Tuesday, March 22, 2011
How To Properly Bathe A Cat
Bathing a cat is a little difficult but it can be done. Here’s what you do…
You will need:
Cat
Bathtub
Appropriate shampoo for the cat
Towel
heavy gloves, preferably the type worn by bird of prey trainers
A bottle of wine
A newspaper
Kleenex
Cell phone
A second bottle of wine
Tickets to a show
The first thing you should do is go to your bathtub and fill it with about 1/4” to 1/2” of warm water. Locate the shampoo bottle and open it. Position yourself at the tub and ensure that the bottle of shampoo, the bottle of wine, phone, Kleenex and the towel are within easy reach of your tub position.
Test again.
Test a third time.
You are now ready for the cat. Put the gloves on now. These gloves will scare the cat but it’s better to have them on now, not later.
Locate cat. Coo at cat. Bribe cat. Watch as cat runs and hides under bed. Cat is not stupid.
Find better treats and act nonchalant. Act like you do not care one whit if the cat ever comes up to you again, ever. Sit on the floor, near your bathroom but not in it, and open a newspaper in front of you. (You are still wearing the gloves. Do NOT take the gloves off! Important!) Pretend to read engrossing story.
Cat cannot resist newspaper spread on floor. Must plant butt in center of newspaper. Allow cat to do so.
Grab cat. Run to the bathroom and put cat in water in bathtub.
Listen to cat scream.
Steel yourself. Do NOT let the cat convince you that it’s dying. It is not dying.
Wet cat thoroughly. Wish that you had thought to get earplugs. Wonder what the neighbors are thinking. Fight with cat. Suffer first wound.
Push cat to floor of tub with one hand and grab open, (see), shampoo bottle with second hand. Pour a bit of the contents on back of cat. Admire the decibels that the cat can reach with its voice. You didn’t know it was possible.
Continue to worry about neighbors calling cops.
While holding cat with one hand, scrub shampoo in to cat with other hand.
Suffer second wound. Think to yourself that the gloves are useless but you are not thinking rationally right now, they are saving you.
Continue to scrub cat and listen to it howl, growl and scream at the top of its lungs.
Try to reason with cat. Discuss with cat how this is for its own good.
Suffer third wound. Cat does not believe you.
Wish that neighbors would call the cops because you are now bleeding profusely.
While you are looking at your third wound, cat squirms and gets away. Cat tears around the house flinging water and shampoo all over everything.
Start to cry.
Grab Kleenex and use.
Open bottle of wine. Take a drink.
Take another drink.
Take a third drink.
Search for cat. Follow the water/shampoo trail. Go from bathroom, to kitchen, to walls, to curtains, to ceiling, (how?), to bedroom, to laundry room, back to kitchen, under the table, on the couch, along the front window, back to bedroom, inside closet.
You have located the cat. It is cowering, in the dark, back corner of your closet. Hissing. This is going to be painful.
Gather your resolve and capture cat.
Run back to bathroom with pissed off cat.
Suffer fourth wound.
Get cat in tub by any means necessary and roll it around in the water. You were going to do it nicely, you were going to scoop water up with your hand and gently, with soft caresses even, rinse the shampoo off the cat but that is not going to happen. There is only one way to rinse the cat and it’s fast and furious.
Watch in awe as cat shoots out of the bathroom.
Suffer fifth wound in process.
Cry some more. Use more Kleenex. Find bottle of wine. Finish it off.
Locate cat.
Bring cat back to tub, with more determination, a stronger hand and finish rinsing cat. Go to grab towel.
Cat uses you as an escape route and slices you open along the arms, torso and scalp. Towel is not for cat, towel is for you, to soak up the blood.
Grab phone, you’re about to pass out from blood loss. Call 911 and request an ambulance immediately.
Grab second bottle of wine and start chugging. Wait for ambulance.
Go to hospital and get stitched up, get antibiotics, get laughed at. Be released.
Come home. Rest for a few days.
On your day off, take tickets to show and go out. You have definitely earned it.
