Friday, November 12, 2010
Well, Well, Well
How so very interesting. I doth believe that the hoodlums are starting to get it, even Sakari Hoodlum, the most stubborn dog on the planet.
And this is why humans are superior. We can outsmart the little shits. I decided that enough was enough, I was pulling out the big guns in their training. You wanna fuck wit me? Don’t make me go Robert De Niro on your ass!
Last night I went three places:
PetSmart
Grocery Store
Wally World (OMG!)
I started off at PetSmart to get more leashes. Reason? Because Sakari thought it would be hilarious to chew through the leashes I did have for them when I was tethering the hoodlums to me, in the house, to show them who’s boss. They did their week of silence, they learned how to behave in the crates, it was now time to let them out to be part of the family but, they still had to be tethered to me so that I could keep an eye on them at all times. And Sakari chewed through 4 different leashes.
Grrrrr!
I got replacement leashes for the ones she chomped through because I LIKED those leashes, thankyouverymuchassholedog! And then, I got chain leashes. HA! Let’s see you bite through that! HA! HA!
They are a little heavier as well so they know those leashes are on and they cannot get away with a thing because I can hear them drag across the floor if they take one step away from me. HA! HA! again! (By “tether”, I mean, because I have two hoodlums, one sits next to me while I’m on the computer and I have the handle of the leash tucked under me and the other hoodlum is sitting in the living room about 10 feet away where I can keep my eyeballs on them. However, sometimes I get engrossed in something I’m reading or doing and within a few seconds from the last time I looked at said hoodlum, I’ll hear chain dragging. Now I can correct them immediately. HA! HA! Thrice!)
Then, because I feed raw, I’ve been having a hard time finding treats for them that don’t contain a bunch of crap but PetSmart had a tub of 100% freeze dried beef liver treats. Nothing added. Nothing else in them. Just beef liver. Freeze dried. Perfect.
Well! Guess who the hell thinks I’m the King of the Universe now? That’s right, two certain hoodlums who suddenly CAN focus on me at all times on our walks. OH, so you DO know what the fuck, ‘come’ means, don’t you? Isn’t THAT interesting!
Now, these treats were a bit on the expensive side and they certainly will not last that long so I decided to venture off to Wally World, (ONLY because it’s close by to the pet store and I’d already had enough of the rush hour traffic.....groan), to find a food dehydrator so that I can make my own treats. I can dehydrate liver, chicken hearts, gizzards, pieces of beef or pork or whatever and have them handy. The organs cost so little in the store so it would save me a ton of money to do this myself.
Kids...Wally World is a very scary place, especially in this town. First of all, there must have been at least 500,000 people there last night. I got extremely lucky and found front door parking so at least I didn’t have to deal with the parking lot nightmare that much. (Total and complete luck, I tell you.) I went in and was immediately overwhelmed. I wanted to turn and run back out the door but, no, this is for the dogs and my pocketbook so buck up! Deal! Get what you need and GET! OUT!
I found the cooking department and scanned the shelves. No dehydrators. I went back, scanned again. Nothing. I went back and scanned again. No. Ok, I really want out of here and I know they have to have these damn things so I went to try to find help. Keep in mind, I live in Miami and people here seem to think that English is an insult so imagine the fun I have trying to find help.
I find one lady, ask her if she works in this area. She gestures, lamely, towards a bunch of plastic containers and mumbles something half Spanish and half English to which I understood to mean, “I’m stocking these shelves and I don’t want to deal with customers, plus my English not so good, plus I really don’t want to deal with customers, plus I’m totally fucking rude and unhelpful and I don’t know.”
I know this game.
I kept standing there and stared at her, saying nothing. What they are hoping for is for you to say, “Oh” or just give up and walk away. I don’t do that. You work here, find me some help. If you don’t know the answer, find someone who does.
She figured out that’s what I was saying by standing there and saying nothing so she started trying to find me help by bellowing out random names, looking down empty aisles. Personally I believe these were made up names so that she could turn to me and shrug her shoulders, “See? I tried to help but no one is here to help” and get back to the business of stocking plastic containers and ignoring customers and that time it worked because I did not want to be there all night going to Round 2 and 3.
So I walked off. She must have danced a jig.
I found someone else. I asked her if there were any food dehydrators and she had NO idea what the hell they were. I told her, “You know, you can put meat in them and it takes all the water out so you can make things like beef jerky?”
All she heard was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, beef jerky?”
She pointed me to the “housewares department”.
“Ok! Thanks!”
Except...there was NO housewares department. It does not exist.
*&Y@!T!!%!$#@!!!!!!!
I walked around and around and around and eventually who did I see but Miss Housewares Department. Surprisingly she actually cared and asked me if I found what I was looking for. I told her no and asked her again where it might be. This time she told me, ‘Grocery, second line’. WTF does “second line” mean anyway? Second line at check out? Second line on the shelves? Second aisle? And which aisle is second? There’s a thousand fucking aisles here....which one is the first one so I can find the second one?
I tried to explain again what a food dehydrator was. She wasn’t getting it. I asked a customer who came up if he spoke English. Of course not. (Liar.) Finally, we were able to communicate what a fucking food dehydrator was and she told me, I shit you not, “Oh! Cookware, second line, below shelf.”
Jeezus. Krist.
I went BACK to cookware and looked and looked and looked. Finally I did find it. They were easy to miss because there were only two of them. No other brand, no other boxes, no signs, no ads, nothing. Just two boxes that had clearly been returned at one point. WHATEVS! Just get this and get the hell out of this mouse maze.
I got to check out and proceeded to have my patience tested like it does every time I stand in line at check out in any store in this town because, inevitably, someone in front of me is going to want to carry on a 10 minute conversation with the cashier about the products they are purchasing. Last night I got to listen to an older woman go on and on and on and on about the pair of pajamas she just bought. Lady, they’re pajamas. You put them on, you go to bed. It’s not that exciting. And who the hell is in Wally World at 7pm buying pajamas? What the hell did you wear the night before?
Also, the lines at check out started to get really long and then something else happened that always happens here in this town that just WARMS MY HEART. We’ve been standing in line for about 20 minutes when they decide to open 4 more registers. And of course, every single person behind me shot off towards those other registers. There was no fairness, there was no compassion or empathy for their fellow man who had been standing in line WAY longer than they had, NO! It was, ‘Screw you, suckah!’ and off they went. By the time I picked up my items to go to another line, they were all full, as well.
Assholes.
I miss the days, when I lived in Seattle, when a checker would open her register and go to the person who was next in line and have them come over, making it fair. I really do miss that.
Finally I got to the front and decided, because this town has now jaded me, that I would get my revenge on all of those people behind me. Sure, they didn’t do anything to me, that night but I’m positive that I’ve been stuck behind them for far too long in other places. So suck it.
I paid with my tip money. I paid all in ones. I counted them out carefully, slowly and faced all the bills the same way. Then the cashier had to do the same. I could hear sighing and tapping of feet and shuffling around in impatience behind me. Don’t care. If any of you had any fucking decency at all, I would have been in a shorter line and been out of here by now but you all are monkeys in a fucking zoo so again I say, suck it.
Got to my car and again got extremely lucky that I hit the lull in traffic and got out of the parking lot quickly. (Total and complete luck.)
Off to the grocery store. Got all the stuff to dehydrate and made my way to the front of the store to check out. Some guy was having his stuff rung up so I made a quick dash over to grab a drink from a cooler at the front. I was gone a total of 15 seconds. This is not an exaggeration.
When I got back, two guys were pushing my cart out of the check out line and down some random aisle to get it out of their way. The guy who was in line in front of me was JUST putting his wallet back in his pocket and grabbing his bags.
Seriously?
Seriously you assholes?
Naturally I said something about it and they got all gay snotty with me and huffed and clucked their tongues. I replied, “That’s ok, I’m used to the rudeness in this town.” They mumbled something else and I said, “Just remember, Karma’s a bitch.” One gay said, “Yes it is.” So I said, “And when you get yours, I want you to remember me. It’ll be my way of saying, ‘you’re welcome!’”
They actually got a little nervous at that point like I put some kind of voodoo on them or something. Whatever, dudes. You pissed me off with your rudeness, I’m tired as hell and I just spent 30 minutes in Wally Hell, of course I’m going to talk shit right now. Next time, don’t be such pricks and spend a second or two to look around to see if maybe the person with that cart in front of you is on their way back. Assholes.
ANYWAY, I said all of that to say this: We humans are the superior beings. (As has been clearly illustrated by my adventures above, hasn’t it?) I got home, took the hoodlums out for a walk, told them to “hurry up” as I always do. Shasta always goes when and where I tell him to because he’s a good dog. Sakari likes to fuck around and test my patience. But they had to go, really bad so when they did what I asked them, when I asked them, WHERE I asked them, I gave them a freeze dried liver treat.
“Gasp! You are the ruler of everything! What else may I do for you, Master? Anything you want, you see that I’m looking at you non stop right now, just willing and ready to please, anything you ask! You tell me, I’ll do it. And have I mentioned that you look pretty darn good in that color? You do, you are amazing! Please tell me to do something else! I want to be owned, I don’t want to be my own dog anymore. Give me a command!”
Interesting.
When I was done with both of them, I put their “inside” leashes on, the chain ones. They knew, instantly, that the fun and games were over.
Now, I’ve been letting them stay out of the crates at night time, for the most part, while sleeping. Sakari has decided that her place is on the bed, right next to me and this came about after she got spayed and threw that fit...did I tell you all about that? If not, it was the most pitiful, drama filled fest I’ve ever seen performed by a dog. She jumped out of my friend’s car, not realizing she had just been spayed and I guess got a little surprised by it all. So, she commenced to lying on her back, in the wet grass, mosquitoes swarming all around her, in the dark, and screamed at the top of her lungs for a good, solid 5 minutes. And I don’t mean she whimpered or barked, I mean she screamed. Both I and my friend thought something bad had happened to her.
Long story short, come to find out, there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with her, she was being a drama queen.
BUT, before I found that out, I felt so bad for her and was so worried that I let her sleep on the bed with me that night and the next night, “just to be sure” and keep an eye on her.
Now she has claimed that spot on the bed as hers for sleeping purposes.
Fucking dog.
Shasta was allowed to sleep on the floor next to the bed. He was fine with that until about a week ago when he started throwing a fit that Sakari got to be on the bed but he didn’t. And he threw his own dramatic production and I wasn’t getting any damn sleep and so I put him in his crate. THAT worked well!
Not.
After a good half an hour of crying and moaning and whining and carrying on, I realized that I was not going to get any sleep that night. So I caved. I WAS TIRED, OK?! You cannot fault me!
So now Shasta gets to sleep at the foot of the bed because I’m an idiot and they won that one.
Typically what happens is that some time in the middle of the night, they’ll jump off the bed and leave the room to go snoop through the cat litter boxes, fling garbage all over the house or chew something up that doesn’t belong to them. And typically I see it all in the morning but by then it’s too late and there isn’t much I can do about it. I didn’t catch them in the act, I screwed up. I can’t yell at them for it afterwards.
So sometimes they would be in their crates and those were the nights I didn’t get much sleep. Oh, no, they would eventually shut the hell up but I’d hear their toenails on the crate trays as they sat and stood up and sat and turned and sat and stood up and did everything in their power aside from whining to let me know that they were VERY. UNHAPPY.
Total. Assholes.
BUT, here is why I say we are superior. I put those chain leashes on their necks last night, went to bed and they did not move a muscle the entire night. They were still on the bed when I got up to take them out to go to the bathroom. In fact, they were quite comfortable and had no desire to move.
Until I pulled out the freeze dried treats.
>BAM!< At the door, ready to go, let's get this show on the road, sister!
When I came home from work, I took them out, (always one by one, by the way), and decided to use the treats and the clicker for some serious training. Shasta does pretty good off leash but sometimes he'll see another human or dog and take off running towards them completely ignoring my calls for him to return, as if he was suddenly stricken deaf.
Today? I carried the tub of treats on the walk with me, the first time. When he started to perk up his ears ready to run off to something very interesting, I'd shake the tub of treats.
"Wassat?! Treats?"
>Zoom!<
Back to me, right in front of me, I mean, literally right at my feet with the most proper sit any dog has ever done.
Well. Isn’t that interesting.
I repeated this a few times around the area and nothing else on the planet was of any interest to him whatsoever.
Then it was Sakari’s turn. She never listens so I don’t let her off leash. This time I left the tub at home and just filled my pocket with treats and grabbed the clicker. I had her “hurry up” first and then we went to the “run around” area. Before we got there, I clicked the clicker to get her attention. When she looked and sat, I gave her a treat. I did this a few times and she now knew, “Hey, that weird noise means I get something good!”
I decided to test it.
I took her off her leash. God please let this work.
She at first didn’t go very far, just kept trotting along beside me, staring up at me, “Ya got treats? Can I have some? Can I? Huh, huh? Can I?”
When she didn’t get anything, she started to trot off ahead of me. I stopped walking and let her go a little ways and hoped to everything that she would come back.
I clicked. She stopped and turned to look at me. I crouched down, she full on ran over to me. Right at my feet, again, literally, she stopped and sat, blam! Perfectly. “Here’s your treat.”
Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.
I can now walk Sakari off leash. Hole lee shit. It totally worked.
We come back in the house, she sits, immediately. !!!!
AND, here’s a new one:
If I do not get to her in time, she’ll pee in the house. This is why I take them out so often to use the bathroom. But tonight, now that they know they have heavy, noise making indoor leashes and now that they know I have the best treats in all the land, they are doing everything I ever told them to do and then some.
I never taught them to signal me when they needed to go to the bathroom. I would just watch for warning signs...sniffing around, pacing, things like that.
I looked up from the computer at one point and didn’t see Sakari in the living room where I left her. For a second, I was about to get annoyed. But then I looked over and there she was, sitting at the door, looking straight at me.
She was letting me know, she had to go outside to go to the bathroom.
You have no idea how fucking a) cool that was and b) a relief that was that she waited and didn’t piddle in the house.
We went outside, I did not bring treats but she peed exactly where I wanted her to and immediately.
See, the hoodlums may make me look like a complete jack ass sometimes but I’m the human and always find ways to outsmart certain stubborn attitudes from certain stubborn hoodlums. And this, kids, in a long, winded way of telling you, is why humans are superior.
HA! HA! Dogs! I win, you LOSE!
