Wednesday, January 19, 2005
American Psycho
Is anyone else as entertained by the American Idol auditions as I am? I do like that show but my favorite parts are the first few episodes where we get to watch people make complete imbeciles out of themselves on national t.v.
Because they have raised the age limit to 28, there were a lot more actual talented people auditioning but that didn’t stop the freaks from coming out of the woodwork. While there are always going to be those who forget the words or sing way off key, every season a few nutcases actually make it through for us to watch.
Some of my favorite losers from last night:
The “G-d sent me to win” girl: This was a girl who was decent looking and held herself up well during her audition. In fact, she even got a ‘nod’ on her looks from guest judge yummy Mark McGrath. However, her singing sucked ass and when Simon and company told her such, she tried to convince them that G-d told her to sing and audition because G-d wanted her to win American Idol. To no avail though because the judges told her, in no uncertain terms, that G-d was telling them not to give her a ticket to Hollywood. So what does G-d girl say in her private after audition interview? That Simon is an asshole as well as Randy. I’m still trying to find the scripture that uses the holy term “asshole” so if any you bible readers know where it is, please point it out to me. G-d must be so proud right now.
The “I may appear to have a lot of money because of how I dress but I don’t” girl: Ok, first of all honey, it’s a sad reality that Hollywood wants you to be thin or at least if you are going to have some weight on your bones, to look halfway decent. The girl wore an extremely tight black dress which accentuated all her rolls and folds and some gaudy jewelry. She boasted about how well she dressed up and that she liked to appear as having more money than she truly did. Listen honey, the trailer trash earrings that dangle down to below your elbows are a dead give away every single time. Not to mention the Hawaii Five-O shark fin bangs. When she completed her audition, (horrible), she was informed that she was quite possibly the worst dressed contestant they had ever seen. I love Simon.
The “I’m related to Toni Braxton” chump: This was a very nice looking young man who egotistically stated that it was all over, he was going to win, why, he had the Braxton windpipes to usher him through this; it would be a breeze. Unfortunately, when he started singing, it sounded as if someone had his balls in a vice grip as his voice shook and shuddered and changed causing the judges to laugh or be rendered speechless. I could never make it as a judge on that show. You think Simon is mean?
The “Voices in my head” girl: This was better than William Hung. Dudes, I was in tears from laughing so hard. She also did the shaky voice as well as flung her arms all over the place while trying to “perform” and I was actually embarrassed for the girl. That is until Simon told her “no” and she said she had many voices, would they like to hear another. Simon asked her if the voices were in her head, she said, “yes” and they asked her what those voices were saying. But the best part of all was when she was out of the audition room, fighting back her tears and flew into a psychotic rage. Her eyeballs were bulging, she had a look on her face that said, “Voice #2 wants to kill you” and she then did another song for the camera before she walked out of the building. If you didn’t see this, oh hell did you miss out. She sang the song with such intensity on her face, such rage behind her eyes, such anger in her voice that I wondered if the cameraman would be attacked. You see, Simon and Co. are wrong because complete strangers have told her she can sing! Hey, if psycho girl sang like that to me, I’d tell her she could sing too just to avoid bodily injury.
I think some of these contestents owe these judges an apology for making them endure their talentless asses for any length of time.
Anyway, there is another episode on tonight, this time from St. Louis, MO so if you want a good laugh at other people’s expense, (it’s their fault), tune in to Fox at 8pm. Don’t forget the popcorn but be sure to eat it only during commercial breaks because you may choke on a kernel as you fall over in side splitting laughter.
I can’t believe this kind of entertainment is free.
