Monday, May 12, 2008
There Are No Victimless Crimes
From the police blotter:
Date and time: On or around May 11, 2008 5:30pm
Victim: Serenity T. Cat
Incident: Attempted burglary and arson
Suspect: One black feline
Police have arrested a black, female feline in connection with a burglary and arson attempt at the residence of a Serenity T. Cat. The suspect was taken downtown and booked into the Cat County Jail. The incident occurred at approximately 5:30pm on the 11th of May, 2008. Several innocent victims were in their home when the suspect allegedly attempted to steal from them and set their house on fire.
One of the victim’s statements:
“I was sitting at my desk, playing computer games, when I noticed a peculiar smell. It smelled like electric or burning hair.
Next to my desk is the a/c unit and a fan that were both going so I decided to turn them off. I sniffed around seeing if that might be the source of the smell but again, couldn’t really decipher if it was. I decided to take the filter out of the a/c and clean it just for safety’s sake, (do this once a month anyway), and as I made my way out to the living room, I noticed the smell got stronger.
I said to myself, ‘Self! Where is it coming from? Is it my apartment? Someone else’s?’ I followed the scent into the kitchen where I discovered one of those fucking irritating, hate them with a passion, knobs on the gas stove turned on and the gas and flame going on a burner.
‘Tha hell’, I thought? ‘I didn’t turn that thing on! Do I have a ghost? How does a gas stove just turn itself on? I hate these damn things!’ I then quickly put two and two together, really before I consciously realized my thought and turned to look at the suspect who is notorious for trying to get into the trash.
She was sitting on the couch, staring at me, acting innocent. As I walked closer to her, the smell of burning hair grew stronger. I picked her up and investigated her. That cat’s underbelly fur was all singed up. I felt around and poked and prodded her to see if she yelped in pain and looked for burnt flesh but it appears all she did was singe a great portion of her fur. She said nothing to me, only stared. She tried to act like she had done nothing but the evidence was there. It’s so sad, really. I’ve known her for months and while her life has been rough, she’s been given a loving and caring home so it’s gut wrenching to see her turn to a life of crime.”
The investigation reveals that said cat, on the 11th of May, allegedly did jump up on to the gas stove to get to the garbage in order to steal from the victim. In the process of her burglaring, she set the gas stove alight and almost caught herself and the home on fire. The victim states that it’s a “damn good thing” she played hooky from work today as she wouldn’t have normally been home for another 4 hours.
Said cat was treated at the scene and released to authorities. As the officers hauled the suspect away, she was noted to have yelled out something about contacting the Rev. Jesse Jackson and something about a deck of race cards. Her trial begins on Monday.
