Friday, November 21, 2003
Revenge
My brother is listening to the worst, G-d awful radio station I’ve ever heard. So, because I’m now annoyed, I thought I’d write a little story about some of the fucktarded neighbors I used to have. (Thanks to The Monkey Boy Loves Cheese for the idea.)
I moved close to a college a few years back and I quickly realized the error of my decision. Despite the non-stop shrill, “hee hee hee”....oh no, this isn’t the cute, charming giggle, this is the, “I’m a stupid ass sorority bitch” laugh, our place was visited a few times one month by the most amazing girl in the world. I say amazing as in, amazingly dimwitted and clueless.
I had a dog and a backyard and often I would let my dog play in the backyard, as people who have dogs are wont to do. One of the things that used to slightly irritate me was that people would cut through our backyard, walk the side of the house to the front and then down the steps to the street because they were too damn lazy to walk around a half block to the street. Just another reason I started putting my dog in the backyard.
One day, (the dog was inside with me), I hear a knock at the door. My roommate answers it and this girl is standing there. She says, “I was cutting through your yard on my way to the road when I thought I’d stop by and ask if I can walk your dog.”
I’ll give you a moment to recover from the hearty and generous forehead smack.
First...while I appreciate your honesty about cutting through my yard, here’s an idea, STOP FUCKING DOING IT. The fact that she so freely admitted to it indicated she had no damn clue that it might not be alright.
Second...do I know you? No? Then WHAT would actually make you think I would let you walk my dog? WHAT!? How do I know you’ll bring her back? How do I know you won’t get her into a situation where she will get hurt? Most importantly, my dog has a list of commands she follows on a walk and you don’t know them! As you don’t understand this, nor the absurdity of your question, I realize you do not have the mental capacity TO walk my dog even if I DID know you.
My roommate, the little wuss, merely told her, “It’s not my dog. Sorry.” and closed the door. Damnit! Let me at her!
Guess what? Because my roommate didn’t tell it to her straight, the little wench came back about a week later. This time my female roommate answered the door. Same scenario. My female roommate knew me a lot better than my male roommate and told the girl it was not a good idea to go asking such a question. She also stated it wasn’t her dog but she knew that the owner would not go for this sort of thing. She was nicer than I would have been but it worked. The blaringly moronic cow never came back.
Of course, if it wasn’t the actual neighbors, I would also be aggravated nightly by their friends parking in my driveway every night.
This was when I worked at the bar and I would come home around 3 or 4am. Now, I had a 40 hour a week job at the same time so I was DAMN tired and the LAST thing I want to deal with at 4am is not being able to park in my own driveway because not one, but up to 3 dense asscows planted their vehicles there.
I ask you, at what point in your life do you look at someone’s DRIVEWAY and say to yourself, “Hey! I’ll park there tonight! I’m sure they won’t mind.” because I’m still astonished at this thought process to this very day.
The first time this happened, I called the towing company and asked them to come tow the cars out of my driveway. They asked me if there was a sign in my driveway. Really? Do I really need a sign in my driveway telling people this is PRIVATE PROPERTY?! Are people really this stupid?
Apparently so.
So that night, I had to find parking someplace else.....three blocks away from my OWN house that had a DRIVEWAY because some stupid fucktards used my space and apparently, the city just lets them do it. The idea of excusing people like this angers me to the very core of my existence. I have had it with whiners, assholes, thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate pricks getting to do what ever the hell they want to do because, “We don’t want to upset them and well, hey, ya didn’t have a sign.” Are we really a society that needs a fucking sign for every damn thing? What happened to common sense? Common courtesy? Way of the dodo I suspect.
ANYWAY, so I get my %$#@! sign and put it on the %$#@! fence next to my %$#@! driveway. THERE! Now, that should solve the problem. I walked back into my house, wiping my hands, a smug look crossing my face.
Went into work that night and promptly forgot about the whole thing. Until I pulled up to my house at 3:30am the next morning.
You must be shitting me. There were now 4 foreign cars in my driveway. Sigh....I looked to the sky for an answer to my question, “Why? Why, praytell, are people so incredibly, blazingly stupid? Why?” I left my car in the middle of the alley, went and got the phone and dialed the number to the towing company once again while standing in my driveway amongst the intruding cars.
“Do you have a sign?”
Yes...%$#@! I have a %$#@! sign now just get out here and tow these cars so I can park in my own fricken driveway and go to sleep! G-d!
TWO tow truck drivers came out. Well hey now, that’s more like it! The first car was quickly shackled up and hauled off. The second tow truck driver began his work. I stood out there, a glimmer of evil happiness in my eyes at the very thought of the owners of these vehicles coming out to see their precious automobiles were GONE! I didn’t have to wait long. Just as the second tow truck driver was finished and heading to his cab to drive off, a girl comes tearing down the alley screaming, “Noooooooooooooooo! That’s my caaaaaaaaaar!”
Tow truck driver told her, “You can pick it up when we open up in the morning.”
I’m standing there with the biggest smirk on my face I’ve ever possessed.
Dumbass Broad: “Well how much is it going to cost?”
The driver told her. It was well over $300 because it was an after hours pick up. Oh glory be, could this get any sweeter?
The hag looks to me as if I’m going to take care of it. I ask her, “What?” She cries to me, wanting to know why I would do this to her? Why would I do such a thing?
I said while pointing to my left, “See that sign? That is why. I came home after working hard all night with insensitive people such as yourself and find I can’t even park in my own driveway. I’m tired. I don’t care about your feelings as you didn’t seem to care about mine. That would be why. Any further questions?”
She stared at the sign. Then she looked back at me and protested, “But I was just up at my friend’s house, (she points), visiting! I was going to move my car tomorrow!”
I asked her, “Does the term, “private property” mean anything to you? It obviously didn’t earlier tonight but hopefully, after your $300 lesson today, you’ll have a tad more consideration for other people in this world. Have a pleasant night.” I then walked off and into my house while the tow truck driver pulled out, leaving the stupid bitch standing there, in the middle of my driveway with nothing but a $300 smack in the face.
I slept very well that night.
