Thursday, July 03, 2008
Add 32 Felines, Allow To Simmer
The more people I meet, the more I don’t like people. There is something seriously wrong with people these days. It’s rare, it seems, to find people who are genuine and good, to the core. I’m certainly not perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be perfect either but I gotta tell you, I’ve seen a lot of bad, piss poor behavior in a lot of people and it’s....depressing, frankly. Don’t we have consciouses anymore?
Anyway, I’ve had a few acquaintances tell me not to give up on the whole stupid dating thing. (I mean in real life, no insult to people who have written that in comments.) I sit here and think about it, sometimes, rarely, and I think I don’t want to because it’s so much hassle, there’s so much drama and damn people are such liars about who they are.
I wonder if I’ve just been hurt too much and am bitter or if I’ve actually learned lessons along the way and realize that most people just aren’t people I want to be with for a minute more let alone the rest of my life. I really don’t know the answer to that. Maybe it’s a combination. All I know is that most people make me sick to my stomach and I find myself caring less and less about the population in general.
A part of me doesn’t want to think like that, of course but another part of me says, “Fuck them anyway. They’re all assholes in the end.” I then start listing off, in my mind, all the disgusting, mean, horrible, rude things people do on a daily basis and confirm I am right and people can suck a fat one for all I care. Screw them. Why on earth would I want to even bother dating one of these idiots?
And then like 5 minutes later I recoil, “Damn! Maybe I AM bitter. I never used to think or feel this way.”
I never wanted to be the bitter old person....not that I’m old but if this keeps up, I sure as hell will be. That’s kind of a scary thought. Children will flee from me when they see me and they’ll do shit to my house and property because I’m that person. You know the one. Ultimately, as you well know, scary person saves one kid’s life and they see that person in a different light but in the meantime, “those” types of people pay dearly. Which I can only imagine might make someone like me even more bitter. If I am bitter.
Hell, I just don’t know what I am.
Maybe I’m just exhausted and disgusted. Maybe that’s it.
“Hey, Serenity, why don’t you go out with this guy?”
UGH! Why?
Like, there’s this one person who sometimes comes in to where I work and he’s a great guy. Fantastic person. Anyone who knows him will tell you how fabulous of a person he is. He served our country, went to war, he’s calm and decent, and good looking to boot. And I enjoy the eye candy while he’s there. I might even talk about it but I do that because I know it’s safe.
It’s safe because I know I would never go out with him. Part of that is a self esteem issue...the guy must get like all the really hot girls and I’m ok, I’m decent, I can be cute sometimes but I’m certainly not hot. I think, overall, my personality is pretty awesome...except this bitter part, if that’s what it is..oh! and my serious lack of patience with all things stupid, but it seems guys go for the hot girls and not the sometimes cute girls with great personalities. I mean, how many guys cringe when they hear, “She’s got a great personality!” about a girl they’ve never met and are set up with on a blind date. Great personality doesn’t seem to get the guy. Sure, it helps for the long run. You can be a hottie with no personality and eventually guys will tire of you. Great personality will keep them around...but how does one compete in the “looks” department when so many girls are practically advertising all their goods from the get go? That seems to be what the guys look at and try to hook up with. Good personality girl gets to be the “friend I respect too much to go out with.” Of course, it’s quite possible that I just know all the wrong guys. I’m not just talking about the ones I’ve dated...what a pile of douches they have been...damn what is wrong with me? I’m also talking about co-workers, acquaintances, friends, random conversations from guys that I’ve overheard. We don’t have a “Great Personality Issue” of Sports Illustrated....just sayin’, ya know...to get the point across. Anyway, the biggest reason I know it’s safe to enjoy the eye candy who comes in sometimes and even say something once in awhile, is because I know I would not do it even if he did ask me out. Because that’s just how much I do not want to date anymore.
I know people say, “Keep your options open” and you never know who will come along....but I just really don’t think I want to be with anyone.
I guess I am bitter.
Great, now all I need to do is collect a few more cats and I’ll be the fucking crazy lady down the street.
Lovely. My life long dream.
