Monday, February 15, 2010
Frustrating
Sometimes I feel stifled...even here on this blog. This was supposed to be an outlet for me, to write anything I wanted to write, to say whatever I wanted to say, to vent, tell a story, put my thoughts down, learn and grow from them…
I don’t always want to be the funny one. I don’t always want to point out the insanity of the general public. I don’t always want to speak to the peanut gallery. I don’t always want to talk politics. I don’t always want to have to point out why someone is an idiot or why their actions are stupid. I don’t always want to be a voice of reason.
I do not always say “everything there is to say”. I hear this a lot. “You’ve said everything and better than I could.” No, I seriously doubt that. I think some of you sell yourselves short.
Regardless, sometimes I want to talk about personal shit and I don’t feel like I can do that here. That is not a good feeling. I’m always going to alienate someone or some people because they only want a certain type of blog entry. I’m always going to have those who don’t understand anything and think that when you write about something that bothers you, not venting, writing, not ranting, WRITING, about something that is serious to you that is personal, they view it as whining or that you feel entitled to something or that you have it so good, what the hell are you crying about, why don’t you think about those in this world who don’t even have beds to sleep on!
I understand that you only get to see glimpses of my personality. You don’t get to see the whole thing but I also wish people would stop making generalizations about myself or other bloggers based solely on what they see in the blog. These are not all encompassing pieces. There is much more to us than what you see. And I would love nothing more than to feel free, really, truly free, to write some of those things down. To try to make sense of them. To try to figure out the path to take because of those things.
But I do not feel that freedom here no matter how many times someone says, “Write what you want to write about , we’ll still read!” because it’s not true. In the 7 years I’ve been doing this, I’ve heard that several times as well and you know what? “We’ll always read no matter what you write” is a fucking lie. I have a different crowd depending on what I’m writing about at the time.
If I write politics, I get a different crowd.
If I write animals, I get a different crowd.
If I write about stupid, every day people and situations, I get a different crowd.
If I write something a little personal, I get a different crowd.
It is RARE that one person will stick around for all of those subjects. And I hate to lose readers or gain new ones who expect a certain theme. If I didn’t care about readers, I would be writing in a personal diary that no one would see. Anybody who puts their words out there on the internets obviously cares about other people reading it. Those who say they don’t are liars.
But every time I think of writing something serious, all I can question is: Who am I going to offend today? Who is going to come here and say some nasty little thing without knowing the full story? Who is going to come on here and be a dick when I’m exposing some deep feelings? You may not know this, kids, but I’m actually very sensitive. I know I don’t come across that way on this blog because I’m passionate about morons, passionate in my disgust over them, that is, but some things, you can cut me pretty easily and deeply. I’ve had a fair share of pricks in this lifetime who have done just that, some times they were other bloggers, and I really don’t feel...safe, with those kinds of people out there.
I’m pretty private in real life. I don’t really like to share much with many in my real life. I would usually share with one or two people and that would be it. But sometimes, I just want to write about some of that personal shit because for the most part, I don’t know any of you. You are strangers to me. Sure, you come here and comment and we have a blog/reader/writer friendship that way but you wouldn’t know me if you saw me on the street and vice versa. That makes me feel safe. It’s much easier to talk to strangers.
At the same time, that anonymity gives some people license to act like assholes. Hiding behind a computer screen can make you open up, as I wish to do but it can also bring out the spitfire dick in some people.
And because this is off the cuff, it’s probably coming out wrong and someone, somewhere, is going to get all offended and say, “Well fuck you, too, Serenity. I don’t need to read your shit anymore.” And there’s not a fucking thing I can do about that.
At the same time some readers make me feel stifled, it’s those readers who make me come back here and keep this thing up. I just have to figure out which to care more about right now. I don’t like feeling censored. Yah, a strong word but at times it feels that way. ‘Only talk about this and this and that, nothing else or I’m not coming back!’
“You shouldn’t care about those types of people, Serenity.” Except that’s a large percentage of my readers, as I illustrated earlier.
I am more than just one who vents about stupidity but I don’t feel free to write about it.
That really sucks.
