Friday, February 16, 2007
Passport Policy Produces Problems
Oy Dios Mio! Why is nothing I try to do ever simple? WHY?
I have to get a passport for a trip I’m to be taking in early March. So I decided to check out the .gov website for my area to inform myself just exactly what I had to bring, how much I needed to spend, how I would pay for it, where I would get it, hours of operation, etc. I can’t stand being in line behind people who are unprepared, did not bother to look up or call for information and stand there complaining to the government worker as if yelling at them is going to change policy and procedure. All it does is make me wait in line that much longer while being irritated.
I do not want to be one of those people. So I do my homework before I head out to whatever government facility I need to endure that day.
I knew I would have to come in late to work because the hours of operation do not benefit anyone who actually has a job, except the government workers, so I cleared it with the boss and prepared myself last night with information and gathered up everything I needed for this morning’s “Adventures In Dealing With Government Workers” exercise.
I knew that I would be dealing with rush hour commuters in a part of town that is always heavily traveled, (and is the reason I hardly ever go there, I don’t care how popular it is), so I left the house a little early. I knew that although the government building was but a mere 5 miles away, it would take me at the very least, 1/2 hour to get there. Probably more.
Well. Traffic was worse than usual. And not just because of all the construction, I knew about that. It was worse because this city is having a boat show for four days and I did not remember that. My fault. I drove to the area of the government building and proceeded to look for parking. Well, because of the damn boat show, all the parking lots were full. So I circled and circled and drove and circled and drove and backtracked and drove and drove and got lost and where the fuck am I, I hate this part of town, it is not that damn special, the city lies to everyone, would you people please find the gas pedal and no it is not up your ass, now move, oh I think I recognize that street, hey I do, ok, now I know where I am and drove and drove and circled and circled and got annoyed and was about to say hell with the whole fucking vacation, I care not anymore, this is so not even worth it, oh look! Parking! Thank GOD!
So I parked, paid and walked to the government building. I was expecting some kind of line. My heart lightened when I saw a) very clear directional signs instructing me exactly where to go, no guessing at all, great job! and b) not one single person was in line. Oh joy of all joys!
I walked in and spoke to the lady behind the desk.
“Hi. I’m here to get a passport.”
“Ok”, she said and handed me an application. She then asked if I had an old passport and I told her I’d had one when I was 17 but who knows where that thing is now..I’ll just start over. No worries.
I then told her that I also needed to get photos and according to their website, I could do that with them as well. She confirmed that I had read correctly. (You see? Do your homework kids!) I quoted the website again to her by stating, “And it says I have to pay for these photos in cash, correct?” Again, she confirmed what I had read. Excellent. This is proceeding beautifully.
Then I asked, “May I also pay for the passport in cash?”
“No. You have to pay with check or money order.”
No way. The website said nothing about checks or money orders for passport processing payments. I don’t carry my checkbook with me because I only write checks to my landlord. Son of a bitch. Does this mean I have to fight all that traffic again to go home and get my frackin’ checkbook? Just when I was thinking how much this was going to suck, Government Lady took my mind off of that pain by opening another wound and making the situation suck even worse.
“When do you need the passport”, she asked airily.
“I am traveling March 11.”
“Oh! We can’t do that here!”
Excuse me?
“Um, your website says ‘expedition, 7-10 business days, add $60...’ “
“No. We can’t do it here. You have to go downtown. That’s not enough time for us.”
“But your website says....”
“Are you sure you were looking at our website?”
Ok, I know they have to ask that but it still grates my nerves when I get asked questions such as those. YES I know what damn website I was looking at, I’m not a moron! But, many people are morons and she’s never met me before so she naturally assumes that I am one, it’s not personal. But it still irritates me.
“Yes. I am positive I was looking at your website.”
“It’s not our website and we can’t do that here.”
“Maybe it shouldn’t be posted on the website then.”
“It’s not our website.”
SIGH!
“You work here, you can certainly contact someone to let them know that it needs to be changed, can you not?”
“Well, yes. I’ll tell my boss.”
“Moving forward, can I get my photos downtown?”
“No.”
It’s like pulling teeth I tell you.
“So can I get them here and THEN go downtown?”
“Oh sure!”
So I said I would like to get the photos taken, seeing as how I fought through all that crap this morning, make it worth something for crying out loud and I again asked her, “And I have to pay for the photos with cash, right?”
“Yes.”
“Ok, where is the nearest ATM?”
She points to the door and says, “It’s that way, about two and a half blocks down.”
I just LOVE it when people do that random pointing shit. Unless you are pointing at something really close to me, don’t even bother because I have no idea where the hell you are pointing...you could be pointing to the east or the north for all I know...put your finger away and give me street names! Or aisle numbers!
I told her that I will need to go there to get cash. So, I walked. And walked and walked and walked and walked and finally arrived at the bank. It was a Citibank. And it had one of those annoying touch screen ATMs. I put my card in and began the process.
ATM: “What language would you like to speak today?”
Er???
I touched the screen for English.
ATM: Bzzzt.
Me: English
ATM: Bzzzt
Me: English
ATM: Bzzzt
Me: Mother of Pearl, ENGLISH!
ATM: Ding!
Jeezus!
ATM: “Please enter your security code on the keypad and then press enter.”
Me: Entered security code and touched ‘enter’.
ATM: Bzzzt.
Me: Enter.
ATM: Bzzzt!
Me: Enter
ATM: Bzzzzt!
Give me a break.
Me: ENTER!
ATM: Ding!
ATM: “Would you like a balance statement before continuing?”
Me: No.
ATM: Bzzzt.
Me: NO!
ATM: Bzzzt
Douchebag!
Me:NO!!!!
ATM:Bzzt
Me and ATM: NO Bzzzt NOBzztNOBzzzztNOBzzztNOBzzzt NONONO!!!
ATM: Ding!
Me: You are NOT funny!
ATM: “Please enter the amount you wish to withdraw. I only have 20s.”
Me: $40 (they didn’t even give me the option to choose any lower.) Enter.
ATM: Bzzzt! Bitch!
Me: Hate! You! Enter.
ATM: Bzzzt! HAHAHAHAHAH!
Me: HATE! ENTER!
ATM: Bzzzzt! Fuck you!
Me: ENTER!
ATM: Bzzt!
Me: No, FUCK you! ENTER!
ATM: Bzzzt! Stupid human!
Me: YOU WELFARECRACKBABY! ENTER!
ATM: Ding! Spat money at me.
Me: Graarworrrllll!!!!
ATM: “Are you finished?”
Me: YES, WHORE!
ATM: Bzzzzzt!
Me: I will cut you! YES!
ATM: Bzzt!
Me: Bitch, let go of my account before I take you out to the parking lot and gut you! YES!!
ATM: Bzzzt!
Me: You see this face? NOT KIDDING! YES!
ATM: Oh..ok. Ding! Have a nice day!
Me: Shut the hell up!
I angrily pushed the door open and stormed off down the street. “Stupid piece of shit ATM..I will purposely NEVER bank at Citibank just because of that experience! Assholes!”
Walked, walked, walked, walked, walked. Arrived back at the government building.
“Oh there you are”, said Government Lady, cooing.
Grrrr!!
We set up to take the photos.
Snap!
“Hmmm”, she states.
SHE decides that she doesn’t really like the first one and thinks I can do better. The hell, already. I’m not modeling here! I’m taking a passport photo! NO ONE looks good in their passport photo! But she insists and I’m exhausted and relent. She took another shot.
“OH this is SO much better!!!!!”
Lovely. Can we go?
“That will be $12, cash, credit or debit.”
.............................
Hell. Fucking. No.
She did not just say those last three words. I just stared at her...blinking in disbelief.
“Go across the hall to pay the cashier.”
Seething hate.
I paid, came back, got my photos while she chatted on the phone with someone. I had to wait for her to finish the conversation about some personal issue of hers before she gave me the rest of my paperwork. Not amused, lady.
She then handed me the address to downtown and gave me a phone number to call. “Now, it’s a really long message so you’ll just have to listen to it all the way to the end and then you can make the appointment. And if they don’t give you an appointment soon, just keep calling back to get bumped up because they always have cancellations.”
Wow. That sounds like a lot of fun. I can’t wait to get started.
I got my stuff and walked out of the building, took four steps to the right towards my car....
And there’s a fucking ATM machine RIGHT there.
And she thinks I’m the moron. (She did pull up the website in front of me hoping to prove me wrong but there it was, in black and white, just as I had said. “Expedition, 7-10 business days, add $60...” I felt redeemed. Not that it got me anything.)
Got back to the car, fought with traffic some more and quickly realized that my day wasn’t nearly as bad as the poor lady in front of me. In a matter of four blocks, two huge SUVs almost collided in to her because they could not be bothered to turn their heads before changing lanes. You see it happen once, ok. You see it happen twice to the same vehicle in less than 2 minutes and you think, “Damn....that one’s having a rough day today.”
Got to work and jumped right on to the phone to schedule my appointment to get my passport. I listened to the really long message and was then put on hold for 5 minutes. Finally “Ryan” got on the phone, listened to my request, asked when the trip starts, I told him and hear this come out of Ryan’s mouth:
“Oh. You can’t schedule an appointment until Sunday, February 25th. You have to wait until it’s 14 days before your trip to do this.”
For God’s sake.
The whole morning? Pointless. I could have done the photos at some drug store on the weekend and not had to miss an hour of work. If a certain website had the correct information on it, I would have known that I would have to schedule an appointment to expedite BUT that I could not do that until a certain time frame AND that I would have to go downtown and would bring proper payment type.
But that’s our government for you.
Government Lady did state that I had the correct birth certificate, (they want ‘long form’), so at least there’s that. One less thing to worry about. Because 14 days before is not the time to tell me it’s not good enough. I would be escorted away in shiny metal bracelets in the back of a police car if that had happened.
Two hours of this mess and all I accomplished were two photos. I will need this vacation when this is all over.
(And should you be wondering, I did not get confirmed on this trip until yesterday. That is why I did not have a passport earlier. So don’t go there. You’ll join the ATM machine.)
