Aren’t we supposed to make our decisions about a person based on who they are, what they have done, what they say, how they act and not the color of their skin?  If that’s what millions of Americans are doing, how is that racist? 

Therefore, one can only logically conclude that if, as they claim, I’m not voting for him simply because he’s black, then they must only be voting for him because he is black.

That sounds pretty fucking racist to me.

And they are showing their true colors.

When one deals with the public, one tends to meet some real morons and I’ve absolutely met a great number of them.  However, when I first started my current job, I was told by someone who has been here 20 years, “Some of the stupidest people in the world will walk right through those doors.” Having so many years of this industry under my belt, I figured I had a pretty good idea just how stupid people can be but I have to bow down and admit that I obscenely underestimated my co-worker’s claim.  I have come in contact with some of the dumbest fucking people on earth at this job.

By the way, Europe?  You really need to watch what you say about us “Murricans” because you have nothing to be proud of.  In fact, the few countries that have not embarrassed themselves over here are Ireland, England, Australia, (not part of Europe but included on the list anyway), Norway, Sweden and the Netherlands, specifically, Holland; pretty much in that order.  The rest of Europe?  It’s time you took a long, hard look in the mirror. 

Now.  As we all know, TS Fay came to Florida and apparently liked it so much, she decided to stick around for awhile.  Granted, the center of Fay moved towards the north, first to the east, now back towards the west but and this is a big, “but”, just because the center of the storm is north of here, that does not mean that we have cloudless skies and warm weather.  See, there’s these things in those types of storm called “arm bands” or “feeder bands” and those can reach hundreds of miles all around the center of the storm.  This is basic meteorology here.  You do not have to be a weather junkie such as myself to grasp this concept.  Nonetheless, this basic, 4th grade level science seems to escape many people.

So this week we are still getting whipping winds and rain because of Fay and her little arms and this week we are still getting ignorant fucks who get upset because of the weather.  I state again:  When you travel, one of the first things you should do is check the fucking weather in your location.  Turn on the television in your hotel room as you get ready for the day and watch.  You don’t need to speak English to understand the graph that shows the storm covering the entire state of Florida.  You don’t need to understand English to know that clouds with lightning strikes coming out of them on the 5 day forecast means, Hey!  It’s going to be fucking stormy today!

That did not stop one Russian asshole from grilling me about the weather, earlier this week.  First he was pissed because it was raining.  Then he was pissed because the seats on the boat were wet.  (Hello, because you see that water coming out of the sky?  Guess where that lands?  Guess.  It’s impossible for me to dry the seats of the boat because it’s fucking raining ass.  HOLE!  Then he wanted to know how long it had been raining.  I told him it was off and on throughout the day.  Well, then, he insisted on knowing the precise minutes between each break in the weather.  Dude.  Are you serious?

As we went along, he got more bitchy because it wasn’t perfect weather for him and his little family.  He was certain I was at fault for the weather and he was determined to take it out on me the entire tour.  At one point, aggravated with the conditions, he asked me, hotly, if I worked for the state.  What.  Are you going to write a letter to the state of Florida demanding that we shoo the clouds away when you visit?  No, I do not work for the state, this is a privately owned business but the Everglades themselves, the area we are in, the 4000 + square miles, that’s all National Park.  So, hmmm, I don’t know, maybe you can write a letter to GOD about the weather.  Bitch to God.  Or, if you don’t believe in God, piss and whine to Mother Nature. 

I just love it when ignorant pole lickers start pitching fits and throwing tantrums and acting all self righteous about shit they don’t know.  The two biggest complaints are about the weather and the alligators.  I control neither one but it’s interesting just how many people actually believe you do.  These people take it real personal if either of these two things are not to their liking. 

If they aren’t bitching about the rain, they’re bitching because it’s too hot.  Well, gee, you cheap bastards decided to come to the tropics in the summer.  Ever wonder why your airfare and hotel rooms seemed like such a deal?  NOW YOU KNOW!  Dolts.

And alligators, either they don’t see enough because are expecting gangs of alligators to be swimming around, (they are solitary animals and they are territorial....alligators do not travel in packs), or the alligators aren’t “doing anything” prompting many to conclude that they are “plastique” as the French love to say.  To which I turn off the boat and tell them I will wait for them while they get out of the boat, walk through the water and go pick up that fake alligator as a souvenir.  Oddly enough, no one takes me up on that offer.  The other thing they like to whine about is the size of the alligator. 

I had one asshole on the boat this week argue with me about a 3-4 foot alligator we saw on tour.  Instead of allowing everyone else to enjoy the sighting, he wanted to put a damper on it by stating, “That one is tiny.  He couldn’t hurt a thing.” I told him that indeed a 3-4 foot alligator could open him up like a filet knife.  He insisted I was joking, kidding, making it up, looking at me skeptically, it was bullshit, it wouldn’t hurt, blah blah blah. 

Really?  Ok.  Then I will sit here and wait while you get your know it all fat ass out of the boat and go wrestle that wimpy alligator.  Go ahead.  Again, I was not taken up on my offer.  Real impressed, stud.

So, to summarize:  If you don’t know what the fuck you are talking about, don’t argue with the person who does.  Second, do yourselves a favor and check the fucking weather before you go out.  If you have a miserable time, that’s nobody’s fault but your own.  Capisce, Sparky? 

As for Fay, where I live it really wasn’t a big deal.  Just another stormy day.  I enjoyed it, of course and we did get a day off of work this week, (hurray!) that we are not getting paid for (boo!) like other companies I’ve worked for around this town but it really didn’t do a thing around here except blow a few leaves around.  As for all the flooding.....it may look like a mess now but don’t go feeling too bad for the state of Florida.  We needed that storm.  We needed all that rain in a big way.  Not just for people to water their lawns but the lake needed it because that lake feeds much of the water in to the Everglades and the Everglades needed that water like you wouldn’t believe.  Florida Water Mismanagement cannot do this right so Nature needed to step in and take care of the issue.

We’ll see what happens in the next week as we have other areas of interest to look at in the Atlantic right now.  Frankly, I welcome more.  Even if it does mean I have to deal with more twitsicles.

By the way, the really, really crappy thing about this whole “lot of rain” business?  The fucking mosquitoes.  In fact, a couple of weeks before the storm and up until this time, the mosquitoes have been horrifying this year.  Some times, when on tour, no one is listening because they are too busy smacking each other to kill the mosquitoes.  Two times a week I have to clean an alligator pit and I am more anxious of the mosquitoes than a fricken pissed off alligator.

No, OFF!  Your shit doesn’t work.  Many times I have liberally doused myself in repellent and many times I have mosquitoes biting me and then buzzing in my ear to thank me for the complimentary drink before their meal.  I would tell you how many bites I have except I can’t count that high.

Does anyone out there have A- blood?  I may need a donation soon.

Here’s a conversation I imagine taking place earlier this morning between two tourists:

Tourist 1:  “Hey, there’s a tropical storm coming!  It might even turn in to a hurricane!”

Tourist 2:  “Oh no!  We should prepare!  What will we do?”

T1:  “GASP!  I know!  Let’s go on an airboat ride in the Everglades!”

T2:  “Great idea!”

Idiots.

Fucking idiots.  These are people who vote.

So, there’s a storm coming.  This morning the meteorologists weren’t sure if it would become a hurricane or not but were putting out all the warnings.  And bright and early, we had bus loads of tourists coming out to take tours.  Then bitching, pissing and moaning because they got wet and because they couldn’t see any alligators.

“Where are the alligators?!”

Oh, you mean those “stupid” animals?  Yah, they’re fucking hiding from the storm.  Dolts. 

One carload of idiots, when told there was a storm coming, hence why we were closing early, actually asked, “What storm?”

You see that big black box in the armoire in your hotel room?  That’s called a tel e vision.  It gives you news and information that you need to know in the area in which you are staying.  Like, say, what the weather may be like before you decide to go out on the fucking water in the middle of the wilderness during a fucking hurricane!  How do these people not constantly hurt themselves every day?

So far Fay has been a bust.  The reporters are all stationed at various beaches, we’ve had the obligatory showing of a puddle and a fallen palm frond, “It’s nasty out here!” And one asshole on t.v. keeps calling it “squally weather”.  Shut up.

Out where I live it has rained a bit but nothing more than I’m used to from living in Seattle.  The wind is next to nothing as well.  In fact, this just reminds me of winter in Seattle.  No big deal.  You can almost see the disappointment in the on location reporters’ faces.

Now, even though it hasn’t been that big of a deal, I will tell you I’d be one pissed off mofo if I was one of those who had to stay at work because pole smokers want to go to the movies or shop around in the retail stores.  If these assholes get a day off to go home and prepare, (that’s the point of the day off, not fuck around and make other people work harder), I want a day off, too.  But some poor slobs are stuck catering to others simply because their bosses suck ass and won’t let them leave.

I’m not saying that the storm is bad enough to have S. Fla come to a screeching halt, I’m saying, TS and hurricanes are kind of tricky and you know they’re coming, you just don’t always know exactly where, when and what magnitude.  That’s why most people get time off as it gets closer so they can get things in order beforehand just in case it does turn out to be one stormy little bitch.  Yet, still, after all this time, there are people out there who will not allow the hired help to get home and do just that because they care only about their fucking bottom line.  I mean, give me a break.  Even my boss is reluctant to close unless there is a damn good reason and we closed early today.

Anyway, if it gets any more interesting, I’ll come back and let you know.  Meanwhile, I’m going to go outside and have a beer.

update The winds have picked up a teensy bit.  Enough not to make me sorry I took the “screened in porch” (tent) down after all.  At first I was miffed because of the hard work.  Still, the storm isn’t all that bad as I still have internet and t.v.  (Both satellite.) Maybe during the night it will pick up.  Like I said, I’ll get crushed in my sleep by a tree...just as long as I’m smiling by God!

One of the smallest jabs we make at people but one of the things that irritates me to no end is when people say stupid ass shit like, “You should smile more”, “Smile!” “Keep that smile on your face.” “You have such a beautiful smile, you should show it more.” “Your smile is so infectious!”

Oh shut up. 

Do shut the hell up.

Ever see the movie, “Office Space?” “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.” Yah, that’s how stupid it sounds when you boneheads keep talking about smiling.

Most of the people who say that are people at work or people who come in to where I work.  (Like when I was a bartender.  There I was, washing the filth of the masses out of glasses so those assholes could drink more and some fuckwhip wants to come up and tell me, “Smile!” Do you fuckers smile when you’re doing the dishes?  No?  Piss off then.) First of all, I’ll smile when I bloody well have a reason to smile.  Just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean I’m the exact opposite; that I’m miserable.  And second, have some of you seen the sour pusses you’re toting around most of the day?

I hear this shit at work sometimes, “You need to smile more.”

Ok, first, look at yourself.  Because I do when you asses tell me to smile.  I look around and I don’t see shit eating grins plastered on my co-workers faces.  What’s the deal with always telling me to fucking smile?  Leave me alone.  Second, have you pole smokers bothered to notice that we live in the tropics and that in the summer time the blistering sun is about two feet from the surface of the earth and it’s blinding with or without sunglasses?  I’m not squinting because I’m upset, I’m squinting because my retinas are about to combust.

Again, just because someone isn’t smiling doesn’t mean shit.  When I think something is funny or amusing or smile worthy, I’ll fucking smile.  Until then, concentrate on that mug of your own.  In fact, why don’t you just concentrate on your own life altogether and stop getting all up in my business.  I’m not a fucking phony, ok?  I don’t go around wearing fake ass expressions on my face just to please your insecure self.  Get some counseling and get over yourselves.

Now, then.

I may or may not be smiling in the next two days.  I love wicked weather and part of me is looking forward to TS Fay while the other part is thinking, “Hmmm...considering where I live now, this may not be as fun as previous storms.  In fact, this could suck.”

The other day, I finally got the back yard cleaned up so that I could put up a decent size tent to sit in during the evenings.  This way, I could unwind after work, have an adult beverage or two, maybe invite a neighbor, shoot the shit and not lose 3 pints of blood in an hour to the mosquitos.  It’s my version of a screened in porch since I don’t have one and it can be really peaceful at the end of a long day.  Of course.  Of course I put it up not three days ago and now I have to pull it back down because of TS Fay.  Naturally.

So...the next few days ought to be interesting.  I have a lot of trees around me.  Right outside my bedroom.  Maybe one will crush me when I sleep.  Well, who cares, as long as they find me with a fucking smile on my face.

Ciao kids.

I want to know what you, the reading audience, wants me to blabber on about.  Do you want to know my opinion about any certain subject?  If so, leave a comment and I’ll do my best to do just that.  (Another great chance for the silent readers to speak up.)

Not that I think people really care much about my opinion, I’m certainly not egotistical enough to think people are DYING to know what I think about anything at all....nonetheless, if there is something you want to know or want me to carry on and on about, usually with little knowledge of what the hell I’m talking about, by all means, let me know.

Ciao

(By the way:  I just took this quiz about current events and I got all of the questions right. 

Here’s Your Score: You correctly answered 12 of the 12 possible questions along with approximately 3% of the public. You did better than 97% of the general public.

Only one question was I unsure, exactly, of the number but knew, generally, what it was and answered it correctly as well.  So, maybe I DO know a thing or two after all.  And I now know that I’m quite on spot when I go about stating that most people are completely ignorant fucks.  I now have some facts to back that up.  It sickens me that the national average is 48% and that the one question most got correct, nationally, was based on fucking television. 

I declare again, people are fucking stupid.  And these are the idiots who vote....for shitheels like the Obamessiah.  God help us all.)

Oh and while we are discussing the topic of my fatigue, might I also request that you not wake me up at 5am every. single. morning?  I know you need to play and explore and discover new things but I have two hours left to sleep and you keep me awake during that time only to go back to sleep the instant I have to get up and get ready for work.  That’s downright irritating.  For the love of GOD let me sleep until 7.

And also?  My head?  That’s not for resting yourselves upon nor is my back for climbing to reach aforementioned non resting area.  You are kittens.  You have the claws of Freddy Krueger.  They hurt.  Stop it.

Other than that and the exorbitant weekly food bill I suffer for you pigs, I adore everything else about you. 

Thank you.

~Serenity

As soon as I get my hair back out of some kitty claws, I’m going to bed. 

(In other news, the Miami Humane Society apparently got their new a/c unit for all the doggies and catties so all is well again...as far as THAT is concerned.  Don’t let that stop you from donating to a shelter in your area.  They need all the help they can get.)

Now, imagine wearing a fur coat in all of that, a fur coat you cannot remove.  And you have no air conditioning.  This is what the Humane Society of Miami is going through right now.  Unfortunately, their air conditioning system said, “Dudes, it’s too hot here, I’m leaving” and left hundreds of dogs and cats with no reprieve from the scorching temperatures.  They need help.  They need donations from the community so that they can get a new air conditioning system.  Right now they have fans set up and are leaving doors and windows open but it’s still HOT in there and the animals are having a rough go.

Kids, I don’t do many requests for donations but I’m begging you, all, to help out here.  Even if you don’t live in Miami, you can still help.  They are trying to raise $80,000 for a new system so that the dogs and cats can once again have something of comfort.  It’s bad enough these animals are sitting in cages wondering if they’re going to die or get adopted...why add more trauma to that experience?

I don’t care if you only have $5 to spare, donate it.  If you love animals, please, please go to their site:

Humane Society of Miami

and do what you can.  Even if they get the funds needed for the new system by the time you donate, you can still help out for kibbles and blankets and litter and other overhead costs for these animals.  And you can also help the Humane Society in your area or any animal shelter in your area.  Maybe you can’t adopt right now, but a little bit of money from many people goes a long way.

Trust me guys, I work in this heat all day long and it can be rough.  Please help.  Thanks kids.

(Thank you Amanda for letting me know.)

update The Humane Society of Miami has a Florida Animal Friend MySpace page.  Here are some facts from that page in case you are still deciding if you are going to donate:

At present, approximately 800,000 dogs and cats are killed each year due to overpopulation.

-> Every day in Florida, 2,191 homeless pets are killed.
-> Every hour in Florida, 91 homeless pets are killed.
-> In the minute it takes you to read this, 1.5 homeless pets will be killed.

Not only have I donated, I also had to renew my tags for my car and went ahead and got an “Animal Friend” license plate.  It absolutely costs more to renew with this license plate than it would with a common plate.  The proceeds, $25 extra dollars for the special plate and tags, go towards spaying and neutering programs here.  I can only do so much.  I’ve adopted two stray cats that people either dumped off or were born out here because people didn’t spay or neuter, I’ve got 4 kittens from the cat I rescued after someone dumped her off and I have a plethora of strays I’m currently feeding as I’m trying to win their trust so that I can either a) get the fixed and them bring them back out, (no one here minds them so much as they do that people are not getting their pets fixed) or b) for the youngest not quite feral cats, bring them to the Humane Society in hopes they get adopted.  I’m going through massive amounts of cat litter each week and one giant 20 pound bag of food every. single. week.  I am not rich.  If I can do this much, I know you guys can donate something.  Again, please help.

It’s NOT the animals’ faults. 

Nonetheless, I really, really want your opinions and would love to have a discussion about this particular topic:

Recently, a tour guide who brings “language” students from different countries, (I’ll avoid talking about, again, how these kids come here on mommy and daddy’s funds to learn English and have been here for 2-3 years and still don’t understand a word anyone says), was telling a co-worker and me about some rules enforced in other countries.  One of those rules was that teens were not allowed to travel in packs more than 5.  Their reasoning was that too many kids in a pack would cause chaos and violence and beat up little old ladies.

A co-worker agreed with that rule.

My argument was that it was too much like a nanny state and that really, they need to clearly think about it.  If it’s only 5 kids, they won’t beat up an old lady but if it’s 6 kids, well, the teetering see saw slams to the ground and now, because of ONE extra person, old ladies beware?  That it wouldn’t matter how many kids were all walking together, if they were hoodlums to begin with, a pair of them would beat up an old lady but if they were decent enough kids, it shouldn’t matter.  And what if you were having a birthday party?  You can only walk in groups of 5 and how far behind the first group can the second group walk?  I understand that some kids are completely undisciplined but should we really be punishing all kids because a few of them like to beat up old ladies?

Needless to say, my co-worker and tour guide did not like to hear all of that and were not angry but getting heated that I was “refusing” to understand how horrible kids really are.  Further, I know some malls in this country have that rule.

So I ask, in all seriousness, should all teens be punished to walk in groups of 5 or less because a few of them out there like to beat up old ladies?  Am I the only one who sees that as absurd?  Or am I wrong? 

I was a teen, too.  I did stupid shit, skipped school, passed notes in school instead of paying attention in class, stayed out later than my parents wanted me to and liked to pretend vomit for the traffic with the blue slurpees we got at the local drive in.....but did I beat up old ladies?  No, I did not and I did hang around more than 4 of my peers at a time. 

I’m going to do my best to leave this as the first entry for awhile because I know a) most people don’t read past the first entry regardless of how many I may have written in a day and b) I want to give time for those who read here once a week to have the chance to voice their opinion.

If you’ve been a silent reader, now is the time to speak up because I’m not just blabbing on about what I think, I want to know what you think.

What a condescending twat.  I cannot believe that people are still having orgasms over him.  The putz said, earlier this week, that all of us ignorant, trailer trash Americans, (not a quote...it was implied), need to learn how to speak different languages in order not to embarrass HIM and ourselves when we visit Europe.  He states that we go over to Europe and can’t speak a lick of their language.  HOWEVER!  Alllllllllllllllll of the Europeans who come here, DO speak English.  FURTHER, he states that those who come here to live will learn English.

Lying sack of shit! 

Osama, I extend an invitation to you.  You come here and take an air boat tour with me.  I triple. dog dare you.  I can’t tell you how many times I have taken a boat load of Europeans who don’t speak a lick of English.  My aching ass they all speak English.  They don’t understand a word anyone is saying and the counter people have to point to the display on the register so that these holy Europeans would know how much money they owed for a fucking Coke. 

AND, Mr. I Don’t Even Speak Spanish My Hypocritical Self Osama, have you ever spent any length of time in Miami?  Have you?  You think the immigrants will learn English?  Really?  What fantasy unicorn and lollipop planet are you living on?  You come down here and you spend one month in this city as a normal citizen and you will find out, very quickly, that thousands upon thousands in this city do not know any English even though they’ve been here for years.  Decades!

They don’t have to learn English because this city caters to them.  They require, in so many jobs, that one be bi-lingual.  Now, let me explain...er, let me do it in Spanish so as not to offend, let me ‘splain to you what that means, Osamamouthbreather.  That means that if you speak English as your native tongue, you damn well better learn some Spanish or you will not get that minimum wage job.  HOWEVER!  If you speak Spanish as your native language, then you’re good.  You do not have to learn English even though you are in the United States of America.  Bi-lingual goes ONE way.

I came here with an open mind.  I had learned some Spanish in high school and I was looking forward to brushing up on my Spanish speaking skills and was going to learn more.  But I’ll tell you what stopped me.  The arrogance!  The ARROGANCE of those who speak Spanish to those who do not.  The fuck with you, assholes?  You want to look down your nose at me because I do not speak Spanish yet you refuse to learn any English at all?  I’m the asshole?  Really!  After six months of that, I said fuck it to the Spanish.  I refuse to speak it and I refuse to learn more of it.  Is that what you meant, Osama?

Do I want to know another language?  Yes, out. of. interest.  Not because I’m forced to learn it.  When I lived in Germany I took two weeks of classes to learn enough to get around and then, as I met Germans, I had them teach me all kinds of words.  I wasn’t fluent but I was getting there.  Because I’m an ignorant asshole American who can only say, “Merci beaucoup”.  Right.  Now, in the 20 years since I’ve lived in Germany, I’ve not had to use that German one bit.  In the job I have now, I choose to speak what German I do remember not because I have to, remember, all Europeans speak English, but because it makes the Germans laugh and I get tips.  I am in the tourism industry.  Most people are not and do not have any reason to learn a speck of German.

And that’s another point.  I learned as much German as I did because I was in their country for three years.  OUT OF RESPECT, I tried to learn as much as I could about their language.  If I was only vacationing, I would not need to be fluent.  I will learn a little bit so that I can get around and have some basic idea of what is going on but why do I need to be fluent if I’m only there for a few days?

But people come here to live and refuse to learn the language because they have no respect for this country and yet I’m supposed to cater to them because Osama might be embarrassed.  Douche bag.

And, as Lucas pointed out, and is something I’ve said all along, has anyone bothered to compare the United States to one European country?  If I lived in Washington state and we all spoke English and I then decided to drive down to California, a mere 8 hours away, and they all spoke French, then of course I would have learned to speak French.  That is how it is in European countries.  Traveling to another European country is no different than us traveling to a different state.  The fact is, however, that all the states speak English so there is no need to be fluent in French or German or Spanish or Russian or Japanese.  In Europe, you go from Germany to France in less time than it takes to get from Washington to California and the countries speak totally different languages.

Do you get the point, Assama?

Now.  If I chose to live in another country, I would absolutely learn the language.  Of course!  But don’t give me that line of shit that Spanish speaking people come here and will learn it.  Many do.  Many do NOT.  And those who do not have an hysterical hissy fit about it if you can’t understand them!.  That would be like me choosing to live in France and refusing to learn French.  Nooooooooo.  I will speak English and look down my nose at you because you do not.

Osama is totally out of touch with reality.  Pandering asshole that he is, he’s just trying to win votes from those who chose to come here from other countries to live.  Is he that desperate for votes, is he that scared of losing that he would insult a population? 

I cannot believe some clowns still think he’s the next messiah.  Instead of groveling at his feet, “Oh, yes, Osama, you are right, we are the unwashed masses, we are so unworthy, we adore you!”, LISTEN to what this crayon is saying!  His ghetto wife already stated, a few months ago, that for the first time in her life, THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE, she was proud of America, and Osama is acting that out.

We are SCREWED if he wins and anyone who votes for him, I say, right now, FUCK YOU very much.