Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Yee Fricken Haw
Today I attended an event the types I never, in eleventymillion years, would have thought I’d find myself attending. It’s almost embarrassing but the experience must go down for prosperity....or some shit. Maybe I just want to complain. Me? COMPLAIN?
Today.....sigh....I attended......a redneck wedding.
Now, to those who are rednecks....I certainly hope you have better class than the people that were at this wedding and that you enjoy your redneck status. You do what you want, I don’t care, it’s just not my thing. I’m sure many things I enjoy you would not like. So don’t start writing me nasty comments about being a redneck and how wonderful it is. I’m sure you’re happy that way. It’s just not my thing. Are we capiscing each other?
For the rest of you, stop fucking laughing.
The only reason I went is because it was the wedding of a co-worker and I didn’t have it in me to tell her I didn’t want to go. She’s one of the very few co-workers that is not a gossiping, backstabbing, whining bitch. (Bitch refers to men and women where I work.)
So. I went.
And it was everything I feared it would be.
I arrived about 10 minutes before the wedding was supposed to start. I parked my car and sat there for a moment, gazing at the wedding guests. The ones I saw took no effort to show any sign of respect that this was a wedding, a nice event, and did not bother to dress up in the slightest. These people looked like they do every other day in their printed t-shirts, dirty baseball caps and jeans. Every last one of them had a beer in their hand and some of them were already highly intoxicated.
God.
I reluctantly got out of my car and wandered over to where everyone was sitting. I noticed some of my co-workers and since they were the only people I knew there, sat down next to them. A few of them made the effort to dress up and I was quite surprised at how well some of them clean up. One girl I work with whom I despise greatly actually looked pretty decent and I internally thanked her for showing our co-worker bride respect. There were a handful of other people, mostly women, who I did not know, who dressed up but the rest, about 90% of the people looked like they had just dragged themselves out of the bar after an all night drinking fest. One of our co-workers showed up in his work clothes. Seriously?
And of course I got the obligatory stupid comment from a few of my male co-workers about my attire and how they’d never seen me in girl clothes and making all kinds of comments that apparently they use on girls at the bar and I guess these stupid girls fall for it but I’m older now and don’t have time for bullshit from guys anymore. I told them it might be better if they put that bottle in their pie hole and to stop while they were ahead. They’re scared of me so they pretty much did just that.
Oh, this was at an airboat place, (not where I work but close), that has lots for trailers, (travel trailers), so it’s not much of a set up for a wedding, rather it looks like a trailer park. Of course it would be held there. Plus, earlier in the day we had some severe thunder and lightning storms with a shit load of rain so the ground was still wet and in some areas one could sink in it if they weren’t careful where they stepped.
As I stated, some people were already plastered and pilled out and of course my neighbor whom I despise, (he of the shitty underpants), was there making a spectacle of himself. He and his girlfriend dove in to the food for the reception and when people told him to stay out of it he whined that he was hungry and needed food. Nevermind that this was scheduled to give people time to get off of work, go home, get some food, clean up, change clothes, etc. He was so sloppy drunk that he had food all over his face and shirt and someone got him a napkin while saying, loudly, “I guess “John” doesn’t realize he needs a napkin.”
(I had told the bride weeks earlier that if “John” was acting like this, I was fucking leaving as soon as the wedding was over. It’s bad enough I have to live next to him...I do not need to fucking hang around him and his drunk, stupid ass.)
Eventually we all made our way over to the spot where the ceremony was to take place, some stumbled. My neighbor of the shit filled underwear, (you may remember him from a recent episode here at Serenity’s Journal), who was already three sheets to the wind and loud, obnoxious and disgusting, slobberingly bellowed to everyone:
“Shtep around here in a shircle everyone. Make a shircle. C’mon guys...shircle!!!!! (Random name) get over on thish shide of the shirckkkllle sho it ckkan be efen. Sherenity, ckkome up here.”
“I’m fine where I am.”
“Ockhay....everyone wantsh to shay shomething?”
Random Person Who Has To Deal With Dipshit All The Time: “John! Enough.” “John” quiets down....for a minute or two.
We wait. We make small talk. People swill beer. “John” bellows out more random, drunken stupidity. More beer chugging. Belching. A random fart noise that stilled the air for a moment. More swigging of beer, people too disrespectful and halfway tanked to walk to the bathroom facilities, rather, turning their backs and whizzing right there in to the water of the Everglades...right next to the guests, “John” continuing to make an ass out of himself, people haw hawing over stupid, cliche jokes, talks about walking back to the reception area to grab more beer. “Hurry up with the ceremony, I’m runnin’ out of beer. Burp!!!!!” “HAW, HAW, HARRRRRRRR!”
Jeezus...yes, please hurry up with this.
About 45 minutes later the Maid of Honor comes tearing down the road in her truck and informs us that the bride will be there in two minutes. She then proceeds to spin her tires on the gravel road, throwing rocks all over the party, flings her truck on to the grass and slams it in to reverse before peeling out again while in reverse, throwing more rocks around. The owner of the place and another who runs his business there yelled out to her, made her stop her car and basically cussed her out in front of everyone. Girl was hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite. She argued at first but after being threatened to be thrown out of the place, (it is gated...ooooh! gated community! Hardly), she decided to calm down and apologize. She drove off slowly towards the trailer that the bride was getting ready in. Yes, I said “trailer”.
About an hour after start time, the bride pulls up in her truck with a bridesmaid, we all clap, “thank GOD this is getting started”, and it gets started. Except, whoops, we forgot the bride’s ring. So the bride’s maid runs down the gravel road in her high heels towards the trailer in the back to retrieve the ring. She brings it back, hands it to the Maid of Honor who is hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite and she then proceeds to hand it to the bride who is also hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite until the.....uh.....I don’t think it was a priest....whoever, told her to hold on to it. Maid of Honor gave her a dirty look and appeared that she might be combative towards the may or may not be a priest but decided to scowl the rest of the time instead.
Whee! We’re having fun now!
All quiet down and listen. The entire ceremony took about 3 minutes. Now, I know the bride and the groom because of work and there actually was a touching moment there because I noticed that the groom never broke eye contact with the bride and he got a little teared up which actually gave me a lump in my throat as well. (Back story on him...he’s dying of cancer and he’s rail thin, has lost most of his hair and it’s obvious he’s not doing well. This is why this couple decided to get married. Yes, they love each other and they have been together about 4 years. The marriage is so that the bride can take care of him and his needs and not have a hospital or lawyer deny her that.) So, even though thus far the whole thing was surreal, it did have a few sweet moments.
During the part where the bride gives the groom his ring, the bride was so nervous, (and hiiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite), that she could not repeat the words and put the ring on the groom. So, when she was done repeating the words, she was still fumbling around trying to put the ring on the groom. The may or may not be priest didn’t notice and had continued on before looking up to realize the situation. She stopped reading and it was going to be a quiet little joke between her and the couple except that good ol shit underpants “John” had to bark out yet again, “Yur gettin’ ahead of yourshelf, they don’t even have the durn ringsh on yet.” Again, from somewhere in the crowd we heard, “John! Nok it off.” And shit underpants shut his damn mouth.
So, now they are announced as husband and wife, they give a good ol’ kiss and everyone applauds. The next thing I know, half the damn crowd is leaving to the reception area to “get their drink on”. I hung around to give the bride a hug. She saw me and I guess she must not have thought I was coming because she looked at me and started crying, “Oh Serenity! Serenity! Thank you so much! I respect you so much...thank you, thank you, thank you so much!!” And that girl hugged me hard. I thought it was because she was hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite but I noticed she didn’t do that to anyone else. Well. Then. Hm.
I shook the groom’s hand and congratulated him. Stayed around for a photo or two and planned my escape. As I was doing this, some random guy I do not know, have never seen in my life, came up to me and told me that the last wedding he went to they were out on an island. That everyone arrived by airboats. It took them three days to get everyone out there by airboat.
Since that was all he said about it I asked, “And how did that work out?” (Note to self: STOP ASKING FUCKING QUESTIONS TRYING TO BE NICE AND SOCIAL. YOU ALWAYS LOSE.)
He replied: “It didn’t. And that was the third one. He couldn’t keep it in his pants. Chose to put it in other people’s pants.”
OMG, why the fuck did I open my mouth?
Another co-worker I get along with came up to me and I was telling her I was getting ready to leave. She wanted to know why. I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I wasn’t clear that when I said, ‘I hate these people’, I really meant that I hate these people.”
She said she wasn’t here for these people, she was here for the bride and besides, if Mr. Grumpy Pants gets grouchy enough, she was going to beat his ass in front of everyone even if she had to do it without a shirt on.
WTF?!
I said, “I am here because of the bride. The wedding is now over. I’m done.”
I made my way to my car, passing the reception area as I went. It was like looking at intoxicated monkeys in a zoo. Only one person stopped me along the way demanding to know where I was going. “Home.” “See ya”, she said, all offended. I don’t understand why she was offended because while I know her, it’s not like we’re best friends. I’m not going to sit around and watch people get even more drunk, get in fights, make fools of themselves and then all get in to their cars and drive home. Shit faced. Because I am driving, I’m not drinking so this would not be fun no matter how many times a couple of my co-workers said it would be. ‘Just stay to watch the drunk fighting. It’ll be funny.’ Uh, no. It won’t. I can see that kind of shit in my own neighborhood every single night. It’s gone past the funny stage to the “pathetic and disgusting” phase. When I can walk out my door at least once a month to catch a live episode of “Cops”, trust me, the fun factor wears thin.
Got in my car and got the fuck out of there.
It was never on my bucket list but I can put it down there now. I have officially attended a red neck wedding and I will never do that shit again.
