Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It's One Or The Other
Ok, kids...go easy on me here, I’m just trying to flesh out what it is that is bothering me these days. I have just woken up, (my day off), and usually that is when I think most clearly and I think it’s one of two things going on.
Either I’m going through a mid-life crisis or, in all sincerity, my job is reminding me of everything I have hated and worked against in my life. Or maybe it’s both. What I do know is that it’s really starting to eat at me...I guess it could be depression, I am really not sure.
For example, just before I woke up, I was dreaming about myself being much younger. And as silly as this sounds, I was wearing a pair of dark, burgundy jeans that I used to own. I loved these pants. (Stick with me here, kids.) In the dream I was wearing those pants, rolled up at the hem because as with most pants, they were too long. I had on a black sweater and a black leather jacket, just like I always used to wear. I don’t recall what the hell I was doing in the dream but I remember as I was waking up, I thought, “What the hell happened to those pants? Where did they go? When did I get rid of them? I don’t remember shit.”
Symbolism, kids, in case you didn’t catch on. I’m sure you did, you are all pretty damn intelligent but I’m saying it anyway because I’m just kind of understanding some of this as I’m writing this.
Anyway, I woke up feeling...bleh. Like something was missing. And then it all kind of hit me. What the hell happened? This is not the course I set out for myself. And this is not the person I thought I would become.
You know, I sit here, often, and think that all I want to do is save up as much money as possible so that I can go buy some land somewhere, far away from people and just be left the fuck alone. And you know what? As much as I want that, as much as imagining it makes me happy, it also makes me incredibly sad. That is not the person I once was. What I used to be was the type of person who could not wait to get out there, meet as many people as possible, see as many things as I could, go as far as I could, explore the ends of the earth. I was full of adventure, would try many things, especially with higher risks, and basically embraced the world.
Now? Now all I want to do is hide from the world because the world actually pisses me off. A lot. Whereas I use to think, “Man, I can’t wait to go here, here and here and meet all those people”, all I can think now is, “You couldn’t pay me enough to visit your country because you are all fucking idiots!” I guess the travelers from those countries haven’t been the greatest ambassadors.
Nonetheless, there’s a feeling of something dying. Like...maybe my hope? Maybe my sense of adventure? Maybe the zest for life I once had? I’m not sure what it is but again, each time I think how great it would be to get the fuck away from people and not have to deal with them on a daily basis, it makes me feel tremendous loss and I’m not sure really how I would react after about a month of living that way. Is that really what I want?
Basically, I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore and what I want. I’ve always known who I was and what I wanted. I have no idea how to handle not knowing.
There is also the possibility that what is causing this is where I work. My co-workers are either dumber than a box of wet Depends or they are abusive. Verbally abusive, that is. I really have low tolerance for abusive people and I really do not wish to spend my time around abusive people. I’ve done enough, more than my share, in this lifetime. The sperm donor was physically abusive to the point that he was thrown in jail and I was adopted out. Lots of scars there, kids. Physical and emotional. Lots of work getting past that. A LOT of work getting past that. (And no, it doesn’t just magically disappear when you become an adult, you still have to work through that shit.)
And frankly, the adoptive units weren’t much better.
My abusive co-workers remind me of both of them; both sets that is. They care only about themselves, they do not want to see you succeed, they do not care what their actions do to you, if they feel shitty, they want to ensure that you feel shitty, they manipulate, back stab, gossip and do everything in their power to get people fired. Even their own friends! They bring in “friends” and then turn around and start talking shit about them to get them fired. WTF?!?!!?!
The boss....everyone here is a “fucking idiot”. If you do anything, make a mistake, you are a “fucking idiot”. And that is everyone here. Not one person here is immune to it no matter how far their tongue is up the boss’ ass. I’ve heard, several times in the almost three years I’ve been here, him calling people “fucking idiots” when they call in on the radio with a problem.
There you are, driving the boat, something mechanical happens while you’re out. You call in on the radio for assistance. Immediately the boss wants to know what that “fucking idiot” has done this time. Or sometimes we get stuck. We turn wrong, or the boat just plain ass doesn’t fucking turn, the wind pushes us up in to the grass, something. We are now stuck and need assistance. Jesus, you should hear this guy when that happens.
“Doesn’t that fucking idiot know how to drive an airboat?”
This past week has been very windy. VERY windy. Docking is a bitch in the wind. Every. single. person. has needed help at the dock. Every last one of them. Even the ones who claim that they have driven airboats their entire lives, have needed help. And every last one of them has completely and totally fucked up their docking in the wind. But the boss only gets upset with some of the people.
I had a boat last week and was coming in and has just about docked it perfectly despite the wind when a gust came up and fucked that all up for me. The boss was on the dock loading boats as they came in because there was a long line of people waiting. The right, front corner of my boat got caught up on the dock. If I had just a few more inches, maybe only 5 inches, I would have cleared it but again, the wind gusted right at the most inopportune time and I didn’t complete the turn.
But do I get understanding?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, what I get is a deep scowl and disgust from the boss. See, I’m just a fucking idiot who cannot drive an airboat.
All of this reminds me of life growing up. There was no room for error. You had to be perfect. You may think I’m being facetious but I’m really not. You HAD to be perfect. And to ensure perfection, there was a gottdamned rule for every little thing you did. From the time I woke up in the morning to the time I went to bed at night, there was a rule. Every action had a rule. And it was stringent, there was no room for artistic license, you would do it this way, every single day, day in, day out or you would pay for it.
And I mean every. little. thing you can think of.
Because you had to be perfect, the house had to be perfect, you had to look perfect and the only way to achieve that perfection is to follow a set of rules stricter than the Chinese government. At times, friends would come over and feel extremely uncomfortable in my house because of these rules. They also realized that the place didn’t look lived in at all. It was too clean, too shiny and there was nothing welcoming about it. Every room looked like a show room. And you damn well better keep it that way, right down to the glare of the freshly waxed floors.
If you made a mistake? It was enormous. There were no small mistakes. Every thing was blown out of proportion. You obviously were not trying very hard, you were being lazy and you were acting stupid. For that you must pay.
And I think about that every time my boss calls us “fucking idiots” for simple mistakes. There is no room for error at work. We must be perfect.
So, you throw all of this together and I’m completely lost. I do not appreciate being treated this way, I don’t tolerate the abuse and I did not work this fucking hard just to come right back to this sort of environment. But how the fuck do I get out of this? Can I actually hold on long enough to save up that money to get the fuck out? How much more of this shit can I take? And just how many more times will people try to sabotage my efforts TO get out of here? (Yes, sabotage...you really have no idea.)
I don’t like feeling like I’m fighting for my very own existence every single day. I’ve already been homeless once, I’ve already literally starved before, I do not want to go through that again. I cannot just tell them to fuck off and leave out of here. To do that would be to fuck myself over.
There is no encouragement here. There was no encouragement growing up. I always remember this during Olympic season. I enjoy watching the games but sometimes I think I shouldn’t watch them because of what they stir up.
I often wonder, while watching, just how far I could have gotten in this life with a little support. I didn’t ask for much. I asked for very little. And even those requests were not fitting with the regime so the answer was always, “no”. There was so much I wanted to do, learn and take part of when I was younger. These things were fun for me but the skills I would have gained, the lessons I would have learned, the confidence I would have gained, the leadership skills I would have been taught, the life lessons that I would have developed....all were denied because, you see, there is no future in those things.
I wanted to act, sing, play piano, take more computer courses, (yes, even that long ago, they were there for kids), ski, do gymnastics, be on the swim team, track, tap...the list was endless. And while I understand those things take money, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was, “You are not allowed to have fun, therefore, no.” I got to do some of those things on a small scale but I thirsted for more and was always told, “no”.
What the fuck kind of parent tells their kid, “NO” when they are aching to learn things? I was a very, very bored child. I lost myself in books. That was encouraged, thankfully, and that’s pretty much how I spent my years as a kid. When I was home, I’d read a book. What else was there for me to do? I wasn’t allowed to fucking go anywhere or learn anything or gain a new skill. I wasn’t allowed to explore and discover new talents.
No, maybe I wouldn’t have ever been a professional skiier, or gymnast or ice skater. Maybe I would have never been a professional singer, only maybe being a back up. But why the fuck would you deny someone the opportunity?
Because a) “things like that never happen to people like us” in other words, don’t even bother trying or b) you are too stupid.
And here we have come, full circle. I have been begging to learn the ins and outs of the mechanics of the airboat. Just as I was taught in the military how to fix my own car, I should know how to fix a small, minor problem on a boat. But we can’t have that because “you would all fuck it up”. Only certain people are allowed to learn certain things at work and most of us are not allowed to learn shit.
I want to learn how to change the oil.
No.
I want to learn what this part is, that part is, how to fix these things when they go wrong; ie, how to change a starter.
No.
I want to learn how to find the fuse that gets blown at times on rides.
No.
I want to learn how to fix it should the rudder stick break on tour. (And this HAS happened to people.)
No.
I want to learn how to fix this, that and the other.
No.
And it brings me right back to how I felt as a kid and always being told, “No.”
Who in their right fucking mind keeps someone from learning something? Especially when that education would only benefit them AND the company or the family? Who the fuck does that?
I am not a fucking idiot. I am smart. I pick things up quickly when I am allowed to learn them. Sometimes how fast I pick things up pisses people off and makes them feel all threatened but that’s not my problem. But I continually get held down.
No. Fucking idiot. You don’t need to learn these things. You have nothing to gain by learning these things.
Stupid girl.
So, you put all of this together and I feel like I’ve done nothing with my life. I feel like I’ve advanced nowhere. I feel like I’ve wasted all of these years because I’m right back in the same damn environment I fought so damn hard to get out of. And it doesn’t matter what the hell I do, doesn’t matter how many times I prove myself, doesn’t matter how many times I prove them wrong, that I am stronger than they think, smarter than they think and more capable than they think and that not every little gottdamned last thing has to be run ONE. CERTAIN. WAY. ONLY!!!!!!!, I am not allowed to grow.
I’m stifled.
And I don’t know how to get out of this right now.....but even bigger, I don’t even know where the fuck I want to go next. I really am not sure who the fuck I am anymore, as I said, and I am sick and fucking tired of people trying to hold me down, to keep me from being what I can be.
I’m sick and tired of the lack of support.
I’m sick and tired of people and their snotty attitudes.
And all of this really bothers me because this is not who I once was but it’s not because I’ve grown. It’s because I’ve been held back for so long by so many that I have noticed my drive, my hope, my desires are pretty much flaming out.
And that really, really bothers me. So much so, that it’s affecting my health. My eating habits have changed drastically, for the worse, I can’t fucking sleep anymore. I’m tossing and turning all night long, waking up at all hours, can’t get to sleep at night no matter how fucking tired I am, wake up too early, can’t get back to sleep, I’m exhausted all the time...I don’t even have the energy to do simple tasks. Even going to the store is something big. I’m fucking mentally exhausted and now I have to go out there and deal with more assholes? How about I just don’t have any food at all. Except I have to take care of the cats.
I have no desire to even go do anything. Part of that is because I’m trying to save up my money but part of it is also, I just don’t have the energy to deal with people. As much as I want to be the tourist for a change, I don’t want to deal with tourists.
And frankly, I’ve pretty much alienated my friends not because of anything they have done or I have done...I just don’t have it in me anymore. I’m that fucking tired. And I really can’t take one more excuse or one more let down. And that is much too demanding on them. It’s not their fault but they are the ones who bear the brunt of it. It’s not fair to them so I don’t even bother.
How fucked up is that?
Fuck, man, I don’t even know what the hell I want to do anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m totally and completely lost.
[Edit] If you read this far, thanks for listening. I don’t expect anyone would have any answers. I don’t really expect much...I just needed to get that out.
