Friday, January 28, 2005
G-d Bless The Queen....We Mean It Man
They can’t carry hand guns, Prince Harry is sporting a swastika and Prince Charles wishes he were a tampon.
And they thought Diana and Fergie didn’t have enough class. I fear for England’s future.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
American Psycho
Is anyone else as entertained by the American Idol auditions as I am? I do like that show but my favorite parts are the first few episodes where we get to watch people make complete imbeciles out of themselves on national t.v.
Because they have raised the age limit to 28, there were a lot more actual talented people auditioning but that didn’t stop the freaks from coming out of the woodwork. While there are always going to be those who forget the words or sing way off key, every season a few nutcases actually make it through for us to watch.
Some of my favorite losers from last night:
The “G-d sent me to win” girl: This was a girl who was decent looking and held herself up well during her audition. In fact, she even got a ‘nod’ on her looks from guest judge yummy Mark McGrath. However, her singing sucked ass and when Simon and company told her such, she tried to convince them that G-d told her to sing and audition because G-d wanted her to win American Idol. To no avail though because the judges told her, in no uncertain terms, that G-d was telling them not to give her a ticket to Hollywood. So what does G-d girl say in her private after audition interview? That Simon is an asshole as well as Randy. I’m still trying to find the scripture that uses the holy term “asshole” so if any you bible readers know where it is, please point it out to me. G-d must be so proud right now.
The “I may appear to have a lot of money because of how I dress but I don’t” girl: Ok, first of all honey, it’s a sad reality that Hollywood wants you to be thin or at least if you are going to have some weight on your bones, to look halfway decent. The girl wore an extremely tight black dress which accentuated all her rolls and folds and some gaudy jewelry. She boasted about how well she dressed up and that she liked to appear as having more money than she truly did. Listen honey, the trailer trash earrings that dangle down to below your elbows are a dead give away every single time. Not to mention the Hawaii Five-O shark fin bangs. When she completed her audition, (horrible), she was informed that she was quite possibly the worst dressed contestant they had ever seen. I love Simon.
The “I’m related to Toni Braxton” chump: This was a very nice looking young man who egotistically stated that it was all over, he was going to win, why, he had the Braxton windpipes to usher him through this; it would be a breeze. Unfortunately, when he started singing, it sounded as if someone had his balls in a vice grip as his voice shook and shuddered and changed causing the judges to laugh or be rendered speechless. I could never make it as a judge on that show. You think Simon is mean?
The “Voices in my head” girl: This was better than William Hung. Dudes, I was in tears from laughing so hard. She also did the shaky voice as well as flung her arms all over the place while trying to “perform” and I was actually embarrassed for the girl. That is until Simon told her “no” and she said she had many voices, would they like to hear another. Simon asked her if the voices were in her head, she said, “yes” and they asked her what those voices were saying. But the best part of all was when she was out of the audition room, fighting back her tears and flew into a psychotic rage. Her eyeballs were bulging, she had a look on her face that said, “Voice #2 wants to kill you” and she then did another song for the camera before she walked out of the building. If you didn’t see this, oh hell did you miss out. She sang the song with such intensity on her face, such rage behind her eyes, such anger in her voice that I wondered if the cameraman would be attacked. You see, Simon and Co. are wrong because complete strangers have told her she can sing! Hey, if psycho girl sang like that to me, I’d tell her she could sing too just to avoid bodily injury.
I think some of these contestents owe these judges an apology for making them endure their talentless asses for any length of time.
Anyway, there is another episode on tonight, this time from St. Louis, MO so if you want a good laugh at other people’s expense, (it’s their fault), tune in to Fox at 8pm. Don’t forget the popcorn but be sure to eat it only during commercial breaks because you may choke on a kernel as you fall over in side splitting laughter.
I can’t believe this kind of entertainment is free.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Worship Me! I'm A Hollywood Celebrity!
It seems that for some people, the more money they make, the dumber they become. You see, in Hollywood, you don’t necessarily need talent or brains....all you need is a breast augmentation, dress like a slut and act as fucking ridiculous as you possibly can.
In serious need of attention and perhaps in an attempt to make up for her SNL laughfest, Ashlee Simpson reveals that she can belch out the entire alphabet. In fact, she considers this a “special” talent. Well, when one can’t sing to save her life, I guess belching would be considered top notch skills. Maybe she should start belching out her songs. Right...she’d probably lip synch that too.
As if we hadn’t heard enough from J-Lo for a fucking LIFE! TIME! She’s now pleading with us to stop calling her just that. She wants to be called “Jennifer” because, damnit, that’s who she is. And don’t you dare call her Jenny either despite the fact that she wrote a song called, “Jenny From The Block” in which she stated that Jenny is who she really is and she’s just “keeping it real”. Perhaps she and Madonna Ethel can swap ideas for a new name.
I wrote about Tom Cruise and his belief in Scientology awhile back but it appears now he has been awarded a medal from the Church of Scientology for “changing the face of education”! Yep, he certainly educated the rest of us on what a fucking whack job he is. That medal, a purple cloak and a tube of chapstick will really help Tom when his alien ancestors stop by Earth for a visit.
And oh goody. Dennis Rodman has accepted to be part in an ad for PETA where he poses naked. The slogan is, “I’d rather go naked than wear fur.” I personally do not like it when people wear fur myself but in this instance, I think I’d prefer Dennis Rodman wear fur than go naked. Dudes. You have seen what he looks like right?
Of course, you can’t have a stupid celebrity round up without good ol’ Paris Hilton. Seems she was looking through magazines at a news stand and saw they were selling her sex tapes. Miss Pose and Preen Look How Cute and Nice I Am, went apeshit and started tearing things down before stealing her own sex tape. Seems she didn’t want “‘young fans’ who shop at the store...[to] see it and get the wrong impression of her." Uh, little late for that Paris and even without the tape, I think we all got a big fat impression of you in your little series with your skank ho sidekick, Nicole Richie. So NOT hot!
Some celebrities will just never, ever get it. They have too much money and very little sense. Thankfully, however, there are Hollywood celebs out there who continue to get it right. Sandra Bullock, that adorable, humble and fine lady, has donated 1 Million dollars towards the tsunami relief efforts. Of course, after she did this, many other celebrities hopped on board the “Look How Charitable I Am” bandwagon but so far, none have come close to Miss Bullock’s extremely generous donation. I’ve always liked her and this makes me like her that much more. Maybe she can give the rest of Hollywood a few lessons on class, grace and thoughtfulness.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Beauty Is Feathers Deep
So a friend just reminded me about something that kind of annoyed me. I actually watched, “The Swan” this season despite my best efforts to ignore the show. Now, before we begin, I have no qualms with those who get plastic surgery to correct a birth defect or an injury from an accident or if rhinoplasty really does help them breathe better, then hey, what the hell, do it and make yourself feel better, physically.
However, I just don’t agree with those who use plastic surgery to “build their self esteem” because no matter what anyone says, I think that’s absolute bullshit. If you have no self esteem, you gotta start working on your mind because you can get those augmentations or suck out all your fat but in the end? You still got self esteem issues. A nip and tuck, a slice and dice isn’t going to be the cure all for what bothers you.
So, when I saw a commercial for the show I thought it was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen and made a point not to watch it. One night, however, there was just nothing on and I was bored but didn’t feel like actually doing anything so, while flipping through channels, I happened upon this program.
For those who have never seen it, what they do is take two females who applied and cart them off for three months to a hotel room. They take down all the mirrors so these ladies cannot get a peek into what they look like until the very end. While I understand why they did that, (for the surprise effect), I don’t agree with that either.
Anyway, the ladies then go to various platic surgeons and the dentist and things like that and get everything that is “wrong” with them, taken care of. I’m all understanding about the dentist. Healthy teeth actually makes for a healthier life. The rest? Sigh. The show goes on and I discover that they also send these ladies to a mental health specialist, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, whatever you want to call the person and have the ladies deal with their emotional issues. They are also required to go to the gym and learn how to get themselves into shape regardless of all the liposcution they get so that’s also a plus.
Ok, I guess this isn’t all bad.
Still, after three months are over, they walk into a grand room and stand before curtains which are shielding a full length mirror. When the hostess says, “Look at yourself”, the curtains pull back and the lady sees herself for the very first time in three months. And, of course, they are stunned by what they see and every one of them that I saw was very happy.
The problem? They didn’t look a thing like their former physical selves. They have been cut up and sewn back together to look a certain way and unless they were black or hispanic, they all got their hair dyed blonde and it was like watching a factory spit out dolls.
Most of these women really only needed to lose a little weight and they would have looked just fine. Whatever, they were all happy with the results and felt all good and everything because of their physical appearance.
Each episode ends with one lady being voted to try out for the pageant, the Swan pageant and at the end of the season, all those who were picked from each week’s program, strut their stuff on stage and then one is named the ultimate Swan.
What chapped my hide the most about this show? They all say, in their little speeches, that beauty is found on the inside, that what’s inside is what matters.
Uh....yah. While I agree with that, I really don’t think that message is getting through. Therefore, I stand by my first thoughts about this show: It really is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.
Remember girls: You simply are not worthy unless you look a specific way because that is all that matters: How you look.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
"But I Lurve Him!"
Ugh! Not only does the “pop” whore Britney teach little girls how to act like the biggest sluts this side of Betty Paige, now she’s teaching them how to act like the biggest idiots when it comes to relationships.
This time, she’s marrying for love, Britney Spears said of her recent engagement to dancer Kevin Federline. “Marrying Kevin was the last thing I was thinking about doing”...
... Spears, 22, and Federline, 26, began dating a few months ago...
Would someone please explain to me why these morons in Hollywood feel the need to rush right into things and make a complete ass spectacle of themselves? They began dating a few months ago....a few months ago fer cripes sake! Is the world ending soon? Is there a sale at Macy’s for married people only? I mean, seriously, what’s wrong with waiting a few...oh, I don’t know...years??!
Federline popped the question on an airplane while flying with Spears from Ireland to New York after the European leg of her tour. “I’d known for a while that she’s the one,” he says.
He “popped” the question to her after Britney has just asked him for his hand in wedded nightmare bliss just moments before. He said, “No.” Perhaps visions of dollar signs then began rolling through his head? I mean, he’s just a throw away dancer...one injury and he’s screwed. Latch on to an insanely rich lip syncher singer..hey, life is set even if it doesn’t work out.
Oh, ya think I’m being too hard on the guy? Really?
Federline, who performed as a backup dancer for Justin Timberlake, Spears’ former boyfriend, previously was involved with Shar Jackson, star of TV’s “Moesha.” They have a 2-year-old daughter and are expecting another baby.
I think not.
Jackson [said] that “after I meet her (Britney) and everything’s cool, we can be one big happy family."
How touching. Excuse me, I think I’m going to vomit.
Spears says she plans to meet Federline’s daughter and wants children of her own someday. “I’m not pregnant. (But) I definitely want to have some kids. I see myself with four or five.”
She adds: “We’re starting with a dog. I just got a Maltese named Lacy.
I fear for the future.
Seems you can take the whore out of the trash but you can’t take the trash out of the whore. Just ask Madonna. Oh, excuse me, Esther. Whatever.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Can't Buy Me Love
Awwww....all is not well in TinselTown for poor Justin Timberlake. Seems he got dumped by his girlfriend, Cameron Diaz.
Justin Timberlake reportedly has been dumped by girlfriend Cameron Diaz—because she thinks she’ll be taken more seriously in Hollywood without him.
Er...yah. It was her choice of boyfriend that was holding her back. I’m sure those Charlie’s Angels movies had nothing to do with her falling image. Newp.
"Justin wanted Cameron to move in with him but she didn’t feel ready to make that kind of commitment. She told him in Cannes because being at the film festival made her realize just how important her career is to her."
Not a thing wrong with being very passionate about one’s career but let’s read between the lines. This isn’t just about her career, mmkay? This is a nice, tactful way of saying, “Yah, Justin, you ain’t doin’ it for me.”
So, what does Justin do? Does he take the hint and bow out gracefully? Of course not! He is under the impression that he can buy back her affections.
Justin Timberlake hopes to patch things up with Cameron Diaz by taking her out on a £50,000 date.
Ahem...Justin...that never works. Oh, maybe temporarily as now the girl feels obligated to be civil to you but in the long run....it simply doesn’t pan out the way you hope.
...the singer persuaded his girlfriend to come on his tour of Australia with him after they had a huge row over their busy schedules.
I think the statement she made was that she wanted to be taken seriously in Hollywood and having Justin on her arm isn’t going to do it for her. Looks as though Timber here can’t accept that. Denial is not only a river in Egypt.
So to reward her he now plans to take her out for a special meal at Doyles fish restaurant in Sydney.
Reward her? Reward her like a dog who does a trick correctly? Hey Justin, I think I may have found the problems in your relationship.
He has also booked a jazz band and soul singers to provide entertainment, and wants white roses and candles everywhere.
Oh how stifilingly boring! Sigh...this has been so done before. Something creative Justin....you’re losing points left and right here.
"Justin has made enquiries at Doyles in Watsons Bay to see if they will stay open extra late for him and Cameron to eat alone, just the two of them."
Ah, so not only does he “reward” his girlfriends as if they were of the canine species, he’s selfish too. He wants the staff at this restaurant to work later, disregarding their own families and lives so that he can try, in a seriously desperate and pitiful attempt, to win back the heart of a girl who clearly does not want him around.
It’s sad really.
Speaking of Timberlake girls and lots of money, Britney was spotted out shopping earlier.
I wonder if she heeded my advice to buy decent looking apparel.
Sigh! Celebrities. They can’t even dress themselves without direction. What’s with the hat Britney? The trucker look is getting really old and it never did look good on you. I promise it’s easier to run a brush through your hair than stuff all of it into an unsightly cap. And is that a spaghetti sauce stain I see? How the hell did you get Chef Boyardee up that high? Actually, you know what? Nevermind. I’ve just decided some things are better left unknown. So, fine. I will offer some choices:
Since you like the look of farmers and/or truckers, you know how much they rely on duct tape so, if you really want to go for the look, have you considered…
...duct tape clothing?
No? Yah, it is stupid isn’t it. OH! I know! This is all the rage up in Idaho and there are tons of farmers and truckers and the like up there! How about:
Huh? Whaddya think? And you can even still get away with wearing a hat! Look:
I think your fake blonde hair would set off the leafy green rather well. Comments?
Too complicated? Need something a little more subtle, help you blend in with the crowd? Ok. How about a very simple cut potato sack?
Looks good on Barbie doesn’t it?
I think we have a winner here folks.
[credits: Kevin @ Wizbang for Duct Tape Clothing and BlogCastLive for the Barbie photoshop]
Friday, June 11, 2004
I Could Use The Cash
I’ve decided to talk about something I’ve never talked about before on this blog. Hideous celebrities.
Exhibit A:
I absolutely do not understand the appeal to look like a bag of slop when the bank account is filthy fat. I said this before when I lived in Seattle and the “grunge” look was all the rage and celebrities would spend exorbitant amounts of money to look like they bumrushed the nearest homeless guy and stole his clothes.
Here’s a newsflash for the rich and famous: There is nothing cool about the way you are dressed. I also find it highly offensive that you would attempt to even “dress like the average Joe”. There is absolutely nothing glorious about having clothes that are filthy, torn, shredded from too many washings, faded, stained, buttons missing, etc. and not having the money to purchase nice, clean fitting clothes. Nothing.
As I have not been extraordinarly wealthy in my life, I have an entire wardrobe of apparel that will surely get your squeals releasing at how “cool and authentically worn in and used they appear!”
So let’s make a deal: You want to look like trash, I want to wear nice clothes without tears or missing cuffs. I will fling open the doors to my closet and you can grab whatever your dirtbaggy self finds “righteous”. In return, you will pay me HALF of what you would have spent at those upscale stores to get this look of years and years of wear and tear. You may continue to look like crap and I will finally have a decent wardrobe. Everyone is happy.
Hours of operation: Monday-Sunday: 10am-8pm
All sales final
Cash only
Today’s Special: I recently ripped a 2 inch hole in the side of my pajama pants right at the hip. There is only one of these so make your offer quickly before it gets snatched up!
