies to be great dogs.
I’m exhausted like you wouldn’t believe. But I also know, and I do know this because it happened before, that despite how tired I am now, it will. be. worth. it. in the end. I know that I have to go through this non stop training, the getting up every two hours to take them outside during their housebreaking training, the lack of sleep to correct them when they try to get away with something....I’m about to fall over I’m so tired.
But it will be worth it just like it was worth it with Pandora. I will get sleep again. They will be good dogs and it will prove to some who think they know better than me that I do know how to communicate with dogs so that they follow their leader, me, and not the other way around.
I tell co-workers and neighbors that they are in training. No, I am not scared that your dogs will hurt these puppies, that is not why I’m holding their leash tight and keeping the pups close to me. It’s because they are in training and just because your dogs passed by at that precise moment does not mean it’s play time for these pups.
For example, I’m currently training them that when we go outside, the first thing they need to do is fricken go to the bathroom. Do that and THEN you can sniff around and chase bugs and run like a lunatic. But not until you fricken pee, damnit because at midnight, when I have to get up AGAIN, I don’t want to spend a half an hour while the puppies are fucking around. Midnight, 2am, 4am, etc is “do your business time” not “frolic around the neighborhood” time. That time comes later in the day.
I’ve also had people suggest they know what I mean when I say I teach my dog who the leader is. “Oh yah, I showed my dog who the boss was, too”, they say as they mime a punch to an invisible dog face. “But that doesn’t always work.”
Well, fuckface, the reason your way doesn’t work is because your dog didn’t respect you as pack leader, it was fucking scared of you. Of course it’s not going to do what you want when it fears you, moron.
Anyway, everyone has something to say and assvice to give and treat me like I don’t know what I’m doing but I had a very well behaved dog before and it was all my hard work. It was not the work of a trainer, it was MY hard work. And it will be MY hard work AGAIN that will turn these pups in to the best behaved dogs, best trained dogs, most obedient dogs and dogs who can do the dumbest tricks that they’ll have ever seen.
And then they can all suck it.
So, yep, I now have two dogs. Their names are Shasta, (the boy), and Sakari, (the girl). I named Shasta after Mt. Shasta in California because it’s one of my most favorite places on earth. I gave Sakari her name because she is very affectionate and sweet and Sakari means “sweet” in Eskimo.
They’re still learning their names. They just got them, give them time.
Ok, right now the pups are passed out so maybe I can actually get a bit of sleep right now, too. God knows I need it.
Oh, just wanted to add real quick, for those of you with pets...I had forgotten about this since it’s been so long since I had a dog. If you have pets, cats, dogs, anything with fur that gets everywhere, don’t even bother with those stupid rolls of “pet tape” that lifts hair off the furniture and clothes...or at least, some of the hair...and you have to always get more and they really just don’t work that well and are a pain in the ass.
No, what you get are those rubber brushes for dogs. You’ll find them in the grooming section of your local pet store. They are rubber and you can use them to brush your dog but they work the absolute best of anything out there, for getting pet hair off your furniture, carpet, whatever. I was getting the pups a brush today and saw one of those and thought, >forehead smack< “How on earth did I forget about these things?!” I grabbed one and when I got home, I collected so much pet hair that those waste of money “tape” or velcro products do not get, that the vacuum cleaner doesn’t get and what a difference in the place.
I’m telling you kids, risk the $7 for one, take it home and try it. See what I mean. When you start seeing all the pet hair come up so easily, you may thank me by cleaning your house.
Ok....sleep. I need sleep.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I Wear Shirts With A Big "S" On The Front
The “S” would be for “Sucker”!
Kids, my God, these dogs are growing on me. They are so incredibly good. And I fantasize about the things I can teach them, the really cool off leash park with all kinds of obstacle course equipment I can take them to, the joy of having a couple of great companions that will double as great guard dogs, (and I mean that because they are already attached to me and throw an all out FIT when I leave for work in the morning).....
What the hell am I gonna do?
They are learning to leave the cats alone and the cats are already coming out of hiding, walking past them, sniffing at them when they’re sleeping...sure, their guard is still up and a sudden move by the dogs OR me can send them running back to my bedroom but I can envision a future of all of us living in harmony.
I think to myself, I can make the time. I don’t have a yard for them to run in during the day but I didn’t have that with my other dog in Seattle and we did fine. Yah, my place isn’t that big but is it big enough? I don’t know how big these dogs will get. I forget who said this but in a comment below, someone said they surely aren’t purebred and that person is more than likely right. They have some purple spots on their tongues...maybe some Chow?
I don’t think they’ll get as big as regular labs....but I could be wrong. I really need to know how big they will get as that will be a major determination in my final decision. At this time, I can afford this. Can I do this? Should I do this?
I think the dogs should stay together as they are quite protective and dependent on each other. I know that isn’t always possible when they are put up for adoption although I do know that rescues try hard to do that if they think it should happen.
Gah. What am I doing even thinking about this?
Yah, I love animals but I have been able to say ‘no’ to many. I don’t like saying, ‘no’ but I know that I have to at times.
But....there’s just something about these dogs. And no, it’s not because they are puppies...it’s not that. It’s something about them....I’ve learned how to train and I know these dogs are smart, (Labs tend to be very smart), and I know I can turn these in to very well behaved, obedient, fun dogs. I know they will protect me if I need it. I know I can teach them stupid dog tricks. I know we can bring each other joy. I know they and the kittehs will learn to live together well and get along and man do I miss having my dog around to play with my cats and vice versa.
Pandora, my dog I had, a shepard/rott/lab mix, 75 pounds, used to play with Serenity all the time. They would chase each other around the house, taking turns being the chaser. There is nothing funnier than watching a tiny white cat chase after a 75 pound, always wanting to be the alpha, dog around and around the place.
Gah. I would love to have a dog again and I’ve always made excuses for not having one since Pandora. Am I just making excuses or am I right not to have one at this time? I honestly do not know.
This isn’t about being smitten by puppies. Yes, puppies are cute and adorable and funny....but I know they grow up and become big dogs. It’s that big dog future that I’m imagining....and it seems so promising and delightful.
Sigh....I’m still up in the air on this, not sure what is the right thing to do for them. I know with a rescue they will go to a good home. I know rescues are pretty strict with who they will adopt out to, especially with dogs. I’m not worried about that so I know that isn’t coming in to play with my indecisiveness.
Man...I don’t know what to do.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I Really Hate People
This post isn’t really what you think it’s going to be about. Not really.
The dinner/party wasn’t until 8pm, (which sucked because I thought it was after they got off of work and was looking forward to being home by 8pm), and it lasted for quite awhile. I’m fricken exhausted. I want to go to bed.
But I cannot do that.
Ok, I ended up going with German girl. I drove so I had to come back out to where I work after it was all over. As I was parking the car, I noticed two, young, black puppies in my headlights. What the fuck!?!?!
Gottdamnit! Do NOT tell me this is what I think it is!
I looked around to see if anyone might be walking the dogs, (we have an RV park), but, of course, no one was around. No one showed. They have no tags, no id, nothing.
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
That means that some ASSHOLE dumped them off in the Everglades. People do this shit all the time and I am getting fucking sick and tired of it. If you do not want your pets, TAKE THEM TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT!
FUCK!
I waited outside, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, waiting, hoping, wishing, someone would come claim them. Of course that did NOT happen. Because they were dumped.
I can’t leave them out there in the Everglades. They are puppies. They WILL die.
FUCK!
Sigh.
So, I scooped them up and I brought them home. What the fuck else can I do at midnight thirty? What else can I do? Leave them there? Hell no! I could never live with myself knowing they would die and I did nothing.
FUCK!
When we got inside my place, I put out a big bowl of water which they lapped up greedily. I don’t have dog food so I tried putting out cat food but they didn’t want anything to do with that. I went and got a sleeping bag and put it on the floor next to my sliding glass door and informed them that this is where they would be sleeping tonight.
They whimpered a bit. Followed me everywhere. Barked at the cats, one of them chased a cat or two, (my cats are NOT happy), but I would bring them back to their blanket, (sleeping bag), tell them “lay down”, push their butts on the ground and do a whole lot of Cesar Milan style “Scht!!!!!” s.
They are black, probably black labs. They are very young. I’d guess under 6 months, maybe only about 3-4 months. They are cute as hell and seem to learn quite fast so I’m sure they’ll make great pets for someone.
I put in an email to a rescue group volunteer hoping she can either help me or get someone to help me because I cannot have these dogs. I can’t. I have cats, I live in a small place, I don’t have the space or time for dogs. Would I love to have another dog?! YES!!! But I cannot do it at this time.
I thought I was going to get to sleep tonight but I think I’m not going to get much of shit. And it’s not the dogs’ fault. It’s the useless, waste of fucking oxygen, asshole mother fucking piece of shit, “I hope you get your karma and it hurts like a fucking bitch” selfish, evil assholes fault(s).
This is the precise reason I hate people. When assholes do things like this. How on EARTH can you do that? How the hell can you just dump a puppy, (or two, or cat), out in the middle of NOWHERE and fucking live with yourself? How fucking lazy are you that you cannot take these animals to the Humane Society? How fucking selfish are you that you would put their lives in jeopardy because you don’t want someone looking down on you for turning the animals in. They know your excuses are bullshit but gottDAMNIT they would respect you more if you brought them in instead of dumping them.
FUCK!
I hope to God someone can help me with these puppies and help me quick. I cannot have them.
But I couldn’t leave them out there, either.
(The dinner/party story will come later. Let me get this figured out, kids.)
Update Here are the photos of boy dog and girl dog. I went out to PetSmart today and got them nice, leather collars and leashes, (pink for girl and reddish/brown for boy), got them some treats, puppy food and toys. Contacted another rescue to see if they could help. The two rescue people I contacted are working through their networks to see if anyone can rescue them.
After the pet store, where they made many fans, I took them to an offleash park to sniff around, expend their energy and just have some fun. That worked like a charm because they are currently conked out on their sleeping bag, underneath some towels. (It rained, they got wet, they were cold.) I wish I could have them. I wish I had the space. I think they’re going to be awesome dogs, pets and companions. Girl dog is sweet, sweet, sweet. She’s very mellow and maybe a bit shy. Boy dog is all out there but he learns really fast. I’m feeling like the dog whisperer with him because he picks up the “rules” almost right away. I hope we can find them good homes and I hope the people who dumped these dogs rot in hell with festering sores, pulsating and burning for all eternity.
Monday, July 12, 2010
He Gets It
When I had a dog, she was always vying for the alpha role and if you were not consistent, you would pay for it. I did not take her to a trainer, I did not know what the hell I was doing, all I did know was that she needed to learn to listen to me and not the other way around.
I never let her sleep on my bed. She had a blanket next to the bed as well as one in the living room. This is where she was allowed to sit or lie down. Never on the bed or the couch; she was always lower than me.
I never let her walk out the door first. I led the way, not her. I never let her back in first, again I led the way, not her.
When we approached a crosswalk, she would sit and wait and would not move until I stamped the heel of my shoe on the pavement to let her know it was ok to move. (The only time she moved was when a dumb bitch came up behind her but I’ve already told that story here before and she was right to do the moving.)
And when it came to feeding, that dog was not allowed to dance around, act like a fool, jump on me or rush me. She was to sit and she was to wait. I would refill her water dish and set it down. I would pick up her food dish, put more food in it and set it down. Still she was not allowed to move. I would stand there while she sat and waited. Her eyes were glued to me. Her entire attention and focus was on me. That is exactly what you want your dog to do. In the beginning, I made her wait longer until she got it in her head that I ruled, not her. As she got better at it, her wait time went down. I would also test her. Her key word was, “Ok”. Anything else, that was not the signal to move and start eating.
You know what? It didn’t take long to train her. I was consistent, I never let her get away with anything, she knew I was the alpha and would remain the alpha and if she wanted her food or to run around outside, I was the one who would allow it and decide when it would happen. And she got it right fast. Even when I tested her at the food dish with other words, she never moved until she heard me say, “ok”.
Some people get all upset and think “OMG, that’s so cruel!” No, idiots, it’s not cruel. It’s how dogs act in the wild and it’s how these dogs know to act. They need a leader, they need a consistent leader.
I’m thrilled to see this video of a guy who rescues dogs and gets it. He totally gets it and proves that no dog is too old, too young, too dangerous, (breed stereotype), or too stupid to understand that he is the pack leader.
This is how you train dogs to be great pets and companions. You don’t treat them like humans, you don’t let them get away with whatever they want, you don’t spoil them like a child. They are dogs. And if more people on this earth knew a damn thing about dogs, like the guy in this video, maybe there wouldn’t be so many dogs in need of rescue.
It’s not the dog’s fault. It never is.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Really Now
Animals are hilarious.
My cat, Serenity, had been meowing at me for the past 15 minutes while I was busy doing something on the internet. It was her, “I need your attention right now, please” meow but I still have to guess what she wants.
I started the whole game off by telling her to come up on the bed if she wanted some attention. No. She refused. I checked to see if her water and food dish were full. Yes, I can see from my bed that they are. I went to grab her and put her on the bed thinking this was one of her bad days where she just didn’t have it in her to jump up there. She ran.
So I ignored her for a little bit.
She was relentless.
Sigh, I’m never going to get anything done with her incessant meowing so let’s figure this out once and for all. She meowed, I asked, “What?” She meowed, I asked, “What?! What do you want?!” She meowed, I sighed, got up, walked towards her, she ran.
Forget it. I’m not playing this, I’m busy.
She stopped, turned and looked at me as if to say, “Why aren’t you following me?”
I sat back down on the bed, she came back over and began meowing again. ::maniacal laughter:: She is driving me crazy. I’m going insane. I’m laughing hysterically for no good reason. Gah!
I got up again, she ran. I said, “That’s! It! What! What is so necessary to show me right this very second!? WHAT!?”
She ran all the way to the cardboard box sitting on the floor by the front door.
Periodically, when I get something shipped, I’ll keep the cardboard box for awhile and some of the packing materials, (in this case brown paper), for the cats to play in. They love it. I had just purchased a computer cooler and it was delivered last week so the box is still in my living room, with the paper packing. Serenity has been sitting in this box for days on end.
I came to discover that the reason she was meowing her head off was to inform me of something about that box.
She ran all the way to the cardboard box sitting on the floor by the front door. I followed. She stopped at the box, looked in the box and looked up at me. You see, there was another cat in the box and she was telling me to get that cat OUT of the box so that she could sit in it, thankyouverymuch.
The other cat leaped out of the box when I looked at Serenity and said, “Are you kidding me? You brought me all the way over here to kick Blondie out of the box so you could have it?! Entitlement much?”
She is now sitting in the box, contentedly, ensconced in the brown paper packing material.
I’m so glad she’s not spoiled.
(Don’t worry, Blondie got snacks, secretly, for willingly coming out of the box. God, who needs kids, I have cats.)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Relishing Every Moment
That cat you see in the header, Serenity? She’s my best friend ever. I love that cat. I’ve had her since she was six months old. She’s about 12 years old now.
At first, I didn’t want her. I had a lot of pets already. I was going out with someone at the time and he had found this poor, little white kitten sitting outside, in the dark, in a puddle, in the rain. Very pathetic. He took her in. But he wasn’t allowed to have pets. He gave her to some girl he was dating at the time. A few months later, after he was done seeing the girl, we met. We started going out. A few months later, the girl called him up and said she couldn’t keep the cat. She said that the cat was peeing all over the house. Come to discover, she left the cat in a room, all by itself, all day long.
When she returned the cat to him, poor Serenity was infested with fleas. INFESTED! I was furious. We got her taken care of. Again, he wasn’t allowed to have pets but he loved Serenity. I allowed her to come over with him and eventually her stays got longer and longer...play dates with my pets, if you will.
We broke up. It was not a nice break up. It could have been but the dude owed me money and he wanted to get stupid about that. But, even through all the nastiness, he did still show he did have a heart and really did love Serenity. He was not allowed to have cats where he lived and he knew if he kept her, she might not be able to stay with him. He trusted me enough to ask me, through the bitterness, if I would keep Serenity. By this time, I was attached even though I fought hard not to get attached.
I was relieved because I didn’t want to have to give her back. She’s been with me ever since.
She’s been through everything with me. Every. Thing. All the moves, the heartaches, new jobs, different people I’ve met along the way, different dwellings, in the car for days on end as we moved across the country.
And she never complained. Never.
The only time she will say anything is if I’M too upset about something she’ll start meowing at me basically telling me not to get so worked up about things. And I listen to her and I take a deep breath and just enjoy her to calm me down.
I do everything for this cat. She is in the forefront of my mind when I think about where I’m going to live next. Don’t accept pets? Not living there. I don’t care how grand the place is, you won’t let me keep her with me, you can rent to some other tenant who won’t be as quiet or clean as me. My cat does not make a mess or tear things up but if you want to actually believe that she’ll “scratch up the hard wood floors with her nails”, then you are too stupid for me to give you money.
She used to follow me everywhere I went. From room to room to room she would follow me and she does not like a closed door. Knowing her history, I cannot blame her. She likes to get in to cabinets and sit there so I always check to make sure that she’s not inside a cabinet before I close it. She likes to go outside so I always check that she’s IN the house before I leave for the day. I always give her a pet good-bye and a pet hello when I get back.
I will not leave her in the place by herself if there’s a hurricane. If I can’t take her with me, I just won’t go. If I go on a long vacation or have to stay in a hotel room, I will ask ahead of time if I can have her in there. Nine times out of ten, I’m told yes. Sometimes I pay a deposit, sometimes it’s a fee. But she never leaves a mess and she’s quiet. Nor does she complain about being in a hotel.
The cat toys I buy, I think of her and will she enjoy them. She used to play catch with an aluminum foil ball. I would throw it, she would run after it and bring it back to you. It would be even better if you had a pair of shoes next to you so she could drop the ball in the shoes. I would pick it up, throw it again and she would fetch it. We used to play this game for hours.
I’m not obsessed and stupid about it. I don’t dress her up or throw birthday parties for her. I just love her. Sometimes I look at this cat and realize I’ve never actually loved a human being before because this cat has taught me what love is. I thought I knew what it was but when I got the cat, I realized, I didn’t have a clue. Frankly, I don’t think a lot of people out there have a clue.
But I do now. And I love this cat. I do everything I can to make her comfortable and happy and healthy.
Sigh...she’s getting old now. And in just the past couple of months, I’m seeing the affects of aging on her. She has a hard time getting up on the bed anymore. She struggles and sometimes makes it, sometimes does not. She can’t really jump up to the shelf on the cat tree anymore. When she wants to jump off of that shelf and back on to the bed, I’ve seen her calculate, calculate, calculate and half the time she’ll go for it and succeed and half the time I think she’s saying, “I just don’t have it in me today” and abandons the idea.
I don’t like seeing this. It means she’s getting old. And getting old means closer to death. And I think I will be inconsolable when she dies. This little cat, my best friend, has been through so much with me in the past decade. If it wasn’t for her, I think I would have failed by now. That may sound stupid to some of you but I don’t rightly care because I KNOW the relationship my cat and I have. We talk to each other. She knows words and what they mean, in the most basic sense. She talks to me. We don’t understand every thing the other is saying but we sure do understand a lot.
The whole time I’ve had her I’ve known that one day she would be gone and I always try to enjoy every little moment with her. As she is showing signs of aging now, I’m trying even harder to enjoy every last meow, every last movement, every last bit of silliness, every single piece of fur on her, her adorable little face, our little expressions towards each other, (this consists of things I say to her all the time, playing with her, and the way she reacts), every little sound of her paw pads hitting the floor, every lick, nuzzle and drop of drool.
If it tears me up this much to see her aging, I don’t know what I’ll do the day I wake up or come home and she is no more.
People who don’t have pets or do not have a close bond with their pets never understand this. People with pets do. This little cat IS my family. She is my best friend. This will be like having a best friend and family member die. I already know, it will be devastating.
So I have to enjoy everything, every little thing right now because one day, I won’t get to do that anymore.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Putting The Horse Before The Cart
Kids. I’m on a mission. I wrote about what I wanted to do with my future and the encouragement received got me a bit motivated. Then, a long time reader wrote to me and donated quite a bit towards that future. That has got me really motivated. I want this to succeed not only for the animals but for this person who had enough faith in me and for myself.
So, I’ve been researching and looking around and studying and holy crap is there a lot to do before I can get this going. (I’m talking about the animal sanctuary.) Now, I knew that it would require a tremendous amount of work and I knew it was going to cost a lot of money, especially in legal fees and ensuring I get permits and zoning is right and the land and buildings....it’s a lot.
I’m just wondering if there are any legal beagles out there or anyone who has any sort of knowledge on my first step. See, what I was thinking is while some people are generous before it all even starts, I need more generosity that will go towards this whole operation. Most people will be leery to hand over a check unless they know, for sure, it’s going somewhere legit.
Therefore, the question is: Does anyone know if I should apply for my non profit status now and then be able to ask for donations so that I can get the land, get the buildings, get the inspectors, pay all the legal fees, etc. OR am I even able to do that if I don’t have anything right now?
Also, is anyone out there even willing to help me along in finding out answers to the multitude of questions and problems that will arise while getting this all set up?
In a sense, I’ve done the first step. I’m in Florida and that is where I want to be. I think it’s better for a sanctuary because I won’t have such high heating costs in the winter; a savings, really. Plus, it seems to me that this state does have quite a few rural areas where maybe I am able to buy up some land; lots of agricultural areas that aren’t as strict about how many/type of animals as are other locations near people. (And that’s key: I need to be far enough away from people that no one pisses and whines about it but close enough to people that they can get there and adopt or volunteer.)
The second step, in a way, I’ve already been doing. I’m not going to get too far in to it here on a public site but where I am right now actually is helping me to save money faster than I would otherwise have been able to do.
The third step is getting more money for this. I need donations and investors. I don’t know...are they investors if you don’t make money off of it? But I also know that people will be more likely to donate if they know it’s legit and if they know it’s a tax write off. Because, to be honest, without that money, I just will not be able to afford the land.
So what are your opinions or advice on how to go about this? I’d prefer something based in experience whether by you or someone close to you rather than speculation. Speculation and assumptions can cause a lot of problems later on. Anyone know anything about becoming a non profit and if you can apply for that first and get donations or if you have to be on land, with things set up and then become non profit?
IF I am unable to become non profit before I have established myself and have people’s trust...how the hell should I go about raising money? What is legal? Can I do contests? What do I do?
Kids, I really, really want this to work. And I know I’ll be starting off very small and I know it will take awhile to get going and I know it’s going to be hard but I want this to work. But sometimes, people cannot do everything on their own and any help you can all provide, I would really, greatly appreciate it.
Ideas, kids, give me your ideas! Thoughts, suggestions, advice, opinions, anecdotes, whatever. Give me information!!!! Please.
By the way, I plan on housing dogs, cats, rabbits, rats, other assorted rodents, birds including chickens and as time goes on and I learn more about different types of animals and their care, (or if I have volunteers who have that knowledge), I’ll also help other animals. I’m just starting off with the ones I know how to take care of.
Update I found the perfect piece of property! It’s 116 acres of beautiful and I mean BEAUTIFUL land. Only $400,000!!! C’mon guys! Start donating!
(I’m being facetious...it is gorgeous as all get out but damn, I guess only in my dreams. Still, want to look at it? Just to see how wonderful it is? Click Gorgeous And Out Of Reach...sob!.)
Ok, yah, that’s a little steep...but man...ok, how about this?
A Slice Of Heaven. Hey, it’s only $345,000! I’m saving you $55,000! C’mon!
Update The Second Ok, so as far as I know, 2 acres is just about the size of a football field, a little wider. Right? So, I’m thinking, I would need no less than 15-20 acres. Any of you farmers or people who live in rural areas and know better than I if that would be sufficient? Should I have more? I don’t intend on doing horses at any time because while I love them and know that many need rescue, honestly, I’m scared of them. I’ve been around them, I’ve ridden them and I’ve had good and bad experiences with them. I just don’t know enough not to be scared of them. For some of you that may sound silly but there it is. I’m scared of them because one kick and you’re done. And they know you’re scared of them. One thing I do know about horses, they aren’t stupid. So, I wouldn’t need land for them to run around in but need enough land to be able to potentially house many, many animals and have space between them so they are all comfortable. Is 15-20 acres enough or am I thinking too small? I need this kind of information as well so I know what kind of money I’m looking at and what to ask for when the time comes. I also need land with electricity and water and septic so I’m sure that will drive the price up, yes?
All the information you can provide, don’t be shy, don’t think I already know it, any information, little or big, bring it.
Also, in terms of acreage...let’s say the seller has 268 acres for sale. They then state, “available in 11 parcels”. What is a ‘parcel’?
Update Part Three Ok, let’s say someone is selling 31.5 acres, (not a “lot"), for an insanely reasonable price and at the end of the blurb, they say this: “Zoning is Agriculture which permits a density of one unit per five acres. “ What does that mean? Does “unit” mean home? If I were to buy up all 31 acres for myself, I would have a single home on site but would also want other buildings to house the animals. Does that mean I can only have one building per 5 acres or are they only considering “unit” to mean “residential dwelling”. Or does “unit” mean something else entirely?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Punxatawney Eats Those Assholes
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals. In fact, I think I’ve made it pretty damn clear here on this blog. You know I’m against animal abuse and neglect. I am also for animal welfare in that I want animals to be treated humanely and their deaths to be quick and as painless as possible if they are to be eaten. And again, I have no problems with eating animals because I eat animals.
Nonetheless, PETA, the so called “animal rights” group, makes me roll my eyeballs clear out of their sockets with their complete idiocy. Have you heard their latest?
When Idiots Breed, You Get PETA Members.
They want to replace Punxatawney Phil…
...the groundhog who is taken out on February 2nd, Groundhog’s Day, to let us know if there will or will not be six more weeks of winter, (a cute little tradition), with a robot.
Excuse me, I need to go collect my eyeballs that rolled out on to the floor and put some ice on my head where I smacked it.
........
How fucking ridiculous can this group be? They claim that little Phil is abused by the crowds and the noise. Are they shitting me? Abused?
”...Mr Deeley told the Associated Press that Phil is kept in a climate-controlled environment, is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture and is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania”.
For fuck’s sake, I guess we better shut down all the zoos and aquariums while we’re at it. All those crowds. All that noise. Those poor, abused animals.
Hey, let’s shut down airboat places as well. It is completely pointless to try to educate people about animals so that they’ll have more respect for them and treat them better, NO! It’s much better that we shut everything down that draws people in because the animals are being abused by all that noise!
Shut the fuck up.
I get “abused” by all the noise and naked, “I won’t wear fur” protester crowds that PETA creates...let’s replace them with robots!
Have these assholes ever been out in the wild? Do they have any fucking idea just how noisy animals are? And how many of them there are out there? Let’s replace all the wildlife with robots to cut down the crowds and noise from other animals! All that abuse! Animals abusing animals! The horror!!!!
PETA is one of the worst killers and abusers of animals out there. Perhaps they should concentrate a little harder on the shit they pull before they start telling everyone else how to run their lives and do things. Fucking morons.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saccharin Overdose
Kids, you may wish to make an appointment with the dentist soon because your teeth are going to start decaying with all the sweetness you’re about to see.
These are photos of a baby panther owned by our wildlife show guy. I’m posting several because you cannot have enough cute baby animal pics. (And because he refused to look at the dang camera.)
Everyone say, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!”
(No, I am not choking him on that last photo.)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Snakes On A Boat
We interrupt this program to bring you this STC special. [Update-photo finally loaded, scroll to see!]
If you have been paying attention, at all, you probably are aware that I work in the Everglades driving airboats. Now that we’ve established that everyone is on the same page, let me tell you a little story.
Some of you may have heard that we have a real bad snake problem down here...pythons, to be exact. And that would be true. We do have a big problem with pythons down here. I won’t go in to a rant about the asshole people who have caused this to be a problem, (along with iguana, dogs, cats and other sorts of animals dumped out here), because that’s not what this story is about and frankly, that rant would go on for days. Right now, I have a headache and I’d like to remain calm.
Why do I have a headache, you ask? Well, for one, it was a bit on the warm side today and when you add in physical exertion to that mix, some of us get headaches. Physical exertion? Yes.
See, there I was, on tour, giving said tour, minding my own business when suddenly a tourist pointed to the right hand side of the channel. I looked and looked and could not figure out at what he was looking. He asked, “Did you see the snake?!”, all excited. I was expecting to see some tiny ass banded water snake or something so I looked again, this time for a snake and holy shit what did I see but a huge ass Burmese python sitting there.
If you are in the Everglades and you happen upon a python, please call Fish and Game so that they can come out and get it. The reason for that is because these snakes EAT all of the native animals around here: birds, snakes, fish, alligators, etc. We don’t want them here.
I finished the tour and about two hours later was finally able to go out with a co-worker to see if the snake was still there and if we could catch it. We got in to the area and it didn’t take us long at all to find it. The thing is huge. I turned the boat around and we got as close to the chunk of land, (at the base of a pond apple tree...the root system), the snake was on. I held the boat in place while my co-worker searched for the head, found the head and then grabbed his snake clip thingies to hold the head so that we could drag the snake in to the boat.
Problem was, this snake was way too big for his tools so the grip was lost and the snake went in to the water. We thought we had lost it and were a little bummed. But, the snake eventually hit the side of the boat and naturally turned away from it causing it to swim right next to the boat.
My co-worker reached in to the water and grabbed the snake by the back end and pulled it part way in to the boat. My job was to take those snake clip thingies and clamp around his head when I saw the head.
Oh and I saw the head. I saw the head when the snake came flying up out of the water with its mouth open in our direction and hissing at us, ready to bite us. That was rather unsettling as this snake’s head is about the size of my hand.
I grabbed on with the clamp thingies but again, they were not designed for a snake this size so the snake easily slid out of them. At this point my co-worker told me to take the back end while he searched for the business end. I grabbed the back end of the snake and hauled some of it back in to the boat while my co-worker had his hand in the water looking for the head.
Kids...this was one strong ass snake. It started to wrap itself around my wrist and arm and was actually dragging me out of the boat in its fight to free itself from us. I told my co-worker, “I’m losing the snake...I’m losing the snake!” He’s yelling, “Hold on! Let me get the head!” I’m thinking, “DUDE! I’m not going in to the water with this fucking thing!”
Just when I thought I could not fight this thing any longer and I was going to lose my grip, he found the head. We hauled it in to the boat and started to play the game of, ‘let’s stuff it in to this plastic bag’. At first we tried to get the tail end in first but that wasn’t working out so well so my co-worker got the snake’s head in to the bag and held him down to the floor of the boat while I tried to stuff the rest of him in to the bag. The tail was easy. It was the rest of the girth that was a struggle. Not only was this snake heavy, he was strong!! I was trying to fold part of him to get him in the bag and he was not budging an inch.
After much fighting, struggling and yelling at the snake, (because yelling usually does the trick, “Oh! You want me in the bag? Well why didn’t you just say so!? You don’t have to yell at me!"), we got most of him in the bag. That was when my co-worker let go of the head.
Apparently I leaped over two rows of seats in a single bound when he said, “I don’t have the head anymore”. By this time though, it didn’t really matter because it was pretty much in the bag and he just tied it up. I stepped back to the driver’s seat and we came back to the dock where all our other co-workers jealously investigated our catch.
Our live catch.
Our 13 foot live Burmese python catch.
With our bare hands.
Not a single bite.
We made a phone call and tomorrow someone is coming out to destroy it. Now look...I don’t like killing animals when I’m not eating them. I have a real problem with that and I don’t feel good about this impending death either. HOWEVER, if we do not get rid of that snake, it will eat all sorts of wildlife out there, including alligators. This snake is big enough to consume a 5 foot alligator. And the area this snake was in, we have Purple Gallinules there, turtles, baby alligators, young alligators...all kinds of stuff in this particular area that this snake would easily have snacked on. In fact, two Purple Gallinules who enjoy our company were only about 15 feet away from this snake when we found it again to capture it. So, while I don’t like it, I understand it.
What I do like, though, is that I have a live capture of a 13 foot (estimated), Burmese python under my belt while most of the guys I work with have only caught dead ones or little ones. Some of them have issues with that and that brings me great joy.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Ignoring It Won't Make It Go Away
This post is specifically for those who don’t get it. Too many people do not understand the difference between animal rights and animal welfare. Too many people make a mockery of those who say they support animal welfare because they think of groups like PETA who do more harm to animals than they help. Too many people think animal abuse is funny or that joking about it is funny. I find it as funny as joking about child abuse. Why don’t more of these people joke about beating the shit out of a kid? Because it’s not funny. Neither is beating the shit out of an animal or some other form of torture.
Many people did not understand the uproar over Michael (spit) Vick. They thought people were overreacting and they were mad at all of the “bitchy little animal rights” people. Too many people just have no fucking idea what type of torture many animals endure every day. I guarantee you that as you read this, an animal is being tortured or abused in a horrific manner.
I thought very long and hard about including these photos on my main page. I know it’s going to be upsetting for some people. I know some will be angry that I didn’t put them, “below the fold”. I know some people will not understand why I am doing what I’m doing no matter how I explain it. I thought maybe I should put them hidden with a warning.
Then I thought, no. Absolutely not. People do need to see what animals are going through. Maybe if they see it, they will wake the fuck up and actually DO something about it, no matter how small, and change the mindset that too many have that animals and the abuse of them is a joke. These are living, breathing creatures and it’s sickening the way people in this world treat them. These are not objects. They are not merely tools. They are not something to be tossed aside when you are done or bored with them or find them useless anymore. These are living, breathing creatures.
A lot of people try to say that animals don’t have any emotions or feelings. Of course they do not have the complex emotions or feelings that human beings do but anyone who thinks animals have no emotions and no feelings have never had a pet, have never studied animals, have never had any empathy. I’ve known some of these types of people in my life. On the surface, they appear to be wonderful people. As time goes on, you find out that they are some of the most shallow, insensitive, uncaring, rudest, unempathetic people you will ever know. I have no use for people like this and I let them know it.
Now, then....here are some images that you should find upsetting. If you do not find these photos upsetting, you may need to seek some sort of psychiatric help because there is something very wrong with you. That’s not just my opinion, it’s been proven and I am serious in my urging for you to seek professional help. You need it in a bad way.
I want you to think about your pet as you view these images. Or, if you don’t have a pet, any animal that you have come across in your lifetime that meant anything good to you whether it was a pet you had in the past, a neighbor’s pet, friend’s pet or just some random animal.
China is notorious for caging up dogs like this before they take them to slaughter for food. These dogs could be in these cages, cramped like this, for hours, days, weeks. Some dogs are caged up to be used as live shark bait. The “fishermen” take a gigantic hook, insert it through the snout of the dog, slice its throat so that they bleed and then toss them over the side as bait for shark hunting. And they see absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Let me ask you all a question: Why is it not okay to do this with humans? I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way, I mean, seriously, why is it not okay to do this with humans? Does it have something to do with intelligence, the food chain and things like that? Then what on earth makes people think it’s okay to do this to dogs? Dogs are highly intelligent, have feelings, show loyalty, are pack animals, are higher up the food chain than fish.....so why ok with dogs? Would there be an uproar if some were using humans as shark bait? Of course there would. But the outcry when doing this to dogs is less.....granted, they aren’t humans but they are higher up than fish. So why isn’t there more outrage over this? Maybe its’ because people don’t know it’s going on and what it looks like.
The next time you pet your dog or any dog, remember this:
Does that bother you? Can you imagine it happening to your dog? Think it can’t? Better hope that your dog never gets lost. Not all lost dogs are returned and not all of them die out there from exposure, an accident, starvation or from attack by another animal. Some people in this world seek out lost and stray dogs for this very purpose. I hope that you are appalled enough to do something about it, no matter how small it is, do something because this is not right.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
An Open Letter To Stoopid Hooman
Dear Idiot:
Super soaker water cannon? Bring it on, peasant. We cats don’t understand where you moron hoomans get this notion that we don’t like water. May we present Exhibit A:
So, we will continue to use your “laptop” as our butt warmer. Maybe if you turned down the fricken a/c from arctic temperatures to something pleasant and balmy, we wouldn’t have to resort to such measures. We will continue to kill anything and everything that looks like a snake because the second we don’t, you yell at us about not “earning our keep” and jeeezus, lady, we are tired of you going on and ON about that! We will continue to pester you for your food because why the hell should you get the good stuff and leave us with dry cereal? Of course you don’t stick your head in our bowls because you know our food sux! Why do you think we stick our faces in to yours? Dumbass! And the planting of the fur is because you tend to forget us as you horf down all that food while sitting in front of our butt warmer staring at the light. Frankly, we think you might be a bit simple in the mind because of it. Hours, you stare! HOURS! Like a zombie. Fricken weirdo!
Now, because you had such a snotty little attitude towards us in your letter, we have compiled a list of our own demands. Pay attention:
1) You will let us hog the entire bed, stretched out to our fullest capacity and you will NOT complain. In fact, you no longer get to use the bed. You will now sleep on the floor. Better yet, why don’t you just sleep outside.
2) You will have the Cat Sitter video on at all hours of the day and not shut it off to watch more stoopid hooman heads on the talking box.
3) If we want to play in the trash, we will play in the trash and any treats we find there are ours to keep. No longer will you interfere with our treasure hunt.
4) We left our fur on the couch for a reason. You will no longer remove it.
5) Your attitude towards our litter boxes will change immediately. Not only will you clean it each and every time we use it, you will no longer ask, in a snippy little tone, “What the hell crawled up your ass and died? Damnit you stink!” You’re the twit who keeps feeding us cereal.
6) If we want to drink the water out of your water bottle, we will drink the water out of your water bottle. We KNOW we have water dishes filled with water. We just don’t want to use them.
7) Milk and cream on demand. Nothing further needs to be said about it.
8) You don’t have the best breath in the morning either so shut up about ours, already.
9) If you have the audacity to pet a mangy mutt at some point during the day, you are no longer allowed in the house until you remove all of the dog germs. In fact, you’re just no longer allowed in the house at all...except to feed us YOUR food and clean our litter boxes.
10) You will no longer push us in to those horrid little carriers when we are traveling. You sit in the carrier, we will drive.
If you cannot adhere to these demands, you will suffer the consequences. (Oh, snap! Not so nifty when those words are coming back at you now are they?) You think that little hork we did on the floor in the middle of the night was bad? Test us. We can do it on your FACE while you sleep if you keep this up. Now go clean the litter and get the hell out of our house!
Best Regards,
Presidents, VPs and CEOs of This Joint
Monday, September 21, 2009
Open Letter To The Felions
Dear Cats:
My laptop is not a butt warmer. Stop sitting on it. Especially when I’m in the middle of using it.
All those cords attached to my laptop? Those are not snakes that “need killin’”, those allow me to connect to the internet and keep my power going. When you bite and attack them, you cause problems for me.
And finally, for the last time, get your got damned face and paws out of my food! No, your wide eyed begging followed by pathetic mewlings is not cute and you will not woo me in to sharing. This is MY food. You don’t see me planting my face in your food bowl do you? Nok it off! And take your fur with you when you leave. That trick of planting fur in my meal doesn’t work, I’m still eating it.
If you do not adhere to my repeated wishes, you will suffer the consequences. That little spray of water you get now from the harmless squirt bottle? Kiss it good bye and say hello to the new super soaker water cannon. This is your final warning.
Thank you,
Management
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Why Yes I Do Go There
You know how it is, you hear people talk a lot of shit, boasting and what not, “Oh, if I ever encountered that person, I’d say....” or some other crap that you know damn good and well they would never say nor do.
Or you see written on blog sites open letters to some company and the writer gets a good laugh from their audience but you know that they wouldn’t dare do that for real. They’re just talking smack.
I don’t like people who say they would do or say one thing but when it comes time to act, say nothing, do nothing or just wimp out.
Recently, I came across a website that sells merchandise for pets. The stuff is cool. The photos are adorable. But the products are insanely overpriced. Example, they have a cat scratcher for sale. It’s the same concept as those $5 cat scratchers that come in a box filled with corrugated cardboard. When kitty has destroyed the cardboard, you buy more cardboard and put it in the box. It’s a big hit with cats everywhere.
This particular company has made the box out of faux leather and has upped the price to about $299. And when kitty has destroyed the cardboard and it’s time to refill? Why, you can get that cardboard from this company for $60. That’s not a typo.
I continued to look around and had to stop because of typos and mistakes. So, I decided to write a letter. This is the actual letter that I wrote to them:
For a company that wants to charge such ridiculous prices for their products, (really, $60 for cardboard? REALLY?), one would think they would proof read their own site.
Example:
Copenhagen Cat Carrier, first sentence:
“ Take you kitty out in style. “
Take you? How about, “take youR kitty out in style”?
Same product, third sentence:
“...so much so that that you can even...”
That, that darn error. Take out one, “that”, please.
I’m sure your products appeal to some rich snot somewhere, someone with far more dollars than sense, but please note that I cannot take a company seriously when they can’t even proof read their own site and correct such simple mistakes. I haven’t read further in to the site, you might want to get someone on that, asap.
Sincerely,
Not Impressed
Now I’m sure that someone will get all upset and say that I was too harsh and blah, blah, blah but I have no desire to be kind to a company that charges hundreds of dollars for dog bowls. I find the prices insulting to our intelligence. I’ll let you know if they respond.
So, yes kids, I do go there, just like I say I do.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Did He Get To Vote?
Geez, even dogs are smarter than liberals:
So, did he? Get to vote? If dead people can vote, why not dogs?
(Yah, yah, I said I was going to write stories but this was too funny to pass up.)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
These Are The Types Who Make Me Hate
It is about time that this country start giving harsh sentences for those who abuse animals. There is no excuse for animal cruelty. None. I know some of my neighbors commit acts of animal cruelty because of the stray cat problem where we live but I have no proof. Woah be to the one I do get proof on because I WILL fucking report them. Fine, set your traps but then take those cats to the Animal Control to be put down humanely. Shooting them, torturing them, feeding them to wildlife, beating them, whatever, is cruelty. Plain and simple.
I will never, for the life of me, understand how people can work around animals if they don’t care about animals. There is nature and then there is fucking cruelty. And I happen to be working around a lot of very cruel people. And I wish I had the legal right to beat the ever loving shit out of them for it.
Lately, we have had a cat killer on the loose and I hope to GOD that they find this asshole and hang him by that maggot between his legs.
You Better Hope Those Cat Owners Don’t Get To You First, Fudgepacker
I AM going to blockquote this because I know a lot of people never bother to actually click the link. And what you are about to read is sickening. So, why don’t you go gather up your little pet and scritch their ears while you read this:
Some homeowners in the Whispering Pines section of Cutler Bay say they are on edge. They say as many as 18 cats have been horribly mutilated and left in front yards and on doorsteps in the past few weeks....
..."It was horrible. My cat was lying there with his head crashed open,” said Barbara Mesa of her 13-year-old white cat named Caspar. “His face was crushed in, perhaps from a gun or smashed on the street. And his back thigh was sliced open…
...Some may have been skinned alive. One cat’s skin was actually found in one neighbor’s yard. Some cats have been cut with some sort of knife from head to toe…
...Paul Wiesinger said his wife found their 14-year-old cat Tammy some three houses away from their home on Wednesday afternoon. Tammy had been butchered.
“He kills them. He mutilates them,” said Wiesinger. “He leaves them out in the open so everyone can see them. There’s somebody out there that has to be stopped. Yes, it would mean a lot to me to find him."
On our local Craig’s List in the Rant and Rave’s section, some douche nozzle, annually, likes to post all his “latest kills” and much of what he posts sounds much like what you have read here. Who knows if that fuckwit is real or not but if he is, he best watch himself because this sort of thing IS being investigated...even on CL.
I don’t find any humor in animal cruelty. I don’t care if you “like cats” or not, a cat is a living, breathing creature. It has every right to live. You do not have the right to torture and mutilate animals. It IS illegal. Dumping and abandoning your animals IS illegal. Neglecting your animals IS illegal.
I’m fucking sick of hearing people say, “they aren’t people!” That does not mean that they can’t suffer. That does not mean that they are living creatures and that it is sick and fucking twisted to torture them, mutilate them, starve them, beat them, shoot them, kill them.
Before anyone goes off half fucking cocked, let me state that I eat meat. Yes. This isn’t about meat eaters vs veg heads. I’m not talking about those who go hunting. Personally I fucking hate hunting because I believe there is PLENTY of damn meat in the grocery store but I have agreed to fucking deal with it as long as the animal hunted is USED FOR FOOD and not just hunted for shits and giggles. If you shoot an animal and the only thing you do with that animal is mount its head on your den wall, you’re a prick. If you ATE the animal and then put the head on the den wall...well, I’ll shut the fuck up and deal with it.
But what I’m talking about is those who mistreat animals for no reason other than to mistreat them. I’m talking about people who toss their pets out the window of their car or truck as they hurtle down the freeway. I’m talking about assholes like the one in the story above. I’m talking about people like my neighbors who think the best way to handle the “stray cat” problem is to trap them and then shoot them or feed them to alligators or whatever other sick fucking thing these dicks are doing. I’m talking about people who beat animals. I’m talking about people who just drop their animal off somewhere and drive away.
Those types of people need to be locked up and ass raped every day for the rest of their lives. Those people do not deserve to ever have a happy moment ever again while they are alive.
See, for all of those types who say, “it’s not a person!!!”, you must realize, numbnuts, that people who do this sort of thing to animals have a HIGH likely hood of moving on to doing that sort of thing to humans. And from what I know about my neighbors and how shitty they treat people, it’s true. So, “it’s not a person!!ELEVENTY!!111!!!”, if you do not learn that empathy for an animal continues on in having empathy for a human, you may find a loved one fall at the hands of some fuckweed who, in their earlier years, thought it was GREAT FUN to skin a cat alive and leave the evidence on a random driveway for all to see. I can’t get you to care about an animal but I would certainly hope you give a fuck about the people around you.
I hope, with everything that I have, that they catch this person and he is LOCKED THE FUCK UP for years. Again, yes they are “just animals”, but they are living, breathing creatures and doing this to living, breathing creatures is a fucking crime. Whether you like it or not. Whether you think a cat is important enough to care about or not. Set aside, for one moment, if you are able, the fact that in this story, the victims are cats. Think about the fact that this person has NO conscience when it comes to living, breathing creatures.
There is something very mentally wrong with people who think this way. And they need to be kept, locked away from society.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Ungrateful Hoodlums
I’ve mentioned, a time or two, to my cats, when they are trying to fricken take the food I’m eating out of my mouth as I’m eating it that they would probably not care one whit if I died. I think, when my cat licks me, she’s just tasting me and waiting, in anticipation, for my demise. And frankly, I think she’s the ring leader instructing the other cats how to be under foot all the time, in an effort to trip me and cause me to break my neck.
I have cats that chew my head when I’m in bed. Like they are trying to get to my brains, a high source of protein, I suppose. I’ve seen them staring at me, with that look in their eye that is a bit unsettling. So, I’m not in the least bit surprised by these results:
I think it’s time that I draft up a Terms and Conditions for them to sign if they wish to remain living here. I’m going to begin working on it tomorrow. I will be putting it up when it’s finalized....as evidence should I suddenly, without provocation, disappear. (Question the cats, first.)
[link found on Rachel’s site.]
