Friday, February 15, 2008
I'm Invisible At The Wrong Times
Whenever I go out, shopping or a theme park or where ever in public, it seems like I’m invisible because 9 times out of 10, I am the one who gets run over even if I am with someone else, even IF that person is holding my hand. They avoid the other person and make a bee line right for me. And it’s annoying. The guy I told you about earlier totally saw that, made comments about it before I even could and would always make me feel better about it by making an announcement about my invisibility or yanking me by the hand to a stop and then pretending we were checking the time just to make other stop running over me.
So it’s not just me.
Other times, I wish I was invisible.
It’s not that I don’t have a thing to write about, I have a crap load of things to write about. The problem is, some people who read here, know me and some people who used to know me continue to keep finding my blog. People I knew from fricken HIGH SCHOOL for shit’s sake, find my blog and read all about my life.
I LOATHED high school and hated damn near everyone in it. I do NOT want them reading about my life, now.
And sometimes, the person I want to talk about, knows about my site and I can’t talk about the situation I want to talk about because they may read it and sometimes I just want to vent...get my frustrations out and say what I want to say, in all its rawness before confronting that person but I cannot do that because they might see it and then shit really hits the fan. It’s not that I’m not honest, it’s that relationships, friendships, need tact. I’m not the best in tact but fuck, man, that’s why I got a blog in the first damn place so that I COULD say whatever, get those thoughts out BEFORE confronting those people.
I have a desire to talk about it on a public forum NOT for the attention but because if I write it in a diary or private site, I don’t get the feedback that I may need. Look, I know I’m not perfect and sometimes, what I think is TOTALLY rational, is not. And the feedback helps me realize that....but I feel....stifled right now because of what I said before. I can’t vent it and get that feedback anonymously.
So I’ve not been posting a whole hell of a lot over the past months. Hell, over the past couple of years I’ve not posted a shit load that I wanted to post about various situations. Fuck, even some of my co-workers have found my site and I can’t even bitch about work, entirely.
It’s like my outlet has been limited and I NEED that outlet...more than most of you could possibly know.
I’m still deciding if I should just say, “screw it all” and post whatever about anyone or keep things to myself and never get feedback to see if there are times I am, GASP!, wrong. (It’s RARE, I KNOW, but it does happen.)
I think, truthfully, it’s where a lot of my frustration comes in.
But, it’s also my own damn fault. I wanted so many to read what I wrote that I forged friendships and told people too much. Now I pay for it.
FUCK.
Of course, the other part of me says, “Hey, this is you, they should love you for you, all of you, no matter what you say.” But, seriously, who tells their friends or loved ones EVERYTHING? This isn’t about, “It’s your blog, write what you want” because there IS the potential for people’s feelings to get hurt when I write personal things.
Politics? Eh, who gives a flying rat’s hind quarters if the other side gets bent out of shape...but personal? That’s totally different.
Strangers I’ll never see or never see again? Who gives a cupful of shit if they happen upon this site and read my post about them? That matters NOT, to me.
People I know? Totally, 100% different.
A big dilemma for me because I am in serious need of an outlet.
