Wednesday, December 24, 2003
No, I Really DO Need A Car
Oh yes, another bus story. Now look, I’ve lived in a lot of different cities and I’ve experienced the weirdness on the bus in many of them but this town takes the cake.
Not only did I get the striptease as I wrote the other day but tonight, I had the bus driver ask me all sorts of personal questions. No big deal right? Just making small talk. After awhile he asked me:
Driver: Do you smoke?
Me: Smoke what?
Driver: (laughs) Do you smoke cigarettes?
The driver is trying to bum a smoke from me.
Driver: Are you in a hurry to get home?
Me: (What ever gave him that idea? Let’s see, we had discussed how I just got done working all day long and that I couldn’t wait to get home, get in my pajamas and have a drink....why no! Sitting on the side of a road, waiting while the bus driver soothes his nicotine fit sounds MUCH better!) Why?
Driver: I want to stop and have a smoke. You can join me. Do you have a smoke?
And he promptly stops the bus and has a smoke. Then of course, I got the obligatory drunk, strung out passenger who walked up to the bus for a ride.
We all climbed onto the bus and the drunk guy proceeded to sit as close to me as humanly possible, all the while vurping, (vomit burping), and I was deeply concerned that he would indeed, hurl all over me.
Drunk Guy: I’m fucked up.
Me: (no shit.)
Drunk Guy: I got a pass. Merry Christmas.
Me: That’s fantastic.
Drunk Guy: I did too much coke, I’m fucked up. You want my pass?
Me: (silent)
Drunk Guy: Where ya stayin’?
Me: With my brother.
Drunk Guy: Oh darn, I really like you. I know I can’t do nothing about it. Man, I drank too much. I’m fucked up. I got a pass. I can ride the bus whenever I want. I just try to help people.
Me: Mm-hmm.
Drunk Guy: Merry Christmas. You want my pass? I can ride the bus for free all the way till 11 tonight.
Me: Cool.
Drunk Guy: (does that drunk person exhale....right in my face.)
Me: (pulls bell, none too soon) See ya.
Drunk Guy: You want my pass? I just try to help.
Me: You keep it.
Bus Driver: Merry Christmas, you should work for Metro.
Fuck. I need a car.
I forgot to mention that while we were standing outside waiting for the driver to finish his cigarette, the drunk guy proceeded to walk to the other side of the bus and use the street for a bathroom. In the process, he managed to get it all over his bus pass......the one he kept trying to hand to me.
