Monday, August 09, 2010
Obviously Not Raised Right
So. Remember that redneck wedding, which, I guess we’ve now determined was more a White Trash wedding, that I attended in April? I mentioned that the bride was a co-worker and gave all the gory details about the experience.
I thought it was over. I thought I had done my part and life could move on. And I was wrong. Sorely! Mistaken!
Apparently, last week, lady boss, bride and another co-worker, (Hag Bitch), decided they were going to go out. They then decided to turn it in to a post bachelorette party for the bride since she never had one. They then decided that all the girls at work should attend. (This is 5 of us, total.) They then decided where we would go, when and who would be driving. Between the three of them, they made these plans without consulting anyone else first.
Come to find out, I was volunteered to drive these people all over creation for this party. Oh. How nice. Thanks for asking me if I wanted to do that. And then everything got stupid. Again. Naturally.
The plan was that we would go to a fish place, (the joy!), to eat and drink ourselves in to oblivion. It was to take place a week from inception. (That means, TODAY! Goody!) I walked in to the counter area and was informed of these plans and that HB would be riding with me, we would go to Bride’s house to pick her up, (since she has the day off), and then travel through shit rush hour traffic to a location about 45 minutes away from us, (really? there are no other restaurants closer? Really!?), to eat fish. (And it’s well known that I hate seafood. All of it.)
Because I try to keep some sort of peace at work, I don’t say too much, let a lot things go and just deal. I have to be there so many hours a week, you do what you have to do to just get through the fucking day sometimes, right?!
Because I was volunteered to drive, I decided that I’d better lay a few ground rules for my car.
Oh wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. I forgot to mention that one girl was not invited. I asked, “What about Marie?” (not her real name...do I really have to tell you that no one here gets a real name?) HB, who is a lying, manipulative, drama queen stated, “NO! She’s not invited!” I thought that was tacky and rude and that Marie’s feelings would definitely be hurt. Not cool. Apparently, after I pissed HB off, Marie was no longer the target, I was the target for all her issues and Marie was invited.
Ok, back to my ground rules.
Now I’m driving HB, Bride AND Marie to this place. No one asked me, I was just put in to that position. I really don’t like driving in rush hour traffic because people can’t drive for shit and I get irritated and usually do everything I can to avoid traffic and idiots. If I’m the passenger, well, usually I can be calmer about it because I don’t have to concentrate on 50,000 idiots all around me.
And concentrate I do. It only takes one good wreck in your life to change the way you look at people in other cars. So, I stated I had just a few requests for those who would be riding in my car.
1) They all smoke. I simply asked that they not all light up at the same time. That’s just gross.
2) Please do not bring any drugs in to my car. These three do drugs: pot, pills and rumors are some of them do coke. DO NOT bring drugs in to my car. The fuck if I’m going to get arrested for shit THEY do.
3) Please do not act insane and out of control in the car. (I was thinking more of after when we would be driving home and they would be tanked and stupid. I’ve seen how they act when sober, loud, obnoxious, out of control, I’ve seen HB when she’s drunk and it’s even worse. Multiply it by three people, plied with alcohol, I can only imagine the screaming, hollering and whoo-hooing going on in the car on the way home. I do not need to have any police officer looking at us twice.)
I made these requests a lot nicer than I’m saying them here. But I did stress that they were important and that if anyone could not adhere to those requests, I would not be driving them.
And the shit splattered right on through the fan.
HB, who is notorious for blowing things out of proportion decided to take it upon herself to get all offended, bitchy and completely twist everything I said so that she could lay down her victim card, YET again and tell everyone what a bitch I was.
My request that no drugs be present in my car was turned in to, “She says we’re smoking crack!”
My request that they don’t get out of control in my car turned in to, “Did you hear? We’re not allowed to have fun!”
My request that they not all smoke at the same time turned in to, “She’s going to leave us on the side of the road!”
Jeezus Fucking Keerist On A Bagel.
The following few days at work I came in, la, la, la, oblivious to the back stabbing that had taken place and was met with cold shoulders. Now, mind you, when I made these requests to all three people, all three stated, “Of course! I understand!” But apparently they did not understand and were highly offended. So they decided to talk shit and HB came up to me and said, “We’re all going with Bride.”
That was all she said.
GOOD! Then I don’t have to deal with a bunch of bullshit and maybe I can get out of this! (I really did not want to go. I really do not like these people...but I do get along to keep the peace at work. I just have no desire to hang out with these people during my off time.)
And I thought that was fine. I asked, “Oh. Ok, what made you decide that?” Curiosity. HB stated that they wanted to be able to smoke and that HB might be spending the night at Bride’s house that night anyway.
In my mind I thought, “Who the fuck said you couldn’t smoke?” but, you know what? I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t want to drive these hags around and this was an out. I would have, of course, but you volunteer me, I’m going to lay down some rules. IF they would have ASKED me if I would drive, I would have told them no and given my reasons why and that would have been fine but they did not do that now, did they? So, here they are, all fucking offended because they assumed that I would be their chauffeur and when I request that people behave themselves IN MY FUCKING CAR, they get all bent the fuck out of shape and start the bitch fest.
For days this went on. My God.
Finally I approached Bride and said, “I get the distinct feeling that you have been offended somehow.” See, up to this point, no one bothered to talk to me about it, you know, LIKE ADULTS do, they just wanted to piss and whine and make shit up behind my back. Because they are pathetic trash.
Bride pointed out the drugs thing and having a good time thing and I explained to her that I will say that to anyone I know who does drugs and gets in to my car. Don’t take it personal, I am trying to protect myself. You can do whatever you want anywhere else, I don’t care. I don’t care what anyone does as long as it does not affect me. The second it affects me or has the POTENTIAL to affect me, we will have issues. It’s a simple request. Please do not bring drugs in to my car. Why is that so difficult to understand why I would make such a request?
She said something about cocaine and that she was pissed that I implied she does cocaine. I laughed at her. I did. I then said, “I didn’t say you did cocaine. I never said that. I said no drugs in my car. I know, for a fact, that all three of you smoke pot. Whether you agree with it or not, pot is an illegal drug. I don’t want drugs in my car. How the leap was made from, ‘don’t bring drugs in to my car’ to ‘she said we all do cocaine’ is your issue, not mine. I never said that.
We discussed how if we were to get pulled over, I AM the one responsible for everything in my car because it’s my car, I’m the driver. I don’t need the fucking aggravation for shit I don’t do. Why even allow myself to be put in to that situation? Why not a little precaution? Just don’t bring drugs in my car. Easy.
So we talked it out and were fine. Ok.
By that time, HB had come out and I stated the same thing to her. She was all snotty and rude about the whole thing and claimed I was going to leave her on the side of the road for being out of control in my car. (Hmm...well, then, maybe I was fucking RIGHT to make that request since it appears she had every fucking intention of acting like a gottdamned idiot, then, wasn’t I? But HB is offended. What. The fuck. EVER!) She stated she wanted to be able to smoke. She wanted to be able to drink.
I told her I didn’t say no one could smoke, just please don’t all light up at the same time. I told her I didn’t say no one could drink. I said I would not be drinking since I’m driving. I don’t care if they poison themselves with alcohol, drink as much as you want. Who cares?
I explained to her the same thing I did to Bride but she still wanted to be all pissed off and put out so I said, rather forcefully, “Listen. I’ve explained this to you, you took it personally, you’ve turned it in to something it wasn’t, it’s not a big fucking deal, it was a simple request. I am not trying to offend anyone, I’ve discovered that you do feel offended and I’m now trying to tell you why I’ve made these requests. YOU are not special. This isn’t about YOU, personally. These are the exact same requests I would make to anyone who gets in my car if we are going out. If you want to continue to take it personally and be offended, I cannot help you.”
That was the end of that conversation.
Well that didn’t go over well with HB at all.
The next day, the German girl came back after her days off and she told me that the very first thing HB told her was, “OMG, you missed it all!!!!!” and told her about our little discussion. Of course, how HB saw it and not how it actually went down. (See, me and German girl actually get along because we talk to each other like adults and don’t back stab each other at every opportunity.)
So I rolled my eyes a bit and said to German girl that maybe I wouldn’t go to this stupid thing after all because while HB may get away with a lot at work, (again, some battles just aren’t worth fighting and you do what you can to keep some sort of peace), outside of work, that’s a WHOLE FUCKING DIFFERENT STORY. See, HB does NOT get to talk to me like that outside of work. HB thinks she knows me but she doesn’t know one fucking thing about me. She sees what I show her at work. She does not know me. And truthfully, that bitch would have me up in her fucking shit face and setting things absolutely right if she spoke to me outside of work the way she does to me at work. She would not even bother to open her fucking pie hole about me.
Then I heard from German girl that HB was telling everyone I was going to look like shit. She assumed that I was going to wear crappy clothes while the rest of them got all dressed up. The bitch has never seen me outside of work except for the wedding. She’s only ever seen me wearing work clothes. It’s not even that she made that assumption based on anything, she’s just trying to make this some sort of attack before we go.
Then I started to realize what the fuck she was doing. Again, she likes to manipulate and I know exactly what the fucking bitch is doing. She’s trying to push me OUT of this party so that all the other girls will go, talk shit about me and then have their inside jokes at work for a few months and keep pushing me out of their “circle”. To make me look bad.
Well then. I won’t give that fucking cunt the fucking pleasure. I’m going to go. And I’m going to act exactly how I always act outside of work and one bullshit word or smart ass comment from her, I will ACT exactly how I act towards ANY BODY outside of work who talks to me like that.
But first, I decided to fuck with her a bit.
German girl was standing next to me yesterday behind the counter while HB and Bride were at the registers. I told German girl, “Watch this.”
I waited a moment.
I then walked up to HB and Bride and said, “So. This fish place...is it fancy or what?”
HB said it was like a casual place, they were going to wear jeans.
I said, “OH GOOD! So that means I can wear these pants there. Awesome!” (Indicating my work pants.)
I stepped back and watched their facial twitches.
German girl is trying hard to hold back the smirk.
I then said, (we are still standing behind HB and Bride), loudly, “Hey, German girl. Do you have a brown marker?”
German girl said, “I think so, why?”
Me: “Because the tennis shoes I’m going to wear tomorrow are a little scuffed on the brown part and since we’re going out, to a restaurant and all, I figured maybe I’d better fill in those scuff marks to match the rest of the brown on the shoes. You know, to look nice. I can’t wear other shoes because these tennis shoes match my work pants and I want to look good.”
German girl is now about ready to split from laughter so she holds her coffee cup up to her mouth trying to hide behind it.
I keep a straight face and look right at HB.
HB is looking at me out of the corner of her eye, eyes darting back and forth to Bride and then to me. I can tell she wants to say something but she is too chicken shit to do so. I proceed to stand there for a good 5 minutes and let her fucking squirm. It’s KILLING her not to say something shitty about me to Bride but she can’t say it while I’m there. I can see it.
I continue to stare at her. She is hating it that I’m still there. Holy shit she wants to talk!
Finally I say, “Cool. Yah, that’s good. Great, I have my outfit all picked out. Now I can concentrate on other things.” I then walk away so that HB can spew her verbal diarrhea before she explodes.
Later, Bride comes out and I tell her, “Listen, I respect you. I’m not going to wear shit clothes. I’m not going to embarrass you. Just so that you know, I went out and bought a new pair of pants and shoes for this, last week, because I do have respect for you. HB is going around telling people I’m going to look like a trash bag so I’m fucking with her right now. Just let me fuck with her. You saw me at your wedding. Did I look like shit at your wedding? Right, because I do respect you. I’m going to this because I respect you. So don’t worry.”
Bride was relieved. She actually thought I was going to show up looking like shit after that display of fucking with HB.
And Bride also said she just wants us to have peace and a good time. I said, “That’s what this was supposed to be. I don’t know how it went from simple requests to this bullshit.” She said she hoped we could all just go and have a good time. I decided that, ok, put away my disgust of HB right now, go to this party, have a good time, behave myself when HB pisses me the fuck right off, and just get through this. For Bride. Because I do respect her. I like her. I wouldn’t hang out with her outside of work but I do like her as a co-worker.
So. I’ll behave.
BUT, as long as everyone kept their yaps shut that I was fucking with HB, she’s going to be damned surprised when I walk in that door. See, bitch, I clean up very well. I won’t say, “Fuck you”, but I’ll be thinking it.
I’ll let you know how it all went tomorrow. Or later tonight if I get home at a decent hour and it wasn’t boring.
