Tuesday, December 21, 2004
You Call That A Bonus?
Ah, it’s that time of year again where little worker bees are scurrying around excitedly, looking back on all they’ve accomplished this past year and awaiting their little office Santa to bring them a gift. Yes, it’s Christmas bonus time.
Whether or not your company annually gives out a Christmas bonus, you shouldn’t rely on them because anything can happen. (ie: Sept 11th and many who were relying on their cash Christmas bonus found themselves a little screwed that year for counting chickens before they hatched.) And of course we should always be greatful that our company even thought to thank us at the end of the year.
But some bonuses feel like a big slap in the face. I would really like to know what the hell the bosses are thinking when they come up with some of this shit. One year a company I worked for gave us all frozen turkeys. Well, that’s just fucking great. Not only do I get to lug this dead, frozen carcass home on the bus, I do not have the faintest idea how to make a turkey, I do not have turkey making supplies nor do I have the money to purchase such supplies since the company gave us a mere pittance for all the hard work we did bringing them in millions.
However, always one to look for the bright side in things, the whole office got together and we donated the turkeys to the local VFW. None of us wanted the damn things and the VFW could really use the donation so we tried to turn this into a positive thing.
At least the company was making some improvements in their gift giving because the year before that we all received pens with the company logo on them. PENS for krist’s sake! All that hard work, all those late hours, we brought in 50 million that year to that small company and the boss decides that a pen is a suitable way of saying, “Thanks”?
I know, I know...be thankful you got anything, blah blah blah. Did you not hear me? The boss gave us a FUCKING PEN! It wasn’t even a nice pen. It was black and had the company name and logo on it. It didn’t even come in a pretty little pen holder! I have a better idea, Mr. Boss man, why don’t you just cut me a check for the $2.37 you spent on that appreciation gift. At least with the 2 bucks I can ride the bus home and maybe purchase a soda out of the vending machine. That would mean a hell of a lot more to me than a mother fucking pen when I work in an office and the pens are a plenty!
Jeezus Krist why don’t they just line us up in the parking lot and run us over while they’re at it?
“We appreciate deeply all the hard work you have done for us this year and our revenue has tripled because of it. So, to express our gratitude, we knew we had to come up with something really spectacular. After many weeks of meetings, we decided on the perfect gift. That’s right my little employees, this year, you’re getting a PEN!”
Ever wonder why the boss never hands out the bonus personally? If I was the violent type, I would have inflicted great pain upon him by shoving that pen into regions where pens don’t belong.
If you are the head of a company, please, think long and hard about the gift you are giving and what message it will ultimately send. If you notice your earnings dropping off at the beginning of each new year, think back to what kind of “bonus” you doled out the previous year.
At least my Christmas bonuses were never this bad or humiliating. At least I can hide that disgraceful pen in my pocket.
