Tuesday, March 18, 2008
How Very White Of You
Every year it seems no less than three people will poke their heads back in to my life and try to apologize for what douche bags they were to me. “Hey, how ya doin’? Yah, I know I was a prick to you and I’m so sorry...so how’s life?”
I don’t want your fucking apology. I don’t need you to come back 1 year, 2 years, 5, 10, 15 years later to tell me how so very sorry you are for being an asshole to me. “I’m sorry I was mean to you”, “I’m sorry for the way we acted, we were not nice to you at all”, “I’m sorry for leaving you high and dry”, “I’m sorry I treated you like a toy doll and not a human being with real feelings”....take your apology and shove it up your ass. Your apology does nothing for me. The only thing your apology does is make yourself feel better about being a royal twatsicle.
This isn’t about holding on to any ill will or anger. This isn’t about me not forgiving. This is about the fact that once you’ve treated me like total shit, I close myself off to feeling a damn thing for you. I don’t even think about you. Until, that is, you decide you need to contact me after all this time even if just for a second to relieve yourself of whatever ridiculous guilt you might be feeling.
I don’t need your apology and I don’t care to hear how bad you feel about the whole thing. I don’t care to chit chat with you and I don’t care to share any of my life stories with you. I will be cordial enough but the reality is, when I say, “Yah, hope you’re doing great”, it’s a fucking lie. To be honest, I don’t care how you’re doing. I don’t care if your life is going well or swirling down the sewer.
What I did was feel horrible for awhile, find strength, pick myself up, work through it and move on. What I did not do was sit here and wait, hoping one day that you would come back and tell me that you were wrong. And frankly, it disgusts me that some think their apology makes my life so much better.
A lot of people say that life is too short and if we feel bad about something we did, we should tell the person that we’re sorry for it. I don’t agree with that. Do that person a favor if you feel that badly about it and you’re no longer in contact with them....leave them the fuck alone.
In the past 10 years, I’ve had more phone calls, emails and letters from people from recent to years ago who want to say “hi, sorry, hope you’re doing well” than I care to count. Blow me.
I don’t care if you’ve “grown” or seen the errors of your ways. I don’t care if you want to bury the hatchet and let by gones be by gones. I don’t care if you’ve been thinking about me and wondering how my life is, you’re just so curious how my life turned out...."I just gotta know, I’ve thought about you a lot and hoped things turned out really well for you”. I don’t care if you want to restart the friendship.
Your time to do all of that was when you knew me. Your time to do that was before you acted like a complete bitch. You had your time and it’s now over. I’ve moved on now you move on.
I find your apology and questions or “hopes” about/for my life incredibly insulting. You don’t give a fuck about anything but making yourself feel better. So, since so many people I’ve known in this life keep finding this blog, I’m going to say this to you: If you treated me like a piece of shit, read all the fuck you want but don’t bother to contact me. I do NOT want to hear from you.
Consider this your hatchet burying.
