Saturday, January 27, 2007
Message Received
Sometimes someone says something to you that you do know, deep down inside, but hearing it from someone else seems to make it clear--maybe because you have forgotten it along the way.
I have a very awesome, positive co-worker. Whenever I’m around this person, I am instantly energized because her energy is so positive. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, (something I’m not always good at doing but have been working on....really hard.) She is kind, naturally. She is just light...that’s the best way I can describe her. And it’s not like she has everything going perfectly in her life...hell, she’s fighting for her life...yet she is so positive in spite of that. Or maybe it’s because of that.
We started talking yesterday about all kinds of things...one of those situations where you don’t remember why you even started talking about things, you just did...and while she had a lot of wise words to say, she said one that I know...one that I have always known...but hearing it for some reason struck me as if I had just been jolted with electricity.
She said, “Never let anyone else define your self worth.”
This is something I’ve always known and I’ve told myself repeatedly. I’m not always successful with it. There are days when someone can say something to me and it can hurt me. There are days when someone does something that can cut me deeply. There are days when complete strangers can put a dent in my ego. I’m not a weak person...I have my weak moments. And there are days when I completely forget that no one gets to define my self worth except me.
Then, I read a site written by someone I’ve known for quite some time and oddly enough, she read almost the exact same thing today. What she read was, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That’s pretty much the same thing. And I’ve known this one for a long time as well. I had a boss one time give me a book to read. It was about management but what the book said was easily put in to real life. In that book, paraphrasing, it said that you cannot have a bad day and no one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to do that. You do not have to suffer another’s negative energy unless you let it.
I remember being accused, at one job, of “bringing the whole department down” every morning simply because I didn’t bounce in to work with a huge grin on my face and say, “Oh my Gosh! Good morning everyone!!! How are you all? I’m so thrilled to be here and see you all again!”
Hey, I’m not a morning person. It doesn’t mean I’m grumpy in the morning, it just means I’m still half asleep when I get to work. I’m still waking up. I do not bounce around in the morning. I do not act like a chipper little cheer leader in the morning. Hell, I don’t do that in the afternoon or evening either. I am friendly...but I’m not the type who says things like, “HI!!!!!!! Everyone!!!!!”
Anyway, I told my supervisor what I had learned many years before that from that book. I told her that I do not have the POWER to ruin anyone’s day. I am a person, not a god. That they were giving me a hell of a lot of power over their lives if my half asleep, dragged in backside that mumbles, “morning” when I come in to work can destroy some little girls’ day. And they really were girls. They were all in their 20s but they, mentally? Were extremely young.
My supervisor told me that I did indeed have that power. I reeled from the ridiculousness of that statement. I cannot control anyone’s feelings! What the hell is this lady smoking?
But then I went through 13 months of utter hell at another job. For over a year I dealt with two very angry, bitter, lonley people who lashed out at everyone and everything. They put people down all the time, mocking what they wore, their hair, what they said, getting all up in other’s business and gossiping like desperate hens such was their desire for some attention. They didn’t care if it was positive or negative...just as long as they got some attention. And they were rude. And they hated. And they really hated me. And they let me know it every single damn day I walked in there.
At first, I was completely oblivious to it because I was paying more attention to myself and my work than their issues. Over time, I became aware that they really, really did not like me. And I became aware of just how rude and cold they were. And then I allowed it to affect me. I allowed them to ruin my day more and more. I was fucking miserable in that job. I loathed getting up and going to work. I wanted out! I couldn’t see me doing that for much longer because I KNOW I’m more than that....but I still managed to let them get to me.
And that is not their fault. That was my fault. Sure, they are miserable old hags who couldn’t say something kind if their lives depended on it....but it was my fault that they got to me. And it started to affect my personal life as well. Other people were getting to me, too. People on the freeway, people in the store, people on the street....I LET them all affect me.
About a month ago, someone I really respect and like gave me some good advice. It was along the same lines. Three different ways of saying it but they are all saying the same thing. This person told me about the circles of control. The bigger circle is filled with things that you cannot control and should not expend so much energy trying to control them. The smaller circle inside is the circle filled with things you can control. Focus on that circle and in time, it gets bigger. You cannot control how other people react to you or how they feel about you...you can control only yourself. But the more control you have over yourself, the better things get in everything else. We teach people how to treat us. If we lose control of ourselves because we are so busy trying to control all that stuff we can’t control, we send a message to others. If we concentrate on ourselves, how others treat us will follow. Of course, there are always going to be people who treat others like crap all the time....but we do not have to give them the control over ourselves because we control ourselves. Not them.
A long time ago, the mother figure told me something: She said that there were 5 basic needs in a human’s life. Not the food, water, shelter needs but interior needs. One of them was control. We need control over our own lives....as much as we can control it. (When I say control I mean how we act and react to things...we don’t always get to control everything that happens to us...ie: accidents or meeting people...there is a difference.) She said that when someone has little to no control over their own lives, they will try to make up for that by trying to control others. She gave me an example: You are in the grocery store and you see a manager yelling at an employee in front of the entire store. She said that illustrates the lack of control the manager has in his own life. She said that by yelling at the employee in front of everyone, he is trying to show everyone how in control he is. What it actually shows; however, is how very little control that person actually has.
And you know what? I’ve noticed that she is very right. Whenever I deal with someone who is difficult, in time, I learn that their personal lives are a total mess. They have lost control over themselves. Every single time it has been spot on.
Anyway, I’m in a positive environment now and I’m relearning that others do not get to define my self worth and that no one can make me feel inferior without my consent. And I did it to myself. No one did that to me.
So, as each day progresses, I will remember that truth and it will sink in again and I am getting back to who I truly am. I think sometimes we have to go through garbage so that we become better people. I try to find a lesson in everything because I don’t believe things happen for no reason at all. Not everything that happens has to be bad. Sometimes things happen because they are good and are supposed to happen...we may not know that at the start...but they are good things. But I believe everything happens for a reason. And some of those times, we go through hell so that we can come out on the other side much, much stronger and much more aware of who we are, truly.
If we listen and pay attention.
