Monday, May 28, 2007
Lights Out
Yah. Well, today’s little black out incident answered a question I had been mulling over for awhile. (For those of you who informed me, thank you. For those who didn’t notice, suck a rotten one...how DARE you not come by here on a daily basis.) I had been wondering if I wanted to keep doing this because there are days that I really think it’s weird to share all that I do with a bunch of complete strangers. And I think how odd it is for you strangers to read the life and experiences of someone you don’t know....you fracking vouyers! (And how lucky for you that I now have 6 new entries in the past 3 days for you nosy people to read.)
And then a reader emailed me to let me know that the site was acting in a way it should not be acting and wouldn’t you know it, it was at that precise moment that every single thing I have ever wanted to discuss, debate or think about out loudly rushed forward and started screaming at me, demanding their fair share of air time. I had witty things to say, wise ideas to share, topics were organized and succinct; ready to be taken on by the world. They wanted to be written about and they wanted it now! No, I could not write them down in Word and publish them later, it doesn’t work like that. I open Word and my mind mirrors the page. I come here and often times find that the posts write themselves. It should be pointed out that my better more well received posts are usually written like this so I guess I can’t really take the credit for those since I’m apparently not consciously aware of what I’m writing at those times.
Anyway, I’m boring myself now....so let’s get to the point. I am here for 2 more years at the least. Some of you are happy, thank you and some of you are bitterly angry, fuck you.
After I paid the bill and waited for the site to appear again, I began to think about what I’ve done here in the past four years. I’ve gone from politics to humorous stories to personal stories and back with a bit of fluff thrown in once in awhile. I’ve NOT written about some things I wanted to write about because the person I was writing about read the site. I have not written about issues people have strong opinions about because I just did not wish to deal with the idiots anymore. I have not written very personal stuff, (trust me, what you’ve seen here is not all that damn personal to me), because I still have this thing about vulnerability and until I know for sure, 100% that someone who reads those words AND also knows me will NOT go away no matter what they read or know about me? It ain’t getting written on a public site.
And since I do not know that, some things do not get written. And that’s a damn shame. Because I have a lot to talk about. BUT, aside from that kind of stuff, the very personal stuff, the rest of it? I’m writing. And if someone gets their feelings hurt or gets their panties in a bundle over what I’ve said, tough shit.
I know, I say this at least once a year and then I ACT like I’m writing whatever I want and everyone says to do that, but I still don’t do it. But, I think I’ve been about as hurt and vulnerable as I ever intend to allow, recently, and I actually really mean it when I say, this time, I just really don’t give a flying monkey’s ass what anyone thinks about me anymore.
There was one person in my life who mattered and that person is no longer there....and it sucks complete ass....and no one will ever be able to hurt me like that person did. Not one single soul. Not only because that person was important to me, (I know I was not important to that person, that’s not the point), but I will not allow anyone to make me feel like that again. The good or the bad.
And I really don’t wish to hear all the assvice about it either. Time can lick balls because time does not always heal. And no, it’s not because I’m stronger because of the experience, it’s because I am apathetic about what anyone thinks about me anymore.
Oh I know I’m an idiot...I know that. I know I’m naive. I know I’m blind. I know time stretches longer for me than most people and words mean more to me than most people and “honesty” is something that has an entirely different definition to me than most people. I’m like a kid when it comes to the honesty. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Anything short of that is dishonesty, in my eyes. And I’m a twit to actually believe I’ll ever get that in the adult world. Lying is something that just flows out of people’s mouths so easily. Many people...I’m not singling any one person out, MANY people lie every fucking day in this world and they call it “niceties”.
Further, I’m tired of people telling me I’m not good enough. My hair isn’t right, my clothes aren’t right, my car isn’t right, my job isn’t right, my education isn’t right, my home isn’t right, my ideas aren’t right, my drive isn’t right, my goals aren’t right.....it’s never enough. I’m never enough. I always have to be perfect, happy and smiling and laughing all the mother fucking time and be wealthy and successful and groomed perfectly or I’m not fucking right or good enough.
And I’ve had enough of that. I’ve gone through enough years in my youth of being told to be perfect like a little porcelain doll on the shelf and damnit, I’m not. You aren’t, I’m not, no one is so everyone who demands that shit from me can back the fuck off right now. Leave. Me. The HELL. Alone. If I’m not good enough just as I am, get the fuck away from me. Stop trying to change me. I want people to stop trying to mold me into an ideal of what they think I should be or what they WISHED they could have been. My life, my way.
IF I ask for help, that’s one thing but this bullshit “you need to change this and this and this and that and that and this and if only you did this, you’re such a pretty girl why don’t you wear this and have your hair like that and smile, smile, smile, smile and you’re so smart if only you would apply yourself you could be this and that and if only you would try for this or that you could have this or that....”
Bunch of fucking busy bodies. So up in my life thinking they know me when they don’t know the first damn thing about me.
So...if anyone out there thinks I’m not good enough? Suck it. I am good enough. Every day I get better. But I do that on my terms not how the rest of the country thinks I should get there.
I’m done. I will never again make the attempt or effort towards anyone again. The reward is apathy. Sweet, glorious apathy. When you don’t care, you don’t feel. When you don’t feel, it doesn’t matter. When it doesn’t matter, you are truly free.
I will only concentrate on me, my cat and making money. Every once in awhile, I’ll write something here. It won’t always be pretty or funny or clean. It won’t always be light and cheery and you won’t always agree with me. It will now be where I purge whatever the hell is going on in my mind that I’ve been keeping down so as not to upset society. Screw society. They don’t pay my way.
C’est la vie.
I’m done caring.
P.S. My mood is always subject to change because that’s how I roll. And yes, I know, a well known blogger uses that phrase but I’m using it as well because it’s good, I just got done reading her, it’s in my mind and it’s not like she invented it.
