Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Puppy BootCamp Begins In Five Days
Finally, four more working days and then I get a vacation. At long last!!! It’s been over a year and this year, since I now have dogs, plans have changed. I will not be “going” anywhere. But I will be starting, “Puppy Bootcamp” because I have 216+ hours with these hoodlums and by GOD they will be trained by the end of it.
Some of the things they will be learning:
Come This means, come to me when I fricken call you already, for the love of God, get your doggy bootie over here!!!
Shake Because every dog should know this stupid trick. (If they are really smart, I may teach them how to say, “howdy” to go along with the shake when they meet new people.)
Sit Put your butt, on the ground, right now. (We are working on this and if it means they are about to get food or to go outside, they’ve mastered it. If the command is given for any other reason, suddenly they don’t speak English anymore.)
No As in, ‘no’ means ‘no’ and not, ‘I’ll think about it’.
Stay Even if a grasshopper jumps across the road in front of you, you fricken stay!
Learning To Respect My Things And The Things I Bought For You That Cost Me A Lot Of Money ie; indoor bathroom-thou shalt not rip up the sod at each corner and fling it around the entire house with glee.
Get Off The Couch You did not work hard for 8 hours, in the boiling sun that would result in a need to relax on the couch. Get your ass back on the floor. If you need something soft, get in your bed.
No Barking! Unless there is an intruder--a leaf blowing across the street is NOT an intruder.
Heel You are not a sled dog and I am never said, “mush”, so stop fucking pulling! (They may be a little young yet for this one but we’re going to try.)
I Am The Alpha You are not-you never have been and you never will be, I don’t care how cute you are, so give it a rest.
Again, You Are NOT The Alpha Pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move ON.
Cats When the cat smacks you across your nose, you deserved it, you do not get to bark at them in retaliation.
Wait Not “stay”, “wait”...for example, I go out the door first. You are to sit and wait, by the door, until I tell you, ‘ok’. Same with meal times. Sit and wait. I put the food dish on the floor, you sit and wait until I tell you, ‘ok’. I lead, not you. I decide when you eat, not you. I pay the bills around here, you just lounge around and fling grass all over my house. You don’t get to make the rules.
Settle Thine Self Do you realize what a spastic you look like right now? Have some fricken class and dignity. Today we are going to observe the cats. See how calm they are? Do they flail around like morons? No. Learn from them.
Treats You know, very well, what treats are but now you are beginning phase 2 of the treats training. Let’s say for example, that you do something right or good such as use your indoor bathroom and I am rewarding you. I congratulate you, throw you a ticker tape parade and then comes time for the treats. You must sit and wait, PATIENTLY, for the treats. I will bring the treat, in my hand, close to your noses but you do NOT get to sniff that treat, lick that treat or gobble that treat...you are to wait, PATIENTLY, until I say, “ok” and ONLY then may you take the treat, lightly and gracefully, from my hand. You do not get to snap it from my hand as if you’ve been starving for three weeks and gulp it down like a snake inhaling a rat.
Down It’s only cute when you’re puppies. Eventually people tire of dogs jumping on them so nok it off!
Sliding Glass Door This is glass. It is a solid. You cannot run through a solid glass door. Unless it breaks. It will break if you continue to hurl your body against it every time you see me come home. Sit and wait, PATIENTLY, for me to come inside.
Once they’ve mastered those, I will then work on teaching them how to sniff certain things out. Drugs, cadavers, cancer, you know.
Any other ideas I’ve not thought? Suggestions, assvice, comments?
