For the first time in my life, I’m not worrying. I can relax and ease into things. I have no serious time line and I don’t feel an urgency or a rush to accomplish what I wish to accomplish. By that I mean, I don’t have to stress thinking to myself that I have only this amount of time and I need to hurry up. On one hand, this is a very good thing because when I get rushed or feel the need to succeed immediately, I make mistakes that always cost me more in the end. On the other hand, I am not necessarily a master in the art of “taking it easy” when it comes to giving myself some slack.
If you would have told me that I would be where I am today, this time last year, I would have thought you were high, insane or stupid. But I’m here, where I’m getting cut a little slack in life and it’s a relief. I know almost every reader out there has a different belief or thought process than every other reader and me and that’s okay, but my beliefs and thought processes are based on personal experiences. I have always believed in a little bit of fate, a little bit of luck and as I’m still going back and forth between the existance of a higher power or not, a little bit of that sometimes.
The biggest thing I’ve learned, which has been one of the hardest things to learn and I still try to go against what I’ve learned is that sometimes, you have to give up the control. Each and every single time I have made precise plans towards my goals or to finish certain situations or issues, something has thrown a monkey wrench into them. They have yet to go “according to plan” and it can be very frustrating. About 5-6 years ago a friend told me I needed to give up the control. Now, I’ve heard that before but no one ever explained it to me or they didn’t explain it in a way I would understand what everyone was talking about. Give up control? What? That’s stupid! Just sit back and wait for something to happen? That is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard. But my friend explained it to me that instead of having everything structured, scheduled and written in stone, I needed to leave some leeway. Leave room for the unexpected to happen. Adapt to change. If it doesn’t go precisely according to plan, it doesn’t mean you have failed.
After a few years of struggling with that concept, I started to leave some leniency in my schedules and sure enough, even though things didn’t go as I wished them to, I always came out okay. And that’s the thing. I always somehow manage to come out of things okay.
Need a recent example? Long time readers know that I moved to Houston, TX to stay with my brother for a year. The plan was to work hard and save all my money so that I would have a little cushion and could then go back to school and do things like that. They will also know that it took me three months to find a job. (Not going according to plan.) I broke my ankle in February, (really not going according to plan) and that as my year end was approaching, there were times when I would stress out pretty badly. I didn’t have nearly the money in my account I was hoping I would have, the broken ankle ate up a lot of what I did not only in medical bills but because I didn’t work at all for two months while I healed and then after that, I was on part time. So not according to plan.
Then one day I told myself to stop worrying about it. Stop stressing out each night as I layed there, staring at the ceiling, clock ticking away, getting no sleep. I told myself that I still had three or four months left and that anything could happen in that time. Just see what happens.
I wasn’t sitting back waiting for something to come to me. I was still looking around for places to live, schools, talking to friends, trying to get an idea of what I had to work with but I stopped stressing. I accepted the fact that I needed to let fate guide me where I was going to end up. Again, I know many of you out there don’t believe “in that fate crap” but I do.
Anyway, not one week after I decided to just let fate take me wherever it is she was going to take me, I got the invite to the situation I’m in right now. Further, the invite isn’t strict in its boundaries. I don’t have to rush. I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to stress. I can take my time, do things the right way and finally learn to relax in the process.
So. I haven’t been around that much and I hope you understand. I’m in a very new situation not only in the physical sense but mentally. At the same time I’m learning more about my friends and gaining new, younger ones, I’m learning a hell of a lot about myself. This time, though, it’s the positive side I’m learning rather than the “learn from your monumental mistakes once again”.
And, once again, I had absolutely no intentions of this entry coming out like this. I was merely going to give a small paragraph about my lack of blogging and then this came out. For the old timers, long time readers....you should know by now to expect this sort of thing from me once in awhile. For new readers: Although I do like talking about politics and guns and animal welfare, (not PETA for the last damn time...I swear to G-d the next person who dares compare me to PETA is going to get it), this blog is also a place where I regurgitate my thoughts of a more personal nature. It is not only cathartic, who knows, maybe it will help someone else....maybe someone else feels the same way I do. Of course, I don’t close the door on the idea that I’m completely strange and not normal....but I think that’s just because people don’t or won’t admit things like this in public.
C’est la vie. If someone thinks I’m strange or “too deep” or “there she goes again on her little philisophical posts”, hey, I’m not the one with the problem.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a 16 year old friend of mine waiting for me to help her memorize her monologue as they have requested to be taught drama and anyone who knows me really well, knows exactly why I’m jumping in on that.
<--- Here Endeth The Lesson
