Friday, February 19, 2010
Continued
I was leaving a comment, replying to those of you who have written something but it got so long, I decided to just make it a new entry.
Boy I tell you, it’s amazing what a few words can do for a person. What I really wanted to do is just not going to happen and as I realize this, yes, I harbor some resentment. Resentment, anger and sorrow. Fucking assholes...what was their gottdamned problem?
But, after reading the comments, I’ve made a slight change in how I do things. It’s going to be hard for me but it’s a first step in many of the small steps I’ll have to take to accomplish what I wish to accomplish.
May sound silly to all of you but for me, it’s pretty big. See, I don’t like to owe money. I don’t like the feeling of knowing that someone can take something away from me if I don’t outright own it. And many times in this life I have not done the, “Pay yourself first” business when I’ve been paid but have paid everyone else, leaving me with little.
What has happened as a result is that when shit hits the fan, because I’ve paid everyone else and not myself, I’ve had nothing to fall back on. Granted, I’ve never been wealthy or anywhere near that playing field...hell, I haven’t even been in the stands as a spectator, and as I wrote, (actually, added to a list that I copied and pasted about what it is to be poor), there is no room for error when you don’t have money. There just isn’t. Everything is hard when you are poor. EVERYthing. And it’s downright exhausting.
Last night, I decided to count up all of my tips and the four checks I haven’t cashed yet as well as what I have in my bank account. It’s not a whole lot but it was enough for me to pay off my car, pay my insurance for the year and pay an extra amount on something else; something I’ve been working on to ensure that I’ll have a damn roof over my head always.
And I was very, very, very tempted to do it. Just plunk it all down and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Just my measly little satellite bills each month. What a great way to live!
Except...what if something happens? Or, what if I saved that money and put it towards getting THE HELL OUT OF HERE!?!?!
I was actually unsure what I wanted to do but I held off for the time being while I tried to make up my mind. Like I said, I hate, hate, hate owing money.
Then I come here and see these comments and while they are all rather encouraging, (God how nice that is to hear), I think it was physics geek’s comment that did it. Something about “something came along out of the blue and I ran screaming out the door” hit the right nerve.
I will indeed run screaming out the door when I leave here and I will be so fucking happy when I do, (provided I do it on MY terms and on MY initiation), but the only way I’m going to get there is to have some money to do it.
This isn’t the best time to be looking for something else but I can save up a big, fat chunk of change in the meantime and what I have now is one hell of a good start.
So, while normally it’s better to pay off your bills ahead of time, I think, in this situation, it’s worth it to continue to make the payments I have been making, (still giving them more than the minimum each month to apply it to that principle), and save the rest.
Because if there is one thing I’ve learned in this life, when you are ok financially, you have so many more options than you do when you are not ok financially. And one of those options is to tell them where to shove it. Knowing that I’ll have the money to leave when I’m ready will make things easier at work, as well. I won’t be so worried about getting canned or let go. I won’t have to worry about being homeless or starving again like I have gone through before in my early 20s.
That is something I never, ever wish to go through again. Which, coincidentally did teach me that of course I can make it through anything..I made it out of that shit from sheer will and determination and would not throw in the towel and cry about it. It sucked total ass but I worked hard to get out of it. Some of you know the story but I’m just going to do a quick recap for those who don’t.
I was in college. I had my GI Bill, Pell Grant and a little bit of money saved up to get me through it. (Money I had saved from serving in the military.) I lived in an apartment with a roommate. I did not have a car. I did not have cable television. We shared a house phone that was just a house phone and had none of the extras. We ate cheaply. My money went to rent, electricity, bus fare, food and school supplies. I was full on college mode because I wanted to do well.
My roommate and I got along. Unfortunately, she had some issue with a boyfriend and was advised by her psychiatrist to move away from him, (he lived near us), and perhaps go back home with her parents because I guess the relationship wasn’t healthy. Well, she did just that. The problem is, she left me with two days’ notice...meaning, two days before rent and all the bills were due. I could come up with my half but I sure as hell couldn’t come up with her half. I just didn’t have the money to do it. I had planned everything out according to having a roommate. And two days’ notice is not enough time to find a solution.
I ended up homeless.
But I still went to school.
After school I would knock on every business door in downtown Seattle and ask for a job. Every fucking one of them whether I was qualified or not. Very few places would even let me fill out an application. They just weren’t hiring.
I also went to every damn apartment building I could to try to find a place to live that I could afford.
After a few hours of doing that every day, I would then try to get my homework done before getting a few hours of sleep and starting all over again the next day. For three weeks I did this. Finally, the pieces started to fall in to place. Yes, of course, a couple of people helped me along the way but that was because they saw how damn hard I was working at it. They knew I wasn’t just sitting in a corner whining about my situation, they knew I was busting my ass to resolve the situation.
A very, very kind apartment manager helped me out by giving me “half off” my first month’s rent because it was a “summer special”. There was no fucking summer special. He just paid the other half of the rent for me. And he didn’t make me pay last or deposit. He trusted me.
And that was all I fucking needed. A break. Someone to believe in me.
Let me tell you what kind of shits the adoptives were in this situation: When I told them of the roommate leaving with only two days’ notice and asked for $500 to cover the rent and the electric, they refused. According to them, the entire situation was my fault. I chose that roommate, it was my fault. I didn’t have money saved up, it was my fault. Nevermind that the money I had saved up went right in to school, tuition, books, bus fare, registration, labs, etc, I was “irresponsible” and they considered me a fuck up. I had just served three years in the military but I’m a fuck up. Nice. I told them I was about to be homeless. They didn’t care.
Some years later, the maternal unit told me that she had been feeling guilty about that all these years. I told her to forget about it because I realized that I could make it through anything. I made it through that, for crying out loud. Oh how she thanked me. What I wanted to tell her was that her guilt didn’t fucking do me any good and that I now knew I could not rely on them to have my back for anything. If your own family won’t support you, who would, I thought, at the time.
But she was absolved of her guilt because I told her to forget about it, I realized how strong I am. Goody gumdrops for her. Whatever makes her happy. But it’s not something I’ll ever forget.
Anyway, yes, I made it through that but you know what? That fear of repeating it stays with you. You are always afraid that someone, somewhere is going to fuck things up for you and you will end up there again. It’s not a nice way to live. It’s even worse knowing you can’t ever go home again. Not that I would want to but to even know that you could has to help a little bit.
So, as long as I’m here, I’m just going to save. I’ve been overpaying on my car payments for some time but I think I’m going to slow down on that, not make quadruple payments every month like I have been and just save it. I may still owe on my car but I’ll have a savings building up so that no matter what happens, I should be ok. And it will take away some of that fear, when I have enough to live for a good year without work, (that’s the goal), and have an idea of where I’m going next and what I’m going to do.
But just getting the financial part in my favor is a big step. And then? Then I’ll start finding my way around this life again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have the money to open my own animal sanctuary. It takes a LOT of money to get them up and running and keep them going. And since they are non profit, you rely on the public and grants to help you along. Many have tried, many have failed. This is why I want to learn as much as I can about every little thing so that if I ever do get the opportunity, I can fix it my damn self and not have to rely on others to help me because, see, the lesson I’ve learned in this life is that while I can count on a few people here and there along the way, most people, as you all said, SUCK and you just can’t rely on them for anything.
But, that is my dream. A big piece of land, far away from assholes, where I am saving animals, making a difference and helping. I like animals more than I do people. I really don’t care who says that’s the wrong thing to say, it’s true. Animals don’t lie. They are very honest. All you need to know is how they operate. You could say the same thing for humans but humans are far too complex, phony and deceitful for me to ever figure out, in the general sense.
If I had an animal sanctuary, I think I would be a little lonely but I would also be too busy making a difference and be too happy with the beings I work with every day. And if I don’t like someone’s bullshit attitude? Guess what? BYE!
Now, I know some of you might say that I don’t need to know everything, I can hire people to know those things or recruit volunteers to know those things but at the same time that I realize what makes a good leader is one who listens to those who are in the trenches and takes all of their suggestions in to consideration, a good leader also has to have some idea about the topic at hand.
As an example: I don’t need to know how to build an airboat from scratch but it would be helpful if I knew the names of the parts, basically how they work, why there are there and simple fixes. It’s no less than when you own a car. You should know the basics so that you can do for yourself before taking it to a mechanic to get ripped off. You don’t have to know, completely, how to fix it but you should know the basics and have a general idea of what is going on when they say, “Your control arms and tie rods are broken.” The last thing you want to do is tilt your head to the side and say, “HUH?”
I want to know what the control arms and tie rods are, how they function and what they mean to the car. I can have someone else fix them, but I want to know why the hell they are fixing them and know that they actually need to be fixed.
Do you get what I’m saying?
Now, it’s going to be stressful for awhile because it’s not like I’m going to be able to pick up and leave tomorrow. This may take awhile. And it’s going to suck every damn day. And I may not be going straight to an animal sanctuary of my own right after that. The first step is to get what I can while I’m here and then plan the next step. Then the next one and the next one and the next one.
And yes, I’m going to be resentful for some time. I am not stupid, I know life isn’t easy and I know there are no guarantees, but I do know, that a little boost so many years ago would have made this far, far less exhausting, physically and mentally and I wouldn’t have to live in perpetual fear of amounting to nothing.
It’s sad, really because there is so much I want to do. But I know I’m in this, basically, on my own so I’m going to have to pick one that I can still do regardless of the fact that I’m older now. Age does indeed close many doors and eventually, I’ll accept that and move on.
Right now though, I just want to be pissed.
I’ll get over it...just let me be pissed for awhile.
