Sunday, March 04, 2007
Path Interrupted
So. My site was down for two days, (the outpouring of concern in form of the thousands of emails I received was hideously overwhelming...no, really, thank you), and it got me thinking. At first I thought maybe it was a server problem and waited patiently. It doesn’t take two days to fix a server problem for most hosting companies. So then I thought, maybe it’s time to pay the bill. I had already updated the billing information but maybe it didn’t take. So I updated it again and wrote to the company asking why my site was down and if it was a billing issue, why not send me something to let me know that.
Turns out they had shut down several sites to remove a certain page because of “referral spammers”. And they forgot to turn mine back on. Now, if this company hadn’t been as cool and helpful as they have been in the past, I’d probably get bent out of shape over that but their past performance and excellent customer service make me able to just blow this one off. But, all I can say to that is those spammers are taking the long way around things if they are trying to use my site to boost their rankings. Idiots. I get a nice collection of readers but I’m not getting the traffic that political blogs get or some mommy blogs. You would think one would take the time to research before launching on in to a project but I guess it’s just me who thinks that makes sense.
Anyway, when I thought it might be a billing problem, I actually considered not renewing. I thought about it off and on the entire two days and just could not come to a conclusion. I like to write, this is definitely a great place to vent but at the same time, I know that I have people who read this site that I really wish would just step away and forget about me. But, they don’t. And at times it makes me uncomfortable knowing that these people read this stuff. Further, because I actually know some of the people who read my site, I don’t always write what I want to write about. We can know a lot about our friends and we can have a pretty good idea what they think about almost everything but sometimes I just want to talk about things that I don’t want them reading. And sometimes it makes this not that fun. People always say, “Oh just write whatever you want...” but I think maybe they don’t fully understand why I or others don’t write “whatever”.
I don’t know.
But then that got me to thinking...."I wonder how long it would take some people to notice I’m gone.” See, I watch way too much CourtTV and it can bring thoughts like that to my head. We hear about the dedicated employee who is always on time, hardly ever calls in sick but if they do, they always call, they have 6000 friends and family members who talk to them every single day and if a day were to go by without any communication, they would know, for sure, something was wrong.
I wondered, “Do I have that in my life?” I do show up on time to work and if I’m sick I call in but would anyone at work think something happened to me or would they think I just up and quit? Would they even bother to try to find out or would they just assume and get the paperwork started with HR that I’m done there? What about my friends? How long would it take for them to notice? Some of them wouldn’t know for a very long time; weeks, perhaps. Some of them might start to wonder in a couple of days, one or two might actually notice in a day...but would they do something, check in, stop by, or would they just sit back and think to themselves, “Oh well, she must be busy” and just leave it at that until a week has gone by?
We always make excuses for everyone that they are busy. I understand that we have busy lives but no one is that busy. If a pattern is broken, it’s not always because the person is “busy”. It’s because something else is going on. It doesn’t always mean it’s because something happened to them, it could mean that they don’t want to talk to you or their email or phone is down or whatever. And I wonder why we seem to take each other for granted so much. I know that quite a few people in my life just assume that I will always be there. Don’t ever assume that. It would be one of your biggest mistakes if you care one iota about the friendship. I could go deeper in to that but I just don’t feel like it right now.
People assume far too much. I was taught not to assume. I was taught to think, “Well, all I know right now is that person is not (fill in the blank).” This is true. That is all I know. But I’m not one to just sit back with that and wait. I want to know, “why”. Sometimes it’s because the person had something else to do or was traveling or was just too lazy or just didn’t feel like talking to me or thinks maybe I’m not important enough to talk to that day. Sometimes it’s because the person has ongoing health problems and they have been in the hospital again, (I do know someone like this), or they don’t have the energy to write because of the health or they couldn’t pay their phone bill that month....whatever. The problem with an over active imagination like mine is that people like me start thinking all kinds of things. And none of them are so far fetched as to think they couldn’t possibly happen. I just don’t take any single person that I care about, for granted. I don’t think I always get that in return. And sometimes? That can hurt.
I’ve been having a hard week. I did finally find a new home for the kid kitten and at first I was happy about it. Before they came over to collect the kitten. I thought, “Fantastic! This kitten is going to have a great life and be spoiled.” Now, after the fact, I’m wondering if I did the right thing. I hope I did. But what if I didn’t? I’ve heard no word despite promises that I would.
Then I had to put another one down. He was an older cat, getting sick and getting worse. That was a very hard day for me. And there are times I still feel it punch me in the gut. I’m told I did the right thing but it doesn’t really help with the guilt that I must have failed somewhere along the way. I know we are not God and we don’t control life and that every one and everything will die one day....but it doesn’t stop me from trying to figure out if I could have done something better, sooner.
I realized this past week that my mourning wasn’t coming out in sadness or a lot of crying. It was coming out in anger. I’ve had enough of some people in this world. I’m sick of the jack ass who lays on his horn for 10 minutes every single weekday morning at 7am because he’s far too selfish and lazy to get out of his damn car and walk to the door of the person he is picking up and knock on it. No, instead he sits out there, in the street, honking over and over and over. I want to punch him.
I’ve had enough of the assholes on the road around here. I never, ever drive under the speed limit. Usually I am going 5-10 over. So get the hell out of my tail pipe! I know you’re back there, looming so closely to my vehicle does not make me think, “Oh, let me speed up for you”. I actually got a speeding ticket one time in my life because I DID think that and sped up to get out of the person’s way, trying to be nice. What did I get for that? A fucking speeding ticket from a motorcycle cop who didn’t give one hoot why I was speeding. So screw that. I will never do that again because do you think the bitch who was riding my ass stopped, got out and offered to pay for half of that ticket for being such a douche? No. She went on her merry little ass riding way. I’m not going under the speed limit and more often than not, I’m in the right hand lane. So get OFF my ASS!
And could you wait 2 seconds, seriously, 2 SECONDS after the light turns green for me to go before you slam your beefy, bitchy, impatient hand on your horn demanding I move immediately? I no longer have a car that has get up and go. Once I’m going it goes but starting out, it’s a little slow and gutless and I’m NOT sucking down a half tank of gas because YOU are too damn important to wait an entire two seconds for someone to get going. You want me to move out of your way faster? You buy me a faster car. If you are unwilling to do that? SHUT. THE FUCK. UP! Replace that irritating crap you have blaring out of your speakers and put in some classical music and calm the hell down.
And when the light is red? That means STOP! It is not a suggestion and you do not need to lay on your horn behind me because I had the audacity to STOP at a red light. I don’t care if it “just” turned red, it’s fucking RED! No I will NOT put myself in danger of being creamed on the road by traffic because YOU are too important to wait. Leave a little earlier if you are finding yourself always running behind. That’s NOT my problem. Shut. UP!
Further, no one, not one person, thinks you are cool for blasting your music. In fact, I think you quite the twit. Personally I think your music sucks and can’t believe you spent money on it but more importantly, how in the hell are you able to hear anything going on outside your car? You know, some people honk their horn because your stupid ass is about to hit them...how do you hear that? What about emergency vehicles? You might actually hear that siren and get the fuck out of the way early enough before they are up on your ass and talking to you over the loud speaker because you’re a fucking dolt who isn’t paying attention, you selfish cocksmoker!
The left lane? It’s for passing. It is not for sitting evenly with the cars in the other lanes. If you are not passing, get the hell over. You may drive as slowly as you wish as long as you do it in the right hand lane. And will you all please pick a speed and stick with it? And if there is a line of traffic merging on to the freeway or getting off the freeway, wait your damn turn. Get in at the end of the line like the rest of us. What makes you so gottdamned special that you have to cut us all off and cause the traffic to go even slower? The days the police are out there on the freeway on ramp, pulling you bitches over, I laugh and laugh and laugh. That’s what you get! If I could be guaranteed that job, every single day? I would so become a police officer. Now, on the flip side, if I come from a side street on to the one way that you are currently on, and that brings me to the line half way up, don’t turn in to a righteous prick and tell me to go to the end of the line. I CAN’T go to the end of the line asshole! It’s a one way street! The mere fact that I didn’t drive up to the front and shove my way in should tell you that I’m not trying to be an ass, I’m just getting in where the street led me. So stop being such a dick. And I’m certain that the people who live in those homes on that street thoroughly appreciate the fact that you laid on your horn for 10 minutes to prove your point to me. Point proven. You’re a selfish whore.
Work isn’t so bad except that I do hear some of the most ridiculous complaints. Most of the time it makes me laugh but I’m also starting to realize, (I guess I’ve been naive), that there are people out there who will make shit up in order to get a freebie. Or they will exaggerate an incident looking for a freebie. Or they will pick some random, asinine thing to complain about in order to get a freebie. I know there are people like that out there, I guess I didn’t realize the abundance of these types nor did I realize that they come in all disguises. It’s not just the scary guy on the street....these are “upstanding” citizens who do this crap. And they are old enough to know better. Sometimes it’s digusting what people will do for a freebie. Sickening. While I will not disclose the company I work for, I have mentioned I work for a cruise line. An example of some of the stupid things I hear:
“We didn’t get berries at every meal during our cruise. Our entire cruise was ruined and we want compensation.”
You want us to fork over thousands of dollars because you didn’t get fucking berries at every meal? If that ruins your entire cruise, you have much bigger issues that we cannot help you with. Perhaps a trip to a psychologist and volunteering for those less fortunate might wipe that crap out of your brain. Can’t you just be greatful that you were ON a cruise? There are people in this world who don’t have homes, food or BEDS! And you’re pissing and whining because you didn’t get your precious fucking berries with every single meal? Who the hell do you think you are? You selfish asshole!
I wish I could write that. I wish we could say things like that. I wish the world were as honest as that...but we have to candy coat it and make it all glossy; saying we understand their point....not that we’re giving them any money back but, hey, we understand. You know what? No. I do not understand that. I do not understand people who think that because we didn’t carry the fucking college football games on the satellite t.v. that their entire cruise was ruined. Why, that’s why they went on the cruise! How DARE we not provide them those programs! You idiots! You’re ON A FUCKING CRUISE! Enjoy it! Leave your work, your college sports, your favorite t.v. shows and your desire for berries at every single meal at HOME and just enjoy the cruise! DAMN! You’re on vacation! You’re seeing things that many people will never get to see. We’re spoiling and pampering the hell out of you as it is and all you want is more? It’s enough to make one scream.
To my neighbors: turn your fucking t.v. DOWN! I’m sick of you rattling my things around because you have it turned up to 43 every night from 8-11pm. I am not interested in the program you are watching. If you want to watch an action packed thriller and top volume, go watch it in the fucking movie theatre!
To my other neighbors across the street: You have children. They are pretty young. I know most people in this world think that those of us without children should shut up about raising children because what the hell do we know about anything? We don’t understand and until we have children, we have nothing to say. Well, except that I do. I don’t have to have children to know that it’s really, really fucking stupid to allow your children to still be running around screaming their fool heads off in the middle of the street at 9, 10, 11pm every single night. I know this. Why? Because it’s common sense. It is unsafe. They could get hit, kidnapped, beaten, killed, ruined for the rest of their lives and you don’t think there’s anything wrong with this because hey, you only turn your back for a second, right? Or are you even home? I’ve had that experience before so I don’t assume shit when it comes to little kids running around at night time in these parts anymore. No adult to be found...and you see nothing wrong with this. Here’s a good rule of thumb for kids the age your kids are: When the streetlights come on, the kids go inside. If you don’t care about them enough to ensure that they are safe, then STOP FUCKING HAVING THEM! Plus? The rest of us? Want to be able to go to sleep at a decent hour.
To the neighbor across the hallway: Will you please shut your dog up! Has it occurred to you to spend time with your dog so that he doesn’t yap all night in boredom and loneliness? I have NEVER seen you take that dog out for a walk. I have never seen you take that dog anywhere. It sits in that apartment, day in and day out, “Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap...” Why do I have to walk to your door and kick it to startle the dog in to shutting up? If you can’t take care of your pet, don’t get a pet!
And speaking of that....will you assholes PLEASE spay and neuter your pets? For the love of GOD already! I can’t tell you how many strays there are running around here. All because some crayon couldn’t be bothered to spay or neuter their cat. Or when I am dog sitting and I take the pooch to the offleash park, it floors me how many are not fixed. You selfish assholes. No, you do not need to breed them. You can’t even take care of the ones you have! And you should not be looking at your pet as a money bag. It’s a pet. We do not need any more pets. There are millions of them that need homes. Yes, I understand, Fluffy is just so cute and Spike is so funny! Well guess what? There is nothing special about your dog or cat. For every Fluffy and Spike there are 10,000 more that are just as cute if not cuter and just as funny if not funnier. Get your pet fixed! You do not need a tea cup dog, Paris Hilton! If you want a pet for an accessory, you should not have a pet. Period!
I need a vacation. I haven’t had a vacation in 6 1/2 years. Moving around the country and having spells of unemployment is not a vacation. Thankfully I have one coming up in a week. I will be gone for an entire week being pampered and catered to and not worry about a thing. And I’m looking forward to it. I need one. Because I’m right at the end of my rope in patience with so many people. I need a break from the rudeness and selfishness and lying and backstabbing and utter bullshit that I encounter every day. I need a break from reality.
I also need to move. Who ever knew that living on the beach would mean living in the ghetto? My building is nice and I love the beach; I love that I can walk to it and relax, enjoy the ocean, whenever I feel like it. I love the salty breeze and sea air. But unless I live 20 blocks north of here, in places I really can’t afford, I have to deal with ghetto trash. Loud, obnoxious neighbors, people who throw furniture and trash out wherever; make it someone elses problem, bring in rats and fleas, the traffic and the lack of parking are all getting under my skin. I can’t take it anymore. Thankfully I am moving. I am moving off the beach in to a nice, quiet neighborhood filled with people who care about their homes, yards and surrounding areas. I’ll still be close to the water, it just won’t be the ocean. I can drive to the ocean in about 10 minutes so that’s good....I will miss not being able to just get up and walk there but the place I’m moving is going to be like a slice of heaven. I cannot wait.
One can only take so much negativity in a day. One cannot survive very long dealing with negativity from 7am to 11pm every single day. It absolutely starts to wear on you. I’ve been doing it for two years. I need a vacation and I need to move. I’m doing that. And then I think I’ll start feeling a hell of a lot better, more relaxed, definitely more rested and rejuvinated. Then, when I do have to deal with idiots during the day, I will be able to better handle them because it’s not going to be constant, non stop, daily.
Just have to make it through this week for my vacation and then make it to the end of the month for my move. And I hope to God I don’t punch someone square in the face before then because I’m seriously at the end of what I can take. I’m exhausted.
And having just vented that all out, I think maybe I will keep this site around. Because, damn, that felt good to get out. I vent on here but in actual life? I stay silent much more often than I say anything. Surprise. I will let a little out from time to time but mostly I just keep my mouth shut. The repurcussions from venting to those who need to hear it in real life just makes things that much more exhausting. Because most people? Don’t care or are too stupid to realize that they are twits...or are so self absorbed that nothing you say will ever get through. So it’s not even worth it half the time.
Doesn’t stop me from imagining me shoving their face in to the concrete; no, I would never do that....sometimes it feels good, if only temporarily, to think about it though. But I don’t want to think like that. I’d prefer to be calm and relaxed and able to say, “Oh well”, (good advice from a fantastic person), and actually mean it. And that’s coming soon. Just have to hold on a little bit longer.
And then I will be able to mourn the loss of my cats and think clearly enough to know that maybe I did do the right thing after all. And then I’ll be able to move on in life towards better things. Almost there.
Sigh.
