Thursday, February 24, 2005
We Don't Need No Steeeenking Explorers
Man....I thought I was going to throw up. I have Panda software to detect virus and adaware and spyware and that kind of thing, right? So, anyway, it will pop up every once in awhile and tell me, “Hey! This schmuck over here is doing something fishy! We suggest you stop it!” While rarely I will say, “Nah, I actually need those guys” more of often than not, it prompts me to say, “Get ‘em! Kick ‘em where it hurts! Ahahahahahahha!” with the click of a mouse and then sometimes, a restart of the computer.
So there I was today, minding my own business, tweaking things and whatever, as they say, when I get my little Panda bear coming up to me, all ready for battle.
Panda: You’se gots a load of punk ass adaware bitches trying to peek in...you want it I slice them to ribbons with my sharp claws?
Me: Hell yes Panda! Rip them to shreds and then insult their mothers!
----Two seconds later----
Panda: It’s done! You’ll need to restart your computer now.
Me: Right-O my good Panda.
And then I restart my computer. And I got a little error message smacking me in the face, “Hey! Dudette! What up with removing the “SHDOCVW.dll” file huh? Whatsamatta witchoo eh? I can’t open the explorer file now!”
That’s right. My computer starts up and I’m staring at my wallpaper and nothing else! Erm...what the hell did I just do? So, I restart my computer again. Same thing. Well shit. Now what do I do?
For those of you who are software geeks, goody for you. Yippee fucking skippee. I have done hardware, not software. So bite me that I didn’t know precisely the correct actions to take IMMEDIATELY.
I sat staring at my wallpaper when Panda came by again and said, “Hey! Wanna do a scan of the entire computer?” I thought, “Screw it, it needs it anyway and maybe everything will come back up when it’s over.”
I spent the next two hours waiting and tried not to get sick while Panda painstakingly went over my entire system with a fine toothed bamboo comb. I clung to hope that everything would resolve itself. Two hours passed, the system was scanned and I was back to my wallpaper and nothing else.
Son. Of. A. Bitch.
Panda popped up again and told me that my system protection status was “High” and gave me a few options to take. One of those options included a link that got me in the internet. I clicked it not expecting it to work. It worked. I was on the internet. OK!! There is hope once again in Serenityville. I started looking around, “installing shdocvw.dll”, “ok, people, thanks for the file but where the hell does it go for cripe’s sake”, “oh gee, that shit didn’t work, I still don’t have my desktop or tool bar which means I can’t access my control panel or search bar or add/remove programs so this is all actually rather useless”, “For the love of G-d will someone please tell me what the hell I do next?” “Hell no I’m not paying $19.99 for something that is probably really simple you freaking con artists”, “siiiiiiiiigh, I am so sick of people jumping to the ‘reinstall your entire OS’ as a means to solve all problems. I’m not going to reinstall my entire OS you dolts because I know it doesn’t require it”, and finally, “I can’t get to my control panel, this sucks ass”.
And that is where I found the solution. You see, if you EVER find yourself just staring at your wallpaper and cannot get to a damn thing else on your computer, all you have to do is click “Cntrl+Alt+Delete”, all at the same time and you will pull up your Task Manager. From your Task Manager you go to “File” and then “New Task (Run)” and type in the word, “Control” in the space provided. Click “Ok” and guess what happens? You get all your little desktop icons back, your tool bar back and you can now access your search bars, control panels, and everything else.
THEN YOU CAN FIX WHAT YOU DID WRONG!
Thankfully the person who wrote in asking a question about a bug when trying to access their control panel had the decency to explain exactly what he did, every single step, did not leave a thing out; assuming that everyone knew what he was talking about. I HATE people like that. Especially people who work on computers all day long.
So, I’m back in business now and I feel superior for having figured it out on my own. Meaning, not calling up some tech support line and shelling out big bucks when just doing a little research would find me the answer. Besides, doing it MYSELF is how I retain the knowledge. Kind of like driving....since people are mind bogglingly horrible at giving out directions to almost anything in life, if I drive my fricken self there? I’ll remember next time rather than trying to remember what someone said while giving their version of “good” directions.
Two lessons today kids:
#1: When you are giving directions...could be anything...driving, computers, games, bar mitzvahs...WHATever, you have got to keep it simple BUT you have GOT to include everything and not assume that the person knows the little steps. If you all do not start doing so, I swear I will start smacking you upside the head for being so g-ttdamned frustrating.
#2: Do not, under any circumstances, tell your anti-spyware-adaware-virus program to block your shdocvw.dll file. Further, even if you wouldn’t have normally done that because you never block things you aren’t sure about, pay closer attention next time Panda or Norton or whomever you have comes by raring to shed blood.
And the first person who comments, “I could have told you that” gets their ass banned because I don’t give a flying hornet’s asshole if you could have told me that. Again, whoopdefuckingdo for you. Again, I like to figure things out on my own or at least make a valiant effort to figure it out on my own. The stress and nausea and drama that goes with it is all part of the package that I want to go through if it means that I fixed it by myself.
