Even on blogs it seems that people only really like you if they think you are happy, happy, HAPPY all the time!  Tell jokes, write funny stories, share your adventures but don’t you DARE write about your human side.  You must keep up a facade.  It’s the only way.

Heaven forbid that you reveal anything about you that isn’t filled with sunshine and rainbows.

You know what?  I’m not always that happy.  In fact, most of the time, I’m pretty unhappy.  Oh I used to be happy.  I used to have enormous hopes and dreams when I was a little kid.  I used to think that I would see the entire world, I would meet all kinds of people, everyone would get along and be kind and generous and caring.  I couldn’t wait to become an adult so that I could get started on this wonderful thing called life.

In fact, one of my biggest dreams in the world when I was a little kid was that I would make it my goal to meet every single person on the face of the earth and tell them a joke or funny story.  Then they would all laugh and we would all get along and there would be no more threat of nuclear war.

Don’t harsh on my childhood dream.  I was a little kid and didn’t know any better. 

Then I became an adult.  And boy did I get smacked in the face with reality.  Hard.  I got smacked so hard that I’m still reeling from it.

Maybe I got some kind of a “dickhead” radar but I swear, I meet more of the worst there is to offer than I can stand sometimes.  And if I’m not meeting them, I’m reading about them.  I simply do not understand how people can treat other people as shitty as they do.  What is wrong with everyone? 

I’ve gone back and forth about whose fault it is.  Is it my fault for being so dumb and naive to think that we could all find something in common and get along as humans?  Or is it the fault of selfish, rude, insensitive pricks?  The plethora of selfish, rude insensitive pricks.  Maybe it’s a little of both.

I understand the reality is that far too many people are just stupid and that far too many people care only of themselves and what they can get.  But does it really make me wrong for hating that?

Hell, I don’t even know where I fit in this world.  I don’t have a clue.  What am I supposed to be doing?  What do I have to offer that someone else doesn’t offer better than I do?  Shit, man, I can’t even fucking settle on a place to live.  Everywhere I go, I feel out of place.  I feel like an outsider.  I do not understand that.

Being a military brat and then joining the military myself, I have moved so many fricken times in this life that one would think I would be able to fit in anywhere I went.  I mean, I should be an expert at it by now.  Truth is, all that taught me was how to keep minimal material objects, how to pack, not to be afraid to move, and be able to spark up short term friendships. 

Do you know, I do not have one single person in my life that I’ve known my entire life?  Not one single person.  Not one.  Must I spell it out for you?  I’m not talking about just friends or acquaintences, teachers or bosses, I mean there is not one fucking person on the face of this earth that I have known my entire life.

What I have discovered is that I have no damn clue how to keep a lasting relationship.  I don’t mean like a boyfriend, I mean any relationship.  I know enough to get me by for a year or two and then I am at a complete loss.  That may sound ridiculous to you but it’s probably because you have relationships that have lasted most or all of your life and it’s second nature to you.  It’s really easy to be an acquaintance, co-worker, friend for a year or two.

It’s very hard to be those things for longer if you have never done it before. 

I have one friend who comments here, Kristine whom I’ve known for about 12-13 years now.  The thing is, it’s been mostly through email and phone calls.  I think I’ve actually been with her in person a total of 3-4 times.  In thirteen years.  That’s just not the same thing as having a friend that you see often, in person.  As it’s easy to be a friend for a year or two, it’s also very easy to be a friend via email and phone.  Every so often, you write them a letter or call them on the phone.  You tell them of your latest drama, they share the events in their lives, and then one or the other sends a joke fwd a few times a year and there you have it.

It’s not the same as relating, face to face.  If you have a friend who lives in the same town as you and you only see them 3-4 times in 13 years, there’s something wrong.  Because that kind of friendship takes effort.  It takes work.  Most people will, at some point, get upset with their friend and it’s more difficult to deal with that in person than it is via email.

I was just thinking tonight that here I am, ready to move on again.  Granted, these neighbors of mine are some of the worst I’ve ever had as far as how evil and uncaring they are but it’s not just the neighborhood I’m leaving.  It’s the city.  Again, I just can’t seem to find the right place.  I can’t seem to find where I fit.

At least once every two weeks I get an incredible urge to just hop in the car with the cats and drive.  Just drive.  Then I’ll stop, eventually, live there for a year or two and do it again.  A lot of people call that, “running”.  I’m not running away so much as I’m running to......wherever.  Wherever the hell I fucking fit in this world.

I can’t find a city that fits me or that I fit in.  I can’t seem to find people I can be face to face friends with for long periods of time.  I have no damn family.  And sometimes, this makes me very unhappy.  Sometimes, feeling so out of place, feeling like I’m on the outside looking in, like in that scene in the story, “The Little Matchgirl” where she’s looking in the window of a big family, gathered around the table enjoying the warmth of the fire and the feast on the table as well as each other.  I feel exactly like that girl in that particular scene ALL the time.

That is an incredibly lonely feeling.  Hell, let’s be honest here, it’s painfully lonely.  Physically painfully lonely.  Sometimes, that kind of stuff makes me think, “Wow, I should just put a gun in my mouth and be done with it.” I’m not being facetious.

I remember a few years ago I was complaining on the blog about not being able to find my niche.  You know why I can’t find my niche?  Because I have no niche.  One of the good things about moving around all the time and meeting so many people, experiencing so many cultures and different ways of being, (and let’s just all admit that we may as well call the east coast and the west coast, two different cultures), is that you are shown so much.  And I have an interest in so much. 

The problem with having so many interests from so many places is that one cannot seem to find ONE thing to focus on.  Let me give you an example of what I mean:  I, at one time, thought I might like to work with animals.  (still do) I thought that maybe I should be a biologist.  Then I had to decide which animal I wanted to specialize in.  There’s so many and I also forgot about the ocean creatures so now I need to add to the curriculum, oceanography.  From there I started to get interested in the currents and tides and weather and then I thought I would study meteorology as well.  Then when all that was done I would then spend my time storm chasing.  And of course if I’m going to chase storms I have to get great photographs so I better take a course in photography as well.  Well, from photography comes other arts that I want to learn.  And woah, that photographer speaks some African language while he’s out on assignment, I need to learn a language!  But which one?  I can give you 10 different languages I want to learn, right off the top of my head without thinking about it.

See?  Who the fuck has the money or time for all of this?  But if I focus on one thing, will I sit in class thinking I should have taken that other course instead.  How much time and money will I waste because I can’t fucking settle on any ONE thing?  And since I do not have a family, I am doing this on my own which means I can only get so much schooling which means that I work wherever I can to make money to get to school but then things like car accidents happen and broken ankles and everything you work for gets wiped out and you have to fucking start all over again and Jesus Christ I have nothing to show for whatever education I have received and job experience I have because I haven’t worked anywhere long enough to make a big impression on anyone nor have I lived anywhere long enough to get to know people in the right places nor have I ever been able to finish the education that I’ve started nor will I ever be able to learn as much as I want to learn because of all of this.

I feel like I’ve just wasted my life.  Not because I’ve been sitting around on my ass but because I’ve worked my ever loving ass off and I still don’t fucking know where I fit or what ONE thing I want to focus on and I don’t have a big social circle.

And then, I come here to vent.  I vent about things I have no control over or things I have little control over.  But it makes me feel better to vent because in reality, what I’m doing is letting off steam and angst not necessarily from the article or situation but because overall, I feel like a total and complete fucking failure and seriously, what was the point?

I remember something someone said to me a few years back.  I wrote it here and many people didn’t like what this person said to me.  I didn’t like what this person said to me because it was highly insulting but there are times, I start to think, “Hmm.  Maybe she had a point.” A co-worker and I were having drinks one night and we got on to the subject of abortion.  (This was before I learned that you do not talk politics while drinking.) She knows my history and she actually said to me, “Having gone through everything you’ve gone through, wouldn’t it have been better if you had been aborted?”

Yah.  Sometimes, I actually think she has a point. 

Because sometimes, I just don’t feel there’s much a point to me. 

I’ve done nothing and I contribute nothing and I’m not popular anywhere and I don’t fit in and I have no niche in this world and none of this makes me feel good.  Kristine tells me all the time that everyone has a purpose.  I’m sure they do.  But like I said, I think I’m the little matchgirl on the outside looking in.  You are all living.  I’m just existing while I wait to live.

So, you know what, people?  Sometimes I don’t feel like smiling.  And sometimes I don’t feel like being happy or only saying happy things or telling cute little stories or pretending I’m not human.  I am human.  And I should be allowed to be human.  Excuse me that I talk about feelings.  Excuse me if you are uncomfortable with feelings.  It is what it is.  At least here.

And most importantly, sometimes I don’t feel like being quiet about it.

I’m sure the person who made that clear to me is right, that if I just stopped making so much damned noise, the world would really, really like me, but the world and that person can suck it.  And while you’re sucking it, for the love of GOD would you please stop telling me to smile.