Monday, November 01, 2004
Replying To Readers
Good Morning Kidlets....today I’ve reached into my “Bitter Asshole” Email bag and we have two new letters from a couple of my viewers. In the interest of time, I’m going to edit the letter and get right to the complaint. Here we go:
Letter #1:
"(No Salutation),
Why do you spell G-d like that? If you really had any faith in your religion you wouldn’t need to hide behind such phoniness.
Signed,
I Demand An Explanation"
Dear I Demand:
Oh My G-d! For the love of G-d, I had no idea that me spelling out G-d like G-d would make you so G-d damned crazy! What in G-d’s name will I ever do? Dear G-d, I can’t have readers upset with me! I mean, my G-d, even though I’ve already explained this in my G-d damned Archives, I guess you could not find the time to peruse them. G-d knows why you didn’t have the time but I guess that’s between you and G-d. G-d, do I really have to explain this again? You know what, G-d damnit? I’m not going to explain it again. G-d knows I don’t have time to hold your hand through this. Good G-d, get a life. I write a brilliant post and the only thing you can hone in on is that I spell G-d like G-d. My G-d, there’s a big world out there for you to explore. G-d knows it will do you some good to step away from the G-d damned computer and go embrace it so that you don’t find yourself writing such G-d damn ridiculous emails to someone about how they spell G-d. G-d Almighty I really hope this helps.
We appreciate your readership,
Serenity
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Letter #2:
"Dear Serenity,
You cuss way too much. I don’t like it and it’s not ladylike.
Signed,
Wally---the Beav’s brother"
Dear Wally:
Holy shit! No fucking way? I cuss too damn much? You can’t be fucking serious. Son of a bitch, what will I do? Jeezus H. Krist on a fucking pogo stick! So I guess whenever the fuck I feel the need to vent I should consult my “Leave It To Beaver” dictionary? Instead of, “That mother fucking cocksucking asshole hit my car!”, the Beav says I should say, “Golly gee, my car got wrecked. Well, good thing this will all be over in a half an hour and we’ll all forget about it on tomorrow’s show. Let’s go see what mom baked for us today.” Yah, if I wanted to sound like a Ritalin doped up prick I’d write like that. Look bitch, I’ll say the same thing to you that I’ve said to the other fucking whiners who have come here pissing and moaning and suffering some sort of crotch rot, you do not have to come here. What a fucking amazing solution to your troubles! If you see something here, like, say I typed out ‘cunt’, and it offends you, you are free, that’s right, in this free country, you are free to leave! Hot damn I love this place! In fact, I extend that invitation to all the dickweeds out there. And remember, I beg of thee, please DO let the door hit you square in the ass on your way out. I’m glad we had this little talk. I feel better already. I sure as fuck hope you do as well.
We appreciate your readership,
Serenity
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Thus ends “Bitter Asshole” Email for today. Remember kids, it does not pay to give a G-d damned flying fucknut what complete strangers think. In our next episode, we’ll be responding to the jackasses who like to write, “Wah” in comments as that fantastic insight, wisdom and sheer poetry simply must be addressed.
Till next time Kidlets (just for you Lune), stay safe, work hard and tell your neighbor to suck on a raw one if they don’t like how you conduct your life.
