Wednesday, March 10, 2010
You Asked For It
I gotta tell ya, kids, reading the comments from the last post has made me realize, some of you don’t take me seriously. This story makes peopleofwalmart.com, for example, pale in comparison. And yes, I’ve, too, been in the military and heard some disturbing things but this, for me, is worse than anything I’ve ever heard the guys talk about. But, since you all think you can take it, here we go:
First, a little background. I believe I’ve mentioned this character a time or two on this site. I have a co-worker who lives in my neighborhood and unfortunately, that means I get to know more about my co-worker’s life than I care to know. I call him Paris because he is always vying for attention even if it means making himself look stupid. And I mean, STOO! PID! When he tells his stories, he thinks everyone is laughing with him but no, we are all laughing AT him. Idiot.
Anyhoo....as I was thinking about writing this little story, I thought of another story of another neighbor and thought maybe I should start off with that one. You know, kind of ease you in to the filth that lives around me. But no, I think I’ll go right for the throat and deliver the second story as a kicker. You know, while you’re down?
Last week, PH, (Paris, remember?), was in his house with his son and his son’s girlfriend. They all live there and you can always hear them blabbering, getting drunk, cranking the shit music too high, you know, typical crap neighbor stuff. I always thought PH was just a piece of shit, lonely, lacking self esteem and really stupid but I was wrong. He’s worse than that.
See, at about 8pm last week, he came flying out of his door, out of his yard and in to the street, yelling and screaming about something. Naturally, the neighborhood was interested, (or, in some cases, had no choice but to hear), in what was going on. Slowly, heads poked out of doorways, people wandered in to their yards to watch the latest spectacle. Oh the fit PH was throwing. A temper tantrum of incredible magnitude.
He stomped back and forth, practically frothing at the mouth, arms gesturing wildly, beady little eyes growing smaller, face getting darker and darker red, it was something to behold. Everyone wanted to know what was going on. Why was PH so mad! What could they do to help or maybe calm him down?
And then, PH said something that made us all realize, there wasn’t a thing we could do. Hell, there wasn’t a thing we wanted to do. In fact, after PH revealed the problem, at the top of his lungs for several blocks to hear, everyone went back inside and tried to pretend they didn’t hear what they just heard. Or in some cases, some people giggled about it for hours afterwards. (No, not me. I was hovering over the toilet waiting for the puke to rise.)
You see, kids, what upset PH so much was something that had happened inside the home. Apparently, and I don’t know how, nor, frankly, do I WANT to know how, PH caught his son with something PH owns and PH was mighty upset about finding it. How he found it, again, I just really do not want to know. But when the item was discovered on the person of his son, PH decided to fly out of his home, through his yard and into the street to bellow, at the top of his lungs for all the neighborhood to hear....
PH: “Get my buttplug out of your ass! That is my buttplug! I cannot believe you are using my buttplug! Gottdamnit, why are you using my buttplug!?!?”
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Yes. Apparently, at some point, the son found a butt plug sitting around in the house. Obviously he didn’t buy it. His girlfriend didn’t buy it. But he decided to go ahead and insert it in to his ass anyway. And, apparently, at some point, his father, PH, was staring at his son’s butt and noticed his buttplug in his son’s ass. And then proceeded to inform the entire neighborhood about it.
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Right. Shall we go on to the next bit now?
The neighbor who lives right next door to me has a little history of his own antics out here. Thankfully, what happened did not happen while I was here, living next door to him. DrunkFuck, we shall call him. Apparently, some time back, DF was also a crack addict. For all I know, he still is. I just see him drunk. All the time. And he’s one of those drunks who never shuts the fuck up and thinks he’s the authority on everything in the world. I try to avoid him at all costs and only talk to him if absolutely necessary. Like, when the stupid fuck puts his BBQ grill right under my bedroom window so that when he BBQs, my house fills up with smoke and carbon monoxide while I and the cats choke. After two times of this, I had to confront DF.
Anyway, so, he’s in his house one day, drunk, coked out, all kinds of messed up. (Such winners in this neighborhood.) As the legend goes, at some point in time he got in a fight with his old lady. (Different person than who he is with today.) I don’t know what the fight was about or what started it and I don’t care. I do know that alcohol + drugs + two idiots = fight. So they were arguing, loudly, and getting in to it physically. I mean, physically hurting each other. Somehow, DF ended up in just his underwear. Again, I wasn’t here, I don’t know, I don’t care. However, during the altercation with the old lady, she somehow managed to pull his underwear off of him and fling it out the door.
It smacked the window of the neigbhor’s house and stuck there for a minute before sliding down the side. The neighbor was inside their home, minding their own business when they heard something slap the window they were sitting next to. They opened the blinds and were greeted by a pair of underwear filled with human shit stuck to their house. They then, in horror, watched the underwear slide down the house leaving a trail of residue behind.
Now. Kids. Are you getting the full picture? Are you now understanding how serious this is? Will you start taking me seriously in what I say from here on out? When I say something, it’s because I fucking mean it. It’s not because I can’t handle something small or the things that bother me are petty. It’s because I fucking mean it.
Are we all on the same page now?
I hope so. Don’t make me pull out more of these stories because I do have more.
While it may be intended or not, there are times when I feel patronized by some of the things some people say to me in comments and it bothers me. I decided that maybe I have not made myself clear for everyone and that I wasn’t illustrating it fully so that you all could/would understand. I hope this clears any of that business up and that, in the future, you might all give me the benefit of the doubt when I say something is wrong, something is off, something is bad, something isn’t right, something bothers me, etc.
These are my neighbors. When I say my neighbors suck and I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here, I mean it. Do you understand now?
