Saturday, June 12, 2004
What A Boar
[Reprint post]
Wild boars are horrid creatures with long tusks just waiting to rip your flesh from your bones. The one in this photo does not illustrate the size those evil things can get.
They are nasty, nasty animals. When I arrived in Germany for my permanent duty station in the Army, almost immediately we had a field exercise. I was naive to the ways of the wild boar and so was looking forward to going out and playing war games with my training fresh in my head.
As we drove through Germany to our designated area, my SSG decided to fill my head with tales of wild boar treeing soldiers or circling vehicles while soldiers scrambled to the roofs of the jeep or HMMVEE to safety. He warned to keep all pogie [sic] bait inside the vehicle and away from the tent.
As if it could be that easy.
My first terrifying encounter began one night when we were playing a war game with another platoon in our company. We had set up a perimeter near a small road and were waiting to ambush this platoon. It was night time and if any one of you has been to Germany, to their forests at night time, you know you can’t see your hand in front of your face sometimes. So, there I was, 50 pound ruck on my back, LBE, weapon, night vision goggles, etc. lying down, ready to fire. (Miles equipment and blank adaptors.) A fellow soldier of mine was about 50 yards away to my left and the squad leaders were about 50 yards behind us, observing.
At this time, I heard some chirping off to my right. Strange that birds would be out this late I thought to myself as I scanned the scene with my NVG. I blew it off and put my NVG away and relied on my sense of hearing for the “enemy”. Suddenly I heard leaves crashing as if someone was walking through the woods very noisily, right towards my location.
“Man! They suck!” I thought, preparing myself to take down a few enemy combatants easily. I was certain this was 4th platoon, tromping through the forest, haphazardly, and that this night would be quick. Except that the loud thrashing of leaves and snapping of branches was so ridiculous that I began to realize, wait a minute...I know these guys aren’t that careless.
Then came the smell. I remembered the chirping. I did the math.
Oh crap.
I realized immediately that this crashing monstrosity was a wild boar and began to scan for places to run to, trees to climb. The tree I was hiding behind was great for concealment but a joke as far as holding myself and all my equipment. If I did manage to climb the thing, it would bow down, much like in a cartoon, making me nothing more than a snack on a stick for this boar.
The boar came closer and closer and closer.
I was petrified to move. I was lying on my stomach with 50 pounds of gear on my back; a quick dash was out of the question. The boar continued crashing around in my area when it suddenly stopped. I knew it was now a bit to the north and west of me. I swear I could hear it breathing, sniffing the air, smelling my fear and blood.
I peered uselessly into the dark, afraid to reach for my NVG for fear of making a sound and alerting the boar to my precise location, which, of course, is stupid because it knew exactly where I was but in times of fear, you tell yourself a lot of things. I thought about firing at it and cursed that blank adaptor. If I fire at it, I’m just going to irritate it. Then what? Beat it with my M-16 while its tusks rip me to shreds? Oh dear G-d please make it go away.
I heard someone moving up behind me. It was my platoon leader who had come up to ask about the noise. I told him it was a wild boar and that I wanted to get the hell out of there, thank you very much. He assured me everything was fine, it was more scared of me than I was of it, (b.s.), and then proceeded to tell me that he is scared of snakes and some of his encounters.
I was glad he was there because I figured the boar might go for the bigger target, more flesh to gore, maybe it will bypass me. Except my Sgt. got up and walked back to the other platoon leaders. Great, once again, I’m the main course.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity plus a few years, the boar began to move on off to my left. We then encountered the other platoon, ambushed them, took them prisoner and got ready to call it a night. My fellow soldier who had been to the left of me through the entire boar experience stated that he was looking at the animal through his NVG and that it was enormous and was only about 40 feet from my location.
How delightful.
My next encounter happened when we were out playing war games again. We were making our way through the forest and were just about to come upon a clearing, meadow, when suddenly, the earth sucked me in up to my knees.
I fell into a wild boar hole and although I was only stuck in it for no more than 10 seconds, it felt much longer. I’m sure it doesn’t take 10 seconds for a boar to see me crash his home and take a bite producing a nice, healthy slab of meat from my leg to its mouth. I scrambled out of there fast, my platoon leader laughing merrily at my luck and boars.
We made our way across the meadow and then turned around to observe the tree line where we had just come from. The Sgt handed me his NVG and look what we have here! A line of wild boars coming out of the forest on the other side....the side where we had just been....where that hole had been.
At this point I wondered if I was going to get out of Germany and the Army without being gored or tusked to death by a boar. I considered these two experiences, “warning signs” for me. Luckily, I never did see one again in the wild, only in the zoo. When I left, I was given a stuffed animal pig that had been dyed brown for me to remember my experience by.
That character in that Disney movie....? Trust me, they aren’t that cute.
