Tuesday, September 22, 2009
An Open Letter To Stoopid Hooman
Dear Idiot:
Super soaker water cannon? Bring it on, peasant. We cats don’t understand where you moron hoomans get this notion that we don’t like water. May we present Exhibit A:
So, we will continue to use your “laptop” as our butt warmer. Maybe if you turned down the fricken a/c from arctic temperatures to something pleasant and balmy, we wouldn’t have to resort to such measures. We will continue to kill anything and everything that looks like a snake because the second we don’t, you yell at us about not “earning our keep” and jeeezus, lady, we are tired of you going on and ON about that! We will continue to pester you for your food because why the hell should you get the good stuff and leave us with dry cereal? Of course you don’t stick your head in our bowls because you know our food sux! Why do you think we stick our faces in to yours? Dumbass! And the planting of the fur is because you tend to forget us as you horf down all that food while sitting in front of our butt warmer staring at the light. Frankly, we think you might be a bit simple in the mind because of it. Hours, you stare! HOURS! Like a zombie. Fricken weirdo!
Now, because you had such a snotty little attitude towards us in your letter, we have compiled a list of our own demands. Pay attention:
1) You will let us hog the entire bed, stretched out to our fullest capacity and you will NOT complain. In fact, you no longer get to use the bed. You will now sleep on the floor. Better yet, why don’t you just sleep outside.
2) You will have the Cat Sitter video on at all hours of the day and not shut it off to watch more stoopid hooman heads on the talking box.
3) If we want to play in the trash, we will play in the trash and any treats we find there are ours to keep. No longer will you interfere with our treasure hunt.
4) We left our fur on the couch for a reason. You will no longer remove it.
5) Your attitude towards our litter boxes will change immediately. Not only will you clean it each and every time we use it, you will no longer ask, in a snippy little tone, “What the hell crawled up your ass and died? Damnit you stink!” You’re the twit who keeps feeding us cereal.
6) If we want to drink the water out of your water bottle, we will drink the water out of your water bottle. We KNOW we have water dishes filled with water. We just don’t want to use them.
7) Milk and cream on demand. Nothing further needs to be said about it.
8) You don’t have the best breath in the morning either so shut up about ours, already.
9) If you have the audacity to pet a mangy mutt at some point during the day, you are no longer allowed in the house until you remove all of the dog germs. In fact, you’re just no longer allowed in the house at all...except to feed us YOUR food and clean our litter boxes.
10) You will no longer push us in to those horrid little carriers when we are traveling. You sit in the carrier, we will drive.
If you cannot adhere to these demands, you will suffer the consequences. (Oh, snap! Not so nifty when those words are coming back at you now are they?) You think that little hork we did on the floor in the middle of the night was bad? Test us. We can do it on your FACE while you sleep if you keep this up. Now go clean the litter and get the hell out of our house!
Best Regards,
Presidents, VPs and CEOs of This Joint
