Saturday, August 25, 2007

It's Not Right

I hate that I have to let someone down in order to benefit myself.  What I’ve learned so far in life is that doing things the exact right way, being completely honest, putting everyone else ahead of myself and empathizing with all situations is that I am the one who ends up totally screwed in the end.  Everyone else is happy....I’m the one left out in the cold.

So.  This time?  I’m going to put myself first.  It’s a situation that will benefit me greatly in the long run and I’m not screwing anyone over...I’m just going to be letting them down.  With very short notice.  And I don’t like that feeling.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t care about other people’s feelings as much as I do.  Life would be so much easier if I was a selfish asshole or moronic tool shed like so many others.

But every bad situation that I’ve been in?  In there, somewhere, is me being screwed because I cared too much about how it was going to be for someone else.  Every.  Single.  Rough situation in my life has been made worse because of that very thing.  I use to think it was a good thing about me, a great quality---now, I think it’s a flaw.

And now, I’m going to act like an uncaring asshole in order to make life better for me.  And while it’s not entirely wrong, it’s not entirely right, either.  I know this.  Just like I know those who do these sorts of things all the time, know this.

How the hell do they all sleep at night?