Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Another Day Of Silence, Another Boring Post
It’s a new day and that means it’s time for a new post filled with mind numbingly boring, trivial crap that you all, apparently, have been asking for with your NON action.
“Oh but Serenity, there’s comments on your other post! Please stop the cruelty!”
No. I will not stop. Do you know why? Because most of those comments were by ME and the rest of the comments do not equal the amount of readers I get by any respectable percentage. So, I may only assume that you must have enjoyed my ATTENTION WHORE post filled with boring insights in to my life and, therefore, shall continue. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!
Thus far today I have done one more load of laundry. The hamper is now empty. Right now, I’m about to get up and get something to eat. But before I do this, I’d like to pose a question to all of you that was asked of me in the comments to my last post because it is a fine, fine question.
Really, when ARE mattresses NOT on sale?
Chew on that one, kids.
And if you missed out on the post and comments below because you are the type who only reads the top post because you are LAME as hell!!!!!!!, then I implore you to take some time to get to know the bored me, the ATTENTION WHORE me and some of my real friends who actually engaged in conversation. You know, because they are not rude and respond to someone when someone is speaking to them instead of acting all indifferent and uncaring and making the speaker feel as if they are talking to a brick wall or themselves or both.
Now, I’m off to get my lunch. Oh but I’ll be back. You thought yesterday was bad? HA! HA HA HA HA HA! Amateurs.
Update Yes, already! I’ve decided that I’m going to create a new category for these posts. It seems wrong to put them under “Personal” because while your DEAFENING silence feels personal, it’s not what I want to think about when I think about personal things. So, I think I’ll create the ATTENTION WHORE category. Or something to that effect. I have to eat first so I can think clearly. Please feel free to pretend I’m not here while I do this. And don’t give me any crap about how you are at work which means you are working because you people are full of shit. I’ll bet you’re on your Facebook account right now writing something really stupid or telling the world that you just cleaned your fish tank in FishWorld, as if anyone gives a shit. You COULD be spending your time productively on this site but apparently you find your stank Cafe much more entertaining. I’ll be back.
Update Thought I’d share a little insight. I buy parchment paper. Do you know why I buy parchment paper? So that when I’m making my lunch, I can wrap my sandwich and my pickles up in the paper to give the affect that I got my lunch at a Deli so it will taste better. Really. I have no other use for parchment paper. Alright, I have my lunch now and am back at the computer but I’m not speaking to you while I eat. Two can play this game.
Update In other news...estimated 200,000 dead in Haiti, 1.5 million homeless. Geeez...man. You know what else is sickening about disasters like this? The cold hearted assholes who don’t care about those who were affected, the people who scam off of those trying to donate help and the people who think we should not be helping out. Yes, we do have our share of homeless and starving, anyone who debates that is an idiot. The point is, before you open your gaping maw to say such nasty things, throw some money to both.
Update I’m done with my lunch, btw. I had a great business luncheon with the cats. We exchanged ideas, opened the floor for complaints and/or suggestions for improvements. They thanked me for their new piece of furniture. I thanked them for actually using it instead of me wasting all that money. It was very productive.
Update I had forgotten all about Johnson and Johnson’s “No More Tears” spray. I had to use it as a little kid because my hair was so fine and it worked well. I rediscovered it when I went to the store to pick up supplies. All this time, here I’ve been, yanking and pulling at the knots in my hair after driving air boats all day. Totally unnecessary. I spray some of the “No More Tears” detangler on my head and the brush goes right through. Plus it smells good. Wow, I’ve been plugging a lot of products lately and not getting a dime for it. I’m a giver like that. Would be nice if some of you would GIVE some comments up. But hey, that’s alright, keep giving me the cold shoulder. I got plenty of useless crap to talk about. I’ve been storing it up for years.
Update I just remembered I’m supposed to make a new category for these punishment posts. I’m thinking of calling them PAW...Punishing Attention Whore...yes, I like the sound of that. As in, I, the ATTENTION WHORE, am punishing you all. It’s like a super hero name...or villain...I’ll go with either because that’s how I roll. Now, I’m off to comment in my own comments section of my own blog because SOME PEOPLE are kind and considerate and have left me comments that demand my attention. See there? ATTENTION. Someone spoke to me and I’m going to give them the ATTENTION THEY DESERVE! Unlike some OTHER people I know.
update I’ve been using a laptop for almost a year now and I’m STILL not used to this tiny ass keyboard. Currently I’m watching someone drown on t.v. These two statements do not go together, no. You are absolutely right. But you know what? I care not. Not only will I write boring, I’m also going to dismiss transitions altogether! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Update A reader, (a reader who CARES, that is), has inspired me to branch off, periodically, in a new direction for these posts. Oh, no, I’m not going to go completely off the path...it will still be as dull as your mama’s face but it will add a slight twist to the whole thing. Now, you may be thinking, “A-ha! A twist! That sounds interesting! That means you have failed, Serenity because interesting is the opposite of boring! HA HA, we win!” Allow me to help you reach a new level of enlightenment. The twist is even more mundane than the main thoughts. You’ll soon see.
Update I wonder if I should put that candle over there or closer to that. Hmmm. I’m not sure those colors go well. Let me think on it for a moment.
Update Has anyone seen my car keys?
Update Forget the car keys. The cats probably have them. I’m going to go take a shower. Got some new products to try out. I’d tell you about them but I’m not so sure you all deserve that seeing as you’re NOT LISTENING ANYWAY.
Update Here’s something I’ve wanted to say for some time but always forget because it’s just never come up as a natural topic in my blog posts: Ladies...if you insist on wearing sandals or open toed shoes, for the love of GOD, pay attention to more than your damn nails. All I ever hear are ladies saying what a sin it is to walk around in sandals without painted nails...but they completely forget the rest of their feet. So, yah, you have nicely done nails but your feet are all fucked up, gnarled, dry, cracked and just fucking gross. I’d rather see smooth, soft well cared for feet with no nail polish than that shit some of you ladies are sportin’. Some of you have some ugly ass feet and should NEVER wear sandals EVER! Think of the children! I keep my feet covered, in shoes, THAT FIT and do not fuck up my feet so that some guy will think I’m cute and/or sexy, and my feet are soft and nice looking. If you insist on wearing shit that fucks up your feet, take those fucking things OFF the second you get home and start taking care of your poor feet so that the rest of us don’t vomit at the site of them when you choose to show them off in sandals again. There are these things called pumice stones or you can get special feet massaging wash and please, invest in some quality lotion. No, not that cheap ass watered down shit, QUALITY lotion...something that is heavy, creamy and rich. Seriously.
Update I somehow just cut myself. I’m not sure how the hell I did that since I have not been handling any knives or anything sharp. Very strange.
Update Sigh.
Update SIGH, I said.
Update So let me continue telling you about that whole cell phone story...the one I almost bought. At first, I went in to an actual store where they sell the phone and the plans. I walked in and waited while the snot hag behind the counter finished her personal phone call. There was no acknowledgment that I was a customer waiting to be helped, she just kept sitting there with the phone to her ear. I didn’t even hear her talking....just sitting there. With the phone. To her ear.
Eventually she put it down and said, “Yes?” Not, “Hi, how are you? Is there something I can help you with?” or, “Sorry that took so long” or “I’m such a shitty little bitch and have no customer service skills to speak of and I’m not clear as to why they keep me employed here but since I’m done listening to all of my messages on my cell phone and have nothing else to do, I guess I’ll see what you want. Why are you here?”
I asked her about the phone and a pay as you go plan. Her response? “Yes”. Ok, let me word this correctly. I said, “A couple of my co-workers have this phone but they have the $50 a month plan. I do not want the $50 a month plan because I don’t use the phone that much. Do you have a ‘pay as you go’ plan?”
Her: Yes.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: Ok, now, are there certain phones that are to be purchased with this plan or do all phones work with that plan? (I asked this because some companies operate just like this.)
Her: :::waving arm dismissively towards the phones::: You can get any of those.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: And in this ‘pay as you go plan’ is there an expiration date?
Her: You just repay when you use the time up.
Me: I understand that but is there an expiration date for that time/money I put down?
Her: You just pay when you run out.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
Me: Yes. Again. I understand that. My question IS, is there an expiration for that time/money I put down. Like, does it only last a year?
Her: You just put money on it when you run out. It’s pay as you go.
Someone fucking kill me.
Me: Yes, I GET that. What I’m ASKING is, say I put $30 on that phone. Say, at the end of a year, I’ve only used five of those dollars. Will that time/money expire? Say I don’t use that $30 for 10 years....will it still be there in ten years?
Her: Um..yah, you just put money on it when you run out and need more time.
Fucking! Forget it!
Me: Is there some contract or anything I can read to explain this?
Her: You don’t sign a contract.
Me: Do you have any literature to read?
Her: No.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
I then looked at the phones under the glass counter top and then looked at her while she stared at me looking at her and then looking at the phones again and then looking back at her. O. M. G.
Me: So....can I look at one of these phones?
Her: You have to come back when the guy is here.
Me: What guy?
Her: The guy that sells the phones. You can come back this time tomorrow.
I glance up at the clock. It’s almost 5pm. Is she saying that the “guy” will only be here “tomorrow” at this time or does he, perhaps, have a schedule that lasts for oh, say, at least 4 hours if not 8 hours tomorrow and that I can choose any time between this time and that time to show up? I say nothing but look back down at her waiting for more information.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: So you’re saying you cannot help me?
Her: You have to wait for the guy.
Me: You couldn’t have said that at the beginning?
Her: (shocked...she was actually shocked that I might expect some sort of helpful information!) ::staring, mouth open wide then utters a teen-age girl scoff/laugh:::
Me: Nevermind, fucking idiot.
(Yes, I did say that.)
So, couple that with looking around on the computer and having a moment to think, really think, just how much I use the phone and how I’ve done just find thus far without one and you can see why I am not getting a damn cell phone. The company should give her an award..perhaps “Employee of the Month” since she lost them a sale.
Update I was just cleaning the litter boxes, (again!), and I thought of something regarding the cell phone. The reason I was even remotely serious about looking at it was because it had a camera/video and web capabilities. See, my digital camera died and the one I want to replace it is really expensive and since I can’t seem to get my readers to come back, repeatedly in a day, I don’t have as many advertisers as I could have and make enough money to buy that camera which, in turn, would stimulate the economy, help a few people keep their jobs and I could snap fabulous and though provoking photos to put up on my site, I thought it would be a good alternative for the time being. I mean, some kind of photo is better than no photo at all, right? Besides, the sample photos seemed to be pretty decent quality. And, also, the web thingie.
See, I have to work again tomorrow which means that I will not be here all day to update my boring ATTENTION WHORE posts, (don’t think for a minute that you’re getting off the hook because I can still write a hell of a lot of useless shit in the three hours after I get home and before I go to bed....is all I’m sayin’...), because I can’t very well type on my laptop while driving an airboat. HOWEVER! With the phone, complete with Qwerty keyboard, (tiny though it may be), I could still actually punch out a few things during the day in between tours and kids, you have thus far been spared some really horrible shit because I have not had this ability. See, by the time I get home, I’m so mentally exhausted from the stupidity of it all that I close the doors, windows, curtains and blinds to block out the world in order to decompress and find some kind of sense again and when I do finally feel I have enough strength to continue on, I have forgotten much of what drove me to that state in the first place. But with a cell phone with keyboard and web access DURING THE DAY...it will make these past two posts look like child’s play. Remember my post about my co-workers making me stupid? That was just stuff I hadn’t blocked out. Imagine if I typed it all out in real time! You could live it WITH me!
So I’m going to rethink this whole phone thing again. But I think I’ll go to a different store because that stupid bint behind the counter at the one I went to will definitely get me in trouble. And we just don’t need no steenking trouble, now do we? No, we do not.
Update And, with all of that said, I’m again going to bed to continue reading, “Under The Dome” which is a fascinating story by none other than Stephen King, on my Kindle which is about the coolest damn gadget I’ve ever owned and again I’ll be popping the peanut M&Ms like a sloppy, drooling, trailer park trash pill popping drug addict until I pass out.
And I will be back tomorrow. And I’d damn well better have some comments to let out of moderation. And I may just try to figure out how to stop moderating comments so that you can all have conversations in the comments section when I’m not around.
Until then, kids....
Update Fooled you, I’m still here! I came back to bring you this breaking news...actually, let me do this correctly:
BREAKING NEWS: As of this moment, comments are no longer moderated. You do still have to fill in the captcha shit because I’m not down with spam but I am going to allow a free for all in the comments until someone fucks it all up for everyone. Do not disappoint me, kids.
