Friday, October 15, 2010
Loser Convention
Currently there is a bonfire going on about a block or so from my house and all the losers have gathered ‘round. Since some of my co-workers live near me, they have invited other co-workers over so not only are the loser neighbors there but so are many of my loser co-workers.
I did not know any of this, (thank GOD for insulation and air conditioning to block out the sounds), until I opened my door to take the dogs out. The first thing I heard was:
“Blllleeeeaaaaaaaaaaaeeaeeeeah!” :::cackle, cackle, cackle::: :::drunk laughing at something that really isn’t that damn funny::: and more unintelligible bellowing: “Blllleeeeeaaaaaaeeeeaaaaaaahhh!”
Oh Jeezus Krist.
Sigh.
The only good thing that is coming out of this is that I’m teaching the dogs to continue to listen to my direction in spite of distractions.
Fire
Multitude of losers
Smashing of beer cans on the ground
Coughing from the hit of weed just taken
Drunk laughing
Drunk talking which is equivalent to screaming at the top of their lungs because they can’t hear themselves
Random shouts
Random loser walking around neighborhood, drunk
Loose dogs
High pitched laughter
Loud, loud shitty music
Bass turned up so high it sounds like automatic gun fire from a distance
Doors slamming
I have to work the dogs through all of that and get them to focus on me. Sakari did splendidly. Shasta got a bit distracted so I just started talking as loud as the losers.
“Come on Shasta, hurry up. No need to concentrate on the drunk fucking loser shits. They add nothing of value to society, they are drugged up, pilled out and high as a kite on coke. You will learn nothing from them except how to work harder to succeed. Hurry up, find your spot, hurry up. No, really, they are brain suckers and if you listen to them long enough, you’ll become a functioning vegetable, just like they are. You don’t want to be like that, Shasta, trust me. Your life will go nowhere. You’ll have nothing and be nothing. You’ll live pathetically and you will die pathetically, GOOD BOY! Good hurry up! Good dog! Now let’s finish up the business, find your spot. Keep looking, focus on the task at hand, find your spot, come on Shasta, I’m right here. You don’t want to even look over there because you’ll lose brain cells every single time you do. You need your brain cells Shasta unless you want to end up drinking like a fish every night and toking up, smoking crack and popping pills because you are too much of a pussy to handle reality so just concentrate on the task, hurry up, YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! See, we can scream really loud, too, Shasta but what good did it do? What was the accomplishment? Nothing except looking like a bunch of fucking morons. Now you see what those people are? Total morons. Why yes, Shasta, we ARE better than that. So hurry up.....alright! Good boy! See what happens when you don’t let the leeches suck you down? See what happens when you stay away from idiots? See what happens when you don’t listen to the insipid twits, you win Shasta. You, by taking this shit, have accomplished more than these fuck faces have accomplished all week. I’m proud of you, boy. Good boy. Let’s go home. Good dog.”
I wish I could secretly video tape this ridiculous event going on so that you all would get a real good idea of what I work with and what lives around me. The only thing that distinguishes this setting from the Jerry Springer show is that, at least thus far, no chairs have been thrown around.
I think my dogs could walk through a battle field without flinching now.
