Assholes
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Why You Are An Asshole
The Driving Series:
If you do not use your turn signal and expect everyone around you to read your mind, you are an asshole.
If you blare your horn for any reason whatsoever except to warn of a potential car accident, you are an asshole. (Especially if you lay on your horn the second the light turns green.)
If you sit in the passing lane and are not passing anyone, you are an asshole.
If you tail gate, especially when the person in front of you is going over the speed limit, you are an asshole.
If you blow through the intersection or do not pull over to the side of the road when an emergency vehicle with lights and siren is approaching, you are an asshole.
If you talk on your cellphone while driving and you are not a doctor talking someone through a life saving procedure at that exact moment, you are an asshole.
If you text while driving, you are an asshole.
If you read a book while driving, you are an asshole.
If you apply your make up while you are driving, you are an asshole.
If you realize you are passing your exit so you slam on your brakes and wildly swerve over several lanes of traffic to make that exit, you are an asshole.
If you slow down to gawk at every traffic stop, abandoned car or random hubcap on the side of the road, you are an asshole.
If you crank your music so loud that you can hear nothing outside of your car, you are an asshole.
If you make a left turn from the far right lane, cutting off all traffic in the process, you are an asshole. Bonus points if you flip everyone off while you pull this stunt.
If you constantly slam on your brakes every time you see the brake lights in front of you light up, instead of taking your foot off the gas and allowing the vehicle to gradually slow down, you are an asshole. (This also applies to those who have one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake pedal at the same time while driving.)
If you crawl down the road with your four ways flashing during a mild rain shower, you are an asshole.
If you pull over to the side of the road but your vehicle is still partially sticking out in the lane, you are an asshole.
If you fail to dim your brights at night time when another car is approaching or you are approaching a residential area or city, you are an asshole.
If you drive through the fog with your high beams on, you are an asshole.
If you have no concept of speed/depth perception and pull out of a driveway on to a road of vehicles traveling 50+ mph, cutting everyone off, you are an asshole.
If you run a red light because the first six cars in front of you did the same, you are an asshole.
If you try to sneak past the line up of cars trying to get on to the freeway by using the turn lane and then jumping in front of everyone at the last second, you are an asshole. (This also applies for you assholes who zoom past all the cars lined up to exit the freeway and forcing your way in to the front of the line at the guardrail.)
If you are reading a map on your steering wheel and traveling 30 mph or more under the speed limit while swerving all over the road as well as turning on to the next street..no wait, no, no you’re not turning, wait, yes you are, wait no...yes.....you are an asshole.
If you flip a u-turn at an intersection during rush hour where a posted sign specifically states that u-turns are not allowed at that intersection, you are an asshole.
If you let every last person on this earth in front of you because you feel so considerate today, (but have forgotten there are people behind you!), you are an asshole.
If you have excessive exhaust spewing from your car on to everyone behind you and you do not pull over, you are an asshole.
If you let your cat or dog ride on your lap while you are driving down the road, you are an asshole.
If you drag race someone down the street or freeway, cutting in and out of traffic in an attempt to prove your penis size to everyone, you are an asshole.
If you throw things out your window, ie: trash, animal, baby, while hurtling down the road at 65 mph, you are a total piece of shit asshole.
If you steer with your wrist, you are an asshole.
If you zip through the parking lot, cutting across actual parking spaces to get to your destination simply because those parking spaces are empty rather than following the driving lanes in the parking lot, you are an asshole.
If you do not give as much space to a motorcycle as you would a car, you are an asshole.
If you fail to stop for a police officer or sheriff who is trying to pull you over and put everyone’s life in jeopardy as you run, you are an asshole.
If you hit someone and run, you are an asshole.
If you drive while drunk or high, you are the biggest fucking asshole on the road and I hope you get in to a one car accident injuring only yourself and totaling your vehicle.
If you do any of these things, you are an inconsiderate asshole. A car is not a toy. You are not in your own world. You must share the road with other people and have consideration for those people. You are not more important than anyone else. Stop acting like an asshole before you kill someone.
[Disclaimer: As people continue to drive like assholes, the, “Why You Are An Asshole: The Driving Series” may be continued at a later date.]
