Monday, January 11, 2010
Sometimes The Stupidity Is Painful
As it should be.
Kids...seriously, people are stupid. Stupid. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!
First of all, it has been cold as hell here in Miami. It’s been in the 30s, low 30s and with wind chill added in, it feels like it’s in the upper teens to low 20s. That’s cold no matter where you live so don’t give me your sob stories of how it’s -89 degrees where you live.
The first part of our stupid people marathon is the fact that even though it’s 30 something degrees with a wind chill making it feel like upper teens to low 20s, and even though one of those days it was also raining, people still came out for airboat rides.
I’m not kidding.
“Oh I’m used to this type of weather.”
You fucking moron. Do you stand outside for an hour out in the freezing ass cold rain where you live? Do you hop on to a boat and speed around on open water where you live? Do you allow yourself to get soaked to the bone and remain outside for another 45 minutes with temperatures in the 30s, where you live?
NO! You do not. Use. Your fucking! brain! Gottdamnit!
But they came. And they laughed at us, all bundled up, scarves, 6 layers of clothing, gloves, face masks, hats, etc. Oh they thought it was the funniest damn thing they ever did see. Ok, mother fuckers. You think that’s funny? Just you wait.
On the tour they went, hysterically laughing at all of us “light weights” in Miami. Until we picked up speed.
See, not only was it in the 30s with freezing ass rain and wind making it feel like it was in the upper teens to low 20s, add in another 30mph to that from the airboat.
Oh! What’s that?!
You’re FREEZING! IT’S COLD?!?!?!?!?!?! THE HELL YOU SAY!
Once they got a taste of that wind blasting right in to their faces, they were no longer laughing. All they could do was sit as close to each other as possible and shiver the stupid out of them. But we weren’t done with them yet.
No, you don’t get to go back to your heated little vehicle just yet..you still have to sit outside for another half an hour to watch the show. Oh yes, you paid for it, you’re getting it. You didn’t want to listen to us, you wanted to piss, bitch and moan about your money, fine. Freeze you fucking tools.
And freeze they did.
Oh how we laughed.
And the next day, more idiots came out to try it all over again. And today, they’re probably going to do it again...thankfully I’m not there to watch them because I really, really cannot take it anymore. I really felt like punching them all in the face and asking, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
We even had one douche bag come in to the store, shivering, asking, I do not lie here, if it would be cold on the boat.
That’s the point I had to turn around and walk away. So this is what stupid looks like.
The second file in our stupidity marathon is brought to you by moronic fucks trying to stay warm inside their homes. Kids, a space heater costs what, $30, $40 dollars? Not too expensive. And why people act like Miami has never had a cold day before, EVER, (yearly we get at least a week), I’ll never understand.
So, space heaters are flying off the shelves, one store stated he sold 300 one day, 450 the next day, 200 something the following day..cha-ching! Good for him. (People might have thought to purchase one of these at any time of the year before it gets cold down here. Granted, it has not been THIS cold since forever but it does get cold here every single year to the point of needing some heat.)
But one family was too cheap, too fucking lazy to go get a space heater or plan ahead. So what did they do to keep warm? Why! They decided it would be a grand idea to bring the BBQ PIT INSIDE THEIR HOUSE and move it from room to room, lit, to keep the place warm.
GENIUS! SHEER BRILLIANCE! I wonder why no one has thought of THAT before!!
It must be a South American thing because I’ve heard of others who have done the same thing and destroyed kitchen ceilings in their rented homes. They’re lucky that’s all that happened.
Getting back to our genius family, you’ll never guess what happened! No, seriously, you’ll never guess!
Hey, how’d you guess? That’s right kids, they all got carbon monoxide poisoning from the fucking charcoal used to light the grill. And they proceeded to spread the toxic fumes all over the house when they kept moving the grill from room to room. They are all now in the hospital.
Well hot damn! That idea worked after all! They’re all warm and snug inside their hospital beds! There’s no need to throw away thirty hard earned dollars on a space heater! We’ll just put ourselves in the hospital and get free heat!
Finally, 3rd stop on our idiot fuck marathon, the dipshit who left a space heater in the “baby’s room” unattended. I wonder why my house caught on fire?!!!!
Kids...please feel free to smack the shit out of the next stupid person you encounter and tell ‘em it’s from me. It doesn’t matter where you live, they are everywhere and I just do not have the time to get to them all. In fact, let’s make this a new cause…
Slap the stupid out of people!
