PAW
Thursday, January 21, 2010
YAWN!
Looks like everybody had important things to do today. I drove morons around today. Not all of them were morons but most of them were. And cheap ass bastards as well. Cheap ass bastard morons. That’s one hell of a combo and takes great patience to deal with these types all. day. long.
Thank God it’s over. Tomorrow is another day. Hyuck, hyuck.
Right now I’m eating hard boiled eggs and shelled peanuts for dinner. Very exciting meal choice. It’s on the expensive side of the menu in all the high end restaurants and I am having it right now. Seethe with envy, kids.
When I’m done with that, I’m going to spend the next 10 minutes getting the knots out of my hair.
Hey, I heard a joke: How do Germans tie their shoes?
In little knotsies.
My German co-worker thinks that’s hilarious.
I wish I was rich.
Update Every night I say the same thing: “I’m going to bed early tonight.” And every night I do no such thing. However, tonight, I’m going to bed early and that’s final. Stupid people are too exhausting. I have to get out of the hospitality/tourism industry because I seriously cannot take any more stupidity. And this industry? Man, you meet the DUMBEST fucking people on earth. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...everyone should have to work at least, at the least, two years in a hospitality or tourism job. Then maybe people would stop being such fucking idiots.
Update Sometimes I just want to smack the teeth right out of people and their inSIPID questions. In the mornings, it’s still pretty cold...not horrifyingly cold but cold enough to warrant the work jacket we own. Especially because, as the captain of an airboat, I’m sitting high up in a seat and do not have a windshield or other passengers’ bulk to block cold wind from beating on me all day. Regardless of that situation, if I am feeling a bit chilly, I put on a jacket. If I am not feeling a bit chilly, I take that jacket off. I think we all learned this long, long ago. But apparently, some people in this world think I’m too fucking stupid to know how to care for myself.
So, today, I’m wearing my work coat because, again, I drove all day today and, again, it started off a little chilly this morning, especially, again, being the driver of said airboat way up high in the seat with no protection from said chilly wind. And at least for me, once I get chilled, I can be chilled the rest of the day.
At one point, as I’m tying up the boat at the end of a tour, one of the tourists asks me, “Aren’t you hot?”, referencing the fact that I’m wearing a coat.
This was a particularly shitty tour and the tourists were particularly shitty and boring and zombie like and really I just wanted the damn tour over with so I debated internally how to respond.
Evil won over.
I replied: “You know? I am but I can’t figure out how to fix that.”
She said, “Take off your coat.”
Me: “Take off my coat? Are you sure? I’ve heard that was just an old wives tale and that the actual process of removing the coat does not actually cool one down. Have you ever done it yourself?”
At this point I think she got the drift that I was fucking with her.
She didn’t tip me.
Bitch wasn’t going to anyway so it was worth it. Talk to me like I’m stupid, you’ll get the same in reply. Fucking idiots.
Alrighty then, with that, it’s time for me to hit the hay. Usual schmusual....clean litter boxes, wash hands, grab water bottle, peanut M&Ms, Kindle with “Under The Dome” by Stephen King and read and pop candy until I pass out.
My GOD my life is exciting!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I'm Baaaaack!
Well, well, well, look who did not heed my warning. YOU! Therefore, the boring attention whoring continues.
(I would like to say ‘thank you’ to Jan because she GETS IT! And Blood Spite...three years is unacceptable BUT I do give you props for saying something today. The rest of you? I eyeball you warily.)
Now. Then.
Back to the cell phone. I looked at my co-worker’s phone today and found out that the web access is total shit and would not suit my purposes. Those purposes being coming to my site, writing boring ass shit, detailing every last minute of my day, LIVE and sharing random thoughts. So..you have been spared for now but you will RUE the day when I do find a phone that allows me FULL access to the web in a ‘pay as you go’ plan and the phone does not cost the same as a car, she exaggerates.
It’s ok...the phone was ugly anyway.
So...today I drove and pretended I liked people for each trip. I now have a headache but it’s slight so I think I’ll live. For lunch, I had french fries. I was going to have a grilled chicken salad (sans salad dressing because there isn’t any at work..cheap bastards), but someone had fries and I made another co-worker go get me some as well. By the time I was done with the delicious, humongous fries, I no longer cared to dine on my grilled chicken salad. So I fed that to the birds.
Now, I’m about to go have some dinner...oh wait..I have to heat it up first. Shit. Eventually, I’m going to have some dinner, is the point.
When I got home, I cleaned my bathroom and the cat water dish out and that has been my day, thus far.
Oh, real quick before I go, (and I certainly hope you’ve learned something the past two days...this will not be the end of the post..pshaw! As IF you would be so lucky...updates WILL follow), I would like to thank the state of Massachusetts for pulling their collective heads out of their collective asses at a time when it was really important. Course, anything can happen anyway but it’s a step in the right direction and it most certainly does send a message. I see back pedaling in the near future.
Update The cats just knocked something over. They are always doing this. I have to go see what the hell they’ve wrecked this time. Cats are a lot of work. Gottdamnit! As I was writing that, they fucked something else up. Buncha little shits!
Update Turns out one of the cats was trying to get in to the cupboard where I hide the stash of cat nip. He was trying to be all sneaky about it but he knocked over a bottle of salad dressing, (yes, it’s unopened..der!), and that was the crash I heard. The little punk was looking for a fix. He has a serious drug problem. It’s embarrassing the entire family. I think I should contact A&E to do an intervention.
Update Reader, Mat, wants more anti-stupid posts. My God the stories I have....where do I even begin? How do I choose? Let me think which one I’ll share and I’ll get back to you. I have years of material about stupid people. YEARS!!!!!
Update The strangest thing has happened to me. Here I was, thinking of all of the stupid people stories and I got stage fright. Yes. I started doubting my abilities to write something to entertain. This does not bode well with me. The only thing I can think of is that when I do write about stupid people or one of my famous rants, it’s because I am writing it before I even know what I’m doing. Really. I do not sit down and think, “Let me write this..outline it, build the characters...” I just write it. In fact, often times when I write on this site, it’s something that just flows out before I even know what I’m really doing. Sure, I know I’m writing something and sure, I know I’m on my website but sometimes I’ll sit down to write something totally different and then out pops a rant or post about the stupid fucking idiot I had to deal with recently.
And the real kicker is, when I’m done, the venting is over, I will re-read what I wrote because I hate typos and grammatical errors, (although I still make plenty), and I’m almost fascinated by what I’m reading because it’s like I don’t remember writing it. Does anyone have a damn clue as to what I’m talking about? I don’t mean that I’m possessed or anything, I mean sometimes it’s easier for me to write something really good when I DON’T think about it and just let it happen.
Hm. I could have just said that last part and saved us all a couple of minutes.
Anyway, I was thinking about where I’ve recently met stupid people and these are the categories:
Work, Store, Post Office, Road, Parking Lot, Gas station....
Speaking of gas stations...I just went recently to fill up my tank on one of those cold, blustery days we had here. Because I work for tips, I try to spend the cash money on food and gas and things like that and reserve the checks for paying bills from my account. Whatever, anyway, so I go inside to give the counter person some money so they’ll activate the pump for me and I saw something that I see a LOT where ever I go....I’d like to know if you do, as well.
So, I grab my wallet, walk in to the store through one door while another patron is walking in to the store through another door opposite me. I see him look at me, look at the counter, calculate the distance we both are from the counter and RUN to the counter to be in line in front of me.
Is he serious?
Are all of the people who do this, SERIOUS?
Do I wear a look that states, “I’m a slow ass shopper and will hold you up for hours”? I’m the last person you need to worry about holding up the line because the less interaction I have with the public, the happier I am.
Does this happen to other people? And I don’t mean once or twice or even once in awhile, I mean ALL the time!
Ok, anyway, back to stupid people...wait...we just talked about one..but back to my list. I figured I just posted about some of the stupid people at work, co-workers and customers alike so that wouldn’t do. I already told you about cell phone bitch, the Post Office...I’m still not ready to talk about it, roads, parking lots...I write about those all the time as does everyone else...I need something original.
Like the bitch and the towing sign that I wrote about some years back. Or the bitch and my dog, that I wrote some years back. Or the bitch and the parking spot in front of the apartment building I wrote about a few years back.
I guess that is my destiny. I’m supposed to go through all of this with the stupid people, the bitches just so that I can come back here and write something out without being fully conscious of what I’m writing just to entertain you all. I can live with that...especially if people actually started commenting on those posts. Why should I suffer alone?!
Wow, I think I just bored even myself with this update so I’m going to find something else to do now. I think I’ve realized, you can’t force these posts...you just have to let them come to you naturally.
Update Kids, you got off light today. I mean, really, this was by far one of the most boring posts I’ve ever written but it was short and much like a quickly ripped of band-aid, the pain only lasted a short while. That’s because I had to drive all day today which meant I worked hard. I have to drive all day tomorrow, as well so you may get lucky then, too...we’ll see. HOWEVER! This Friday and weekend? The gloves come off!
And by the time I get two more days off, I will re-evaluate what has gone on around here and decide whether I shall keep with the boring or try something new. It all depends on you. THINK about THAT while I go get ready for bed. And then go to bed. And read...take a guess....have you been paying attention? Yes, that’s right, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, the best damn story teller there ever was besides Mark Twain...and I will, again, eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out.
Tomorrow is yet another day, kids. Don’t you love it when people say that? “Tomorrow is another day.”
THE HELL YOU SAY!
And grass is green. The sky is blue. Chickens have wings. This is fascinating stuff, thank God you shared with me! Tomorrow is another day....all this time I thought tomorrow was the same day.
As Bill Cosby says, (paraphrased), “A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need it.”
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Another Day Of Silence, Another Boring Post
It’s a new day and that means it’s time for a new post filled with mind numbingly boring, trivial crap that you all, apparently, have been asking for with your NON action.
“Oh but Serenity, there’s comments on your other post! Please stop the cruelty!”
No. I will not stop. Do you know why? Because most of those comments were by ME and the rest of the comments do not equal the amount of readers I get by any respectable percentage. So, I may only assume that you must have enjoyed my ATTENTION WHORE post filled with boring insights in to my life and, therefore, shall continue. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!
Thus far today I have done one more load of laundry. The hamper is now empty. Right now, I’m about to get up and get something to eat. But before I do this, I’d like to pose a question to all of you that was asked of me in the comments to my last post because it is a fine, fine question.
Really, when ARE mattresses NOT on sale?
Chew on that one, kids.
And if you missed out on the post and comments below because you are the type who only reads the top post because you are LAME as hell!!!!!!!, then I implore you to take some time to get to know the bored me, the ATTENTION WHORE me and some of my real friends who actually engaged in conversation. You know, because they are not rude and respond to someone when someone is speaking to them instead of acting all indifferent and uncaring and making the speaker feel as if they are talking to a brick wall or themselves or both.
Now, I’m off to get my lunch. Oh but I’ll be back. You thought yesterday was bad? HA! HA HA HA HA HA! Amateurs.
Update Yes, already! I’ve decided that I’m going to create a new category for these posts. It seems wrong to put them under “Personal” because while your DEAFENING silence feels personal, it’s not what I want to think about when I think about personal things. So, I think I’ll create the ATTENTION WHORE category. Or something to that effect. I have to eat first so I can think clearly. Please feel free to pretend I’m not here while I do this. And don’t give me any crap about how you are at work which means you are working because you people are full of shit. I’ll bet you’re on your Facebook account right now writing something really stupid or telling the world that you just cleaned your fish tank in FishWorld, as if anyone gives a shit. You COULD be spending your time productively on this site but apparently you find your stank Cafe much more entertaining. I’ll be back.
Update Thought I’d share a little insight. I buy parchment paper. Do you know why I buy parchment paper? So that when I’m making my lunch, I can wrap my sandwich and my pickles up in the paper to give the affect that I got my lunch at a Deli so it will taste better. Really. I have no other use for parchment paper. Alright, I have my lunch now and am back at the computer but I’m not speaking to you while I eat. Two can play this game.
Update In other news...estimated 200,000 dead in Haiti, 1.5 million homeless. Geeez...man. You know what else is sickening about disasters like this? The cold hearted assholes who don’t care about those who were affected, the people who scam off of those trying to donate help and the people who think we should not be helping out. Yes, we do have our share of homeless and starving, anyone who debates that is an idiot. The point is, before you open your gaping maw to say such nasty things, throw some money to both.
Update I’m done with my lunch, btw. I had a great business luncheon with the cats. We exchanged ideas, opened the floor for complaints and/or suggestions for improvements. They thanked me for their new piece of furniture. I thanked them for actually using it instead of me wasting all that money. It was very productive.
Update I had forgotten all about Johnson and Johnson’s “No More Tears” spray. I had to use it as a little kid because my hair was so fine and it worked well. I rediscovered it when I went to the store to pick up supplies. All this time, here I’ve been, yanking and pulling at the knots in my hair after driving air boats all day. Totally unnecessary. I spray some of the “No More Tears” detangler on my head and the brush goes right through. Plus it smells good. Wow, I’ve been plugging a lot of products lately and not getting a dime for it. I’m a giver like that. Would be nice if some of you would GIVE some comments up. But hey, that’s alright, keep giving me the cold shoulder. I got plenty of useless crap to talk about. I’ve been storing it up for years.
Update I just remembered I’m supposed to make a new category for these punishment posts. I’m thinking of calling them PAW...Punishing Attention Whore...yes, I like the sound of that. As in, I, the ATTENTION WHORE, am punishing you all. It’s like a super hero name...or villain...I’ll go with either because that’s how I roll. Now, I’m off to comment in my own comments section of my own blog because SOME PEOPLE are kind and considerate and have left me comments that demand my attention. See there? ATTENTION. Someone spoke to me and I’m going to give them the ATTENTION THEY DESERVE! Unlike some OTHER people I know.
update I’ve been using a laptop for almost a year now and I’m STILL not used to this tiny ass keyboard. Currently I’m watching someone drown on t.v. These two statements do not go together, no. You are absolutely right. But you know what? I care not. Not only will I write boring, I’m also going to dismiss transitions altogether! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Update A reader, (a reader who CARES, that is), has inspired me to branch off, periodically, in a new direction for these posts. Oh, no, I’m not going to go completely off the path...it will still be as dull as your mama’s face but it will add a slight twist to the whole thing. Now, you may be thinking, “A-ha! A twist! That sounds interesting! That means you have failed, Serenity because interesting is the opposite of boring! HA HA, we win!” Allow me to help you reach a new level of enlightenment. The twist is even more mundane than the main thoughts. You’ll soon see.
Update I wonder if I should put that candle over there or closer to that. Hmmm. I’m not sure those colors go well. Let me think on it for a moment.
Update Has anyone seen my car keys?
Update Forget the car keys. The cats probably have them. I’m going to go take a shower. Got some new products to try out. I’d tell you about them but I’m not so sure you all deserve that seeing as you’re NOT LISTENING ANYWAY.
Update Here’s something I’ve wanted to say for some time but always forget because it’s just never come up as a natural topic in my blog posts: Ladies...if you insist on wearing sandals or open toed shoes, for the love of GOD, pay attention to more than your damn nails. All I ever hear are ladies saying what a sin it is to walk around in sandals without painted nails...but they completely forget the rest of their feet. So, yah, you have nicely done nails but your feet are all fucked up, gnarled, dry, cracked and just fucking gross. I’d rather see smooth, soft well cared for feet with no nail polish than that shit some of you ladies are sportin’. Some of you have some ugly ass feet and should NEVER wear sandals EVER! Think of the children! I keep my feet covered, in shoes, THAT FIT and do not fuck up my feet so that some guy will think I’m cute and/or sexy, and my feet are soft and nice looking. If you insist on wearing shit that fucks up your feet, take those fucking things OFF the second you get home and start taking care of your poor feet so that the rest of us don’t vomit at the site of them when you choose to show them off in sandals again. There are these things called pumice stones or you can get special feet massaging wash and please, invest in some quality lotion. No, not that cheap ass watered down shit, QUALITY lotion...something that is heavy, creamy and rich. Seriously.
Update I somehow just cut myself. I’m not sure how the hell I did that since I have not been handling any knives or anything sharp. Very strange.
Update Sigh.
Update SIGH, I said.
Update So let me continue telling you about that whole cell phone story...the one I almost bought. At first, I went in to an actual store where they sell the phone and the plans. I walked in and waited while the snot hag behind the counter finished her personal phone call. There was no acknowledgment that I was a customer waiting to be helped, she just kept sitting there with the phone to her ear. I didn’t even hear her talking....just sitting there. With the phone. To her ear.
Eventually she put it down and said, “Yes?” Not, “Hi, how are you? Is there something I can help you with?” or, “Sorry that took so long” or “I’m such a shitty little bitch and have no customer service skills to speak of and I’m not clear as to why they keep me employed here but since I’m done listening to all of my messages on my cell phone and have nothing else to do, I guess I’ll see what you want. Why are you here?”
I asked her about the phone and a pay as you go plan. Her response? “Yes”. Ok, let me word this correctly. I said, “A couple of my co-workers have this phone but they have the $50 a month plan. I do not want the $50 a month plan because I don’t use the phone that much. Do you have a ‘pay as you go’ plan?”
Her: Yes.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: Ok, now, are there certain phones that are to be purchased with this plan or do all phones work with that plan? (I asked this because some companies operate just like this.)
Her: :::waving arm dismissively towards the phones::: You can get any of those.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: And in this ‘pay as you go plan’ is there an expiration date?
Her: You just repay when you use the time up.
Me: I understand that but is there an expiration date for that time/money I put down?
Her: You just pay when you run out.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
Me: Yes. Again. I understand that. My question IS, is there an expiration for that time/money I put down. Like, does it only last a year?
Her: You just put money on it when you run out. It’s pay as you go.
Someone fucking kill me.
Me: Yes, I GET that. What I’m ASKING is, say I put $30 on that phone. Say, at the end of a year, I’ve only used five of those dollars. Will that time/money expire? Say I don’t use that $30 for 10 years....will it still be there in ten years?
Her: Um..yah, you just put money on it when you run out and need more time.
Fucking! Forget it!
Me: Is there some contract or anything I can read to explain this?
Her: You don’t sign a contract.
Me: Do you have any literature to read?
Her: No.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
I then looked at the phones under the glass counter top and then looked at her while she stared at me looking at her and then looking at the phones again and then looking back at her. O. M. G.
Me: So....can I look at one of these phones?
Her: You have to come back when the guy is here.
Me: What guy?
Her: The guy that sells the phones. You can come back this time tomorrow.
I glance up at the clock. It’s almost 5pm. Is she saying that the “guy” will only be here “tomorrow” at this time or does he, perhaps, have a schedule that lasts for oh, say, at least 4 hours if not 8 hours tomorrow and that I can choose any time between this time and that time to show up? I say nothing but look back down at her waiting for more information.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: So you’re saying you cannot help me?
Her: You have to wait for the guy.
Me: You couldn’t have said that at the beginning?
Her: (shocked...she was actually shocked that I might expect some sort of helpful information!) ::staring, mouth open wide then utters a teen-age girl scoff/laugh:::
Me: Nevermind, fucking idiot.
(Yes, I did say that.)
So, couple that with looking around on the computer and having a moment to think, really think, just how much I use the phone and how I’ve done just find thus far without one and you can see why I am not getting a damn cell phone. The company should give her an award..perhaps “Employee of the Month” since she lost them a sale.
Update I was just cleaning the litter boxes, (again!), and I thought of something regarding the cell phone. The reason I was even remotely serious about looking at it was because it had a camera/video and web capabilities. See, my digital camera died and the one I want to replace it is really expensive and since I can’t seem to get my readers to come back, repeatedly in a day, I don’t have as many advertisers as I could have and make enough money to buy that camera which, in turn, would stimulate the economy, help a few people keep their jobs and I could snap fabulous and though provoking photos to put up on my site, I thought it would be a good alternative for the time being. I mean, some kind of photo is better than no photo at all, right? Besides, the sample photos seemed to be pretty decent quality. And, also, the web thingie.
See, I have to work again tomorrow which means that I will not be here all day to update my boring ATTENTION WHORE posts, (don’t think for a minute that you’re getting off the hook because I can still write a hell of a lot of useless shit in the three hours after I get home and before I go to bed....is all I’m sayin’...), because I can’t very well type on my laptop while driving an airboat. HOWEVER! With the phone, complete with Qwerty keyboard, (tiny though it may be), I could still actually punch out a few things during the day in between tours and kids, you have thus far been spared some really horrible shit because I have not had this ability. See, by the time I get home, I’m so mentally exhausted from the stupidity of it all that I close the doors, windows, curtains and blinds to block out the world in order to decompress and find some kind of sense again and when I do finally feel I have enough strength to continue on, I have forgotten much of what drove me to that state in the first place. But with a cell phone with keyboard and web access DURING THE DAY...it will make these past two posts look like child’s play. Remember my post about my co-workers making me stupid? That was just stuff I hadn’t blocked out. Imagine if I typed it all out in real time! You could live it WITH me!
So I’m going to rethink this whole phone thing again. But I think I’ll go to a different store because that stupid bint behind the counter at the one I went to will definitely get me in trouble. And we just don’t need no steenking trouble, now do we? No, we do not.
Update And, with all of that said, I’m again going to bed to continue reading, “Under The Dome” which is a fascinating story by none other than Stephen King, on my Kindle which is about the coolest damn gadget I’ve ever owned and again I’ll be popping the peanut M&Ms like a sloppy, drooling, trailer park trash pill popping drug addict until I pass out.
And I will be back tomorrow. And I’d damn well better have some comments to let out of moderation. And I may just try to figure out how to stop moderating comments so that you can all have conversations in the comments section when I’m not around.
Until then, kids....
Update Fooled you, I’m still here! I came back to bring you this breaking news...actually, let me do this correctly:
BREAKING NEWS: As of this moment, comments are no longer moderated. You do still have to fill in the captcha shit because I’m not down with spam but I am going to allow a free for all in the comments until someone fucks it all up for everyone. Do not disappoint me, kids.
Monday, January 18, 2010
You Heathens
Why have none of you ever mentioned at any point in the past 7 years just how cool Crock Pots are? I shouldn’t have to ASK, you should just tell me.
I’m putting you all on notice.
And I may come back and make more asinine statements in this post today because I’m incredibly bored. I actually have everything done that I need to do and have been scouring stupid sites on the internets all day today. You have been warned.
Oh, and would it fucking kill you to leave a comment once in awhile?
In fact, the more you all do not comment, the more I’m going to write extremely trivial and boring shit on this here blog. You really do not want that. You think I’m kidding? Don’t test me. I can go on and on for hours talking about boring ass shit that is of no interest to you, whatsoever.
So you wanna play me? Ok, let’s begin with laundry. I have done 3 loads of laundry today. I have two more to go. This includes folding them and putting them away. I use Gain laundry soap. I never measure, I just guess. And then I pour in the fabric softener at the same time, I don’t wait until the washer tells me to do it because I like to live dangerously. Rules are for pansies and little girls. When they are done washing and drying, I like to pull them out of the dryer, hug them to me and take big long deep breath...God I love the smell of Gain.
Wasn’t that fun?! Keep up the silent treatment and I’ll give you a “How To” on folding fitted sheets.
DO NOT MAKE ME GO THERE, KIDS!
You aren’t doing shit today anyway. You’re off work, yes, but I bet you’re sitting on your couch, staring blankly at the television, scratching yourselves and picking Doritos crumbs off the front of your shirt. So spare me the, “I was busy” crap because I know you lie. I got more where that laundry discussion came from.
Update There’s a mosquito in my house.
Update It just bit me.
Update Twice.
Update I’m now eating dinner. It’s a dinner I made in my crock pot that none of you bastards bothered to tell me about in the last 7 years. The mosquito is dead. I’m not having him for dinner. Although the thought crossed my mind.
Update Earlier today I almost purchased a cell phone because I haven’t had one in a few years. Meaning, I stopped paying on my “pay as you go” phone and I think they gave the number to someone else. Although I still write that as my phone number when I order something online. I mean, what difference does it make? I’m not going to talk to the company on the phone because I hate talking on the phone. I’d prefer to conduct my business via email because people really irritate the shit out of me and holding and shitty music and press 1 for this 2 for that and all that other horseshit really grates on my nerves...so it would be pointless.
And I don’t talk to my friends on the phone because I have no friends. Then when I do make a friend, for however long that friendship lasts, especially if it’s a guy friend, I would be constantly looking at it, checking it, wondering why it’s not ringing. Why am I not getting text messages every other minute? ZOMG, they must hate me now. I must have said something in my last text or email or phone conversation that made them think I’m strange and now they don’t want to talk to me but can’t figure out a way to tell me they don’t want to talk to me so instead they’ll just not talk to me at all and leave me hanging wondering, forever, the error of my ways; I’ll travel through life, numb, trying to figure out what it was but because they didn’t have the courtesy to just tell me, I’ll never know; far and wide, to the ends of the earth I’ll search for the answers, I’ll ask strangers on the streets, “What’s wrong with me? Do you think it was this or that or was it how I said the other?” and they’ll scream about the crazy lady harassing them and I’ll have to run off before the cops show up and end up in yet another town to meet another one who will do the same thing and on and on through my life it will go until I die a slow, painful, lonely death always wondering, “Was it something I said?” but never once stop to think that maybe it’s because other people have a life and just because I do not have a life does not mean every one else needs to be there for me 24/7 to entertain me to fill that chasmic void which will in turn drive the person away but of course that won’t click for some time and I’ll email those I know and analyze every last damn angle, syllable, word, punctuation, minute to death until they get sick of talking about it and to me and vanish for awhile and then I’ll feel all fucking stupid and depressed and then get pissed off and think, “fuck the world, I don’t need ‘em anyway” and vow never to let that happen again and sever all communication including devices such as a cell phone.
I then decided not to get the phone. I just saved myself $80 today. I deserve a reward.
Update For dessert, (quick digression: People, please learn the difference between “dessert” and “desert” in spelling. You use the “s” twice in “dessert”. If it’s too difficult for you to remember this simple spelling, then use this lesson I was taught as a kid: You put more s in to dessert because you want more dessert, you do not want more desert. As someone who used to live in the desert, I can attest to that), I had a glass of chocolate milk. Not just any old chocolate milk, I got soy chocolate milk. Oooh, I can see the eyeballs rolling now. Spare me, kids, I’m no veggie head or granola eater. I just ate two pork ribs from my crock pot...which, by the way, was falling off the bone my GOD why didn’t you assholes tell me about these things before? However, as much as I hate regular soy milk, (seriously, that shit is nasty), I love the chocolate milk because it’s not too rich and doesn’t feel heavy after you drink it. It’s got just the right texture, just the right flavor, right weight to it...it’s perfect. I prefer Silk brand myself. If you’ve never had it, just spend the $3 next time you go to the store and just try it. And yes, it does actually taste like chocolate. The first sip you take, there will be a slight soy after taste, I won’t lie but take another sip right after it. It’s good and it’s not that fake ass dieting chocolate crap that companies try to pass off to fatties who are trying to lose weight but can’t keep their pasty mitts off the chocolate bars. Their substitute for chocolate is fucking vile. This Silk chocolate milk, on the other hand, is perfect. I’m off for now to finish my glass but I’ll be back with more boring ass shit for all of you out there ignoring me as if I do not exist.
Update One of the cats is trying to eat my scalp.
Update I’ll have you know, I just cleaned the litter boxes. Do you see the excitement that you miss around here when you don’t bother to stop by! You no longer phone, no longer write...this is the thanks I get for raising you for 7 long years?!?! UNGRATEFUL SWINE! And just when, exactly, will you be producing some blogkids for me to pretend I give a shit about pretend I give a shit about? Do something with yourselves. Get up, get a job, cut your hair and fucking stop by once in awhile just to see if I’m still alive. I could be dead, lying in a pool of congealed blood for WEEKS and no one would know with the amount of attention you give to me.
Update Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I have just partaken in “ATTENTION WHORE” week. If you all keep this up, I could turn it in to ATTENTION WHORE month. Or even ATTENTION WHORE year! Keep acting like you don’t remember who I am and we’ll just see what happens, Mr/Mrs/Miss SmartyPants.
Update I’ve just been informed that commenting on my own comments in the comments section of my own blog is an accepted ATTENTION WHORE technique, per Dogette, the genius behind the celebration.
Update I have watered the plants.
Update My internet went out for a few minutes so I was unable to update you all with my status. This is unacceptable because I, too, am BUSY AND IMPORTANT!
Update I am now going to bed and will continue reading, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, (my favorite), and eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out. I will probably wake up tomorrow with an M&M wedged, melted underneath me. And I will once again post boring and utter crap for everyone out there who pretends they’ve never heard of me. This is your own fault so I don’t want to hear any bitching about this. YOU did this. I learned it by watching YOU!
