Sunday, August 31, 2003
Horror!
Oh! My! G-d!
I was busy getting ready to pack things and had decided to go to the back bedroom to sort through what I’m keeping and what I’m tossing. I made it one step inside that room. My eye caught a HUGE, MONSTOROUS, BROWN, THICK, nasty ass spider (or, in Russian--"paook" which I will use from here on out cause I can’t even stand to write the English word for it....blech!) sitting on the wall near the ceiling. This bitch was the size of my hand in area!
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!”, I shouted to no one. FUCK! Why!? Why must it be in MY house!
My mind raced to come up with a plan....it must die! It must die and it must not touch me! Ah-ha! I still have some RAID! HAHAHAHA! You will perish you bastard paook, you will perish!
I ran and got the RAID and a shoe and stood below it, spraying, laughing and cursing, “How you like it now bitch! Huh! Breathe that in you asshole! Come into MY house and terrorize ME will you!”
All it did was slightly recoil. Then it recovered and started racing along the wall.
AAAAAAAAA! NO! NO YOU DON’T! YOU. WILL. DIE!
I unloaded half a can of RAID on its ass.....merely stunning it. Its beady eyeballs attached to antennae, were staring at me, probably plotting on how it was going to carry me off and suck my blood dry. I ran and grabbed a bar stool and jumped onto it, making sure that when the paook fell, it would not land on me.
Then I SLAMMED ITS ASS with my shoe! I pounded on it, BEAT it....and the fucker just stared at me! I didn’t even make a dent!
FUCK!
I knew that it was now or never....so, I put my hand inside my shoe, realizing this could result in a possible paook touching me as it fell to the ground but damnit! This situation needed to be controlled!
I beat the ever living snot out of this thing, repeatedly, over and over, all the while screaming obscenities....until it finally hurtled to the carpet below.
And the bitch was still moving!
I jumped down off the bar stool and smashed that paook ass into oblivion until he was nothing more than a giant heap of awkwardly splayed legs.
YAH! NOW WHAT!? FUCK YOU! YOUR ASS IS DEAD! LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL OF YOU PAOOKI OUT THERE!
It was at this time the coughing started. I coughed and coughed...damnit...I poisoned myself! I was doubled over...managed to make my way to the bathroom.....you KNOW what happened then! I spent a good ten minutes relieving myself of a once eaten meal. And I kept coughing.
Shaking and with tears streaming down my face from the sickness, I crawled to my bedroom and closed the door to escape the fumes.
I laid on my side, curled up in a ball, counting to 100. Finally, I was able to breathe normally again. And here I am now.
All should be well...*cough cough*...I think I’ll live. Just imagine this and realize it didn’t even affect the paook...and then you should realize how enormous this thing was.
Sigh--and now, I must resume my packing--I just barely started and already I’m exhausted. I hope that this is the worst experience I have during this move.
