Saturday, January 31, 2004
An Open Letter To Rude Patrons
Dear Schmeg Head Valued Customer:
Fuck off! Thank you for visiting our fine establishment. After your piss poor behavior today, I could give a large, pile of elephant’s steaming shit if you enjoyed yourself. We hope you had a pleasurable experience.
We take customer service very seriously at our places of business, except when assclowns such as yourself waltz through those doors and will continue to listen to our guests’ feedback. Except when it comes to your incessant pissing and whining and sour attitude.
Our employees are some of the best in the country, but they aren’t mind readers. So, if you want something with your order, you’re going to have to tell them so. You can’t keep quiet about it and then get upset when it doesn’t come with your meal and have been trained to listen to your needs. That doesn’t include boring them to fucking tears with your life story on why you’re in such a hurry or snarling at them because your stupid ass forget to mention you wanted a side dish with that.
We take the time to assure that your wishes are met which is why we repeat your order back to you ya fuckless wonder! When we do that, either answer in the affirmative or correct us if we missed something but the very last thing we need out of your mouth is an abrasive, ‘What did I just say?’ because to us, that sounds like you just said you want us to drag your dinner across the floor, dunk it in the wastebin a few times and spit on it right before we bring it out to you as we understand each customer is an individual. G-d help us if there are more jackholes like you out there!
Please feel free to fill out the following “Customer Care Card” a.k.a. “I Realize My Life Sucks Sheep Snot And I Need To Feel Better By Being A Flaming Infection To Someone Else So I’ll Complain About Something Extremely Trivial Card" so that we may better serve you in the future. What will really happen is that we will all huddle around and read your card aloud between gasps of side splitting laughter before throwing it into some file that no one ever goes through. We may even send you a generic letter back so that you think we actually care that the paintings on the wall of the lobby weren’t QUITE to your standards of art or that the toilet paper in the bathrooms wasn’t soft enough for your royal ass.
Once again, we appreciate your patronage we’re so funny...we only really appreciate your money...what little of it you spent after loudly complaining about the exorbitantly high prices to someone who can do absolutely nothing about it and hope you will come back soon. I’d rather have ice picks shoved into my eye sockets than ever see your face pass through those doors again.
