Saturday, July 12, 2003
Policy Enclosed
(from an email 2 years ago) Reading material while you wait for me to recover fully:
Subject: New HR Policies Due to Cutbacks
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called, "Saturday and Sunday". You will need written permission from your manager or supervisor for each and every one of them.
VACATIONS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is completed and signed off by your manager.
OUT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes up again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy; normal-size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain an average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers or carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or any other type of input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Oh, and those of you good ol' boys with very expensive wives, please report to the Board of Directors for a new assignment.
-Management
<--- Here Endeth The Lesson
Posted by
Serenity at 04:40 AM
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