Monday, January 18, 2010
You Heathens
Why have none of you ever mentioned at any point in the past 7 years just how cool Crock Pots are? I shouldn’t have to ASK, you should just tell me.
I’m putting you all on notice.
And I may come back and make more asinine statements in this post today because I’m incredibly bored. I actually have everything done that I need to do and have been scouring stupid sites on the internets all day today. You have been warned.
Oh, and would it fucking kill you to leave a comment once in awhile?
In fact, the more you all do not comment, the more I’m going to write extremely trivial and boring shit on this here blog. You really do not want that. You think I’m kidding? Don’t test me. I can go on and on for hours talking about boring ass shit that is of no interest to you, whatsoever.
So you wanna play me? Ok, let’s begin with laundry. I have done 3 loads of laundry today. I have two more to go. This includes folding them and putting them away. I use Gain laundry soap. I never measure, I just guess. And then I pour in the fabric softener at the same time, I don’t wait until the washer tells me to do it because I like to live dangerously. Rules are for pansies and little girls. When they are done washing and drying, I like to pull them out of the dryer, hug them to me and take big long deep breath...God I love the smell of Gain.
Wasn’t that fun?! Keep up the silent treatment and I’ll give you a “How To” on folding fitted sheets.
DO NOT MAKE ME GO THERE, KIDS!
You aren’t doing shit today anyway. You’re off work, yes, but I bet you’re sitting on your couch, staring blankly at the television, scratching yourselves and picking Doritos crumbs off the front of your shirt. So spare me the, “I was busy” crap because I know you lie. I got more where that laundry discussion came from.
Update There’s a mosquito in my house.
Update It just bit me.
Update Twice.
Update I’m now eating dinner. It’s a dinner I made in my crock pot that none of you bastards bothered to tell me about in the last 7 years. The mosquito is dead. I’m not having him for dinner. Although the thought crossed my mind.
Update Earlier today I almost purchased a cell phone because I haven’t had one in a few years. Meaning, I stopped paying on my “pay as you go” phone and I think they gave the number to someone else. Although I still write that as my phone number when I order something online. I mean, what difference does it make? I’m not going to talk to the company on the phone because I hate talking on the phone. I’d prefer to conduct my business via email because people really irritate the shit out of me and holding and shitty music and press 1 for this 2 for that and all that other horseshit really grates on my nerves...so it would be pointless.
And I don’t talk to my friends on the phone because I have no friends. Then when I do make a friend, for however long that friendship lasts, especially if it’s a guy friend, I would be constantly looking at it, checking it, wondering why it’s not ringing. Why am I not getting text messages every other minute? ZOMG, they must hate me now. I must have said something in my last text or email or phone conversation that made them think I’m strange and now they don’t want to talk to me but can’t figure out a way to tell me they don’t want to talk to me so instead they’ll just not talk to me at all and leave me hanging wondering, forever, the error of my ways; I’ll travel through life, numb, trying to figure out what it was but because they didn’t have the courtesy to just tell me, I’ll never know; far and wide, to the ends of the earth I’ll search for the answers, I’ll ask strangers on the streets, “What’s wrong with me? Do you think it was this or that or was it how I said the other?” and they’ll scream about the crazy lady harassing them and I’ll have to run off before the cops show up and end up in yet another town to meet another one who will do the same thing and on and on through my life it will go until I die a slow, painful, lonely death always wondering, “Was it something I said?” but never once stop to think that maybe it’s because other people have a life and just because I do not have a life does not mean every one else needs to be there for me 24/7 to entertain me to fill that chasmic void which will in turn drive the person away but of course that won’t click for some time and I’ll email those I know and analyze every last damn angle, syllable, word, punctuation, minute to death until they get sick of talking about it and to me and vanish for awhile and then I’ll feel all fucking stupid and depressed and then get pissed off and think, “fuck the world, I don’t need ‘em anyway” and vow never to let that happen again and sever all communication including devices such as a cell phone.
I then decided not to get the phone. I just saved myself $80 today. I deserve a reward.
Update For dessert, (quick digression: People, please learn the difference between “dessert” and “desert” in spelling. You use the “s” twice in “dessert”. If it’s too difficult for you to remember this simple spelling, then use this lesson I was taught as a kid: You put more s in to dessert because you want more dessert, you do not want more desert. As someone who used to live in the desert, I can attest to that), I had a glass of chocolate milk. Not just any old chocolate milk, I got soy chocolate milk. Oooh, I can see the eyeballs rolling now. Spare me, kids, I’m no veggie head or granola eater. I just ate two pork ribs from my crock pot...which, by the way, was falling off the bone my GOD why didn’t you assholes tell me about these things before? However, as much as I hate regular soy milk, (seriously, that shit is nasty), I love the chocolate milk because it’s not too rich and doesn’t feel heavy after you drink it. It’s got just the right texture, just the right flavor, right weight to it...it’s perfect. I prefer Silk brand myself. If you’ve never had it, just spend the $3 next time you go to the store and just try it. And yes, it does actually taste like chocolate. The first sip you take, there will be a slight soy after taste, I won’t lie but take another sip right after it. It’s good and it’s not that fake ass dieting chocolate crap that companies try to pass off to fatties who are trying to lose weight but can’t keep their pasty mitts off the chocolate bars. Their substitute for chocolate is fucking vile. This Silk chocolate milk, on the other hand, is perfect. I’m off for now to finish my glass but I’ll be back with more boring ass shit for all of you out there ignoring me as if I do not exist.
Update One of the cats is trying to eat my scalp.
Update I’ll have you know, I just cleaned the litter boxes. Do you see the excitement that you miss around here when you don’t bother to stop by! You no longer phone, no longer write...this is the thanks I get for raising you for 7 long years?!?! UNGRATEFUL SWINE! And just when, exactly, will you be producing some blogkids for me to pretend I give a shit about pretend I give a shit about? Do something with yourselves. Get up, get a job, cut your hair and fucking stop by once in awhile just to see if I’m still alive. I could be dead, lying in a pool of congealed blood for WEEKS and no one would know with the amount of attention you give to me.
Update Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I have just partaken in “ATTENTION WHORE” week. If you all keep this up, I could turn it in to ATTENTION WHORE month. Or even ATTENTION WHORE year! Keep acting like you don’t remember who I am and we’ll just see what happens, Mr/Mrs/Miss SmartyPants.
Update I’ve just been informed that commenting on my own comments in the comments section of my own blog is an accepted ATTENTION WHORE technique, per Dogette, the genius behind the celebration.
Update I have watered the plants.
Update My internet went out for a few minutes so I was unable to update you all with my status. This is unacceptable because I, too, am BUSY AND IMPORTANT!
Update I am now going to bed and will continue reading, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, (my favorite), and eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out. I will probably wake up tomorrow with an M&M wedged, melted underneath me. And I will once again post boring and utter crap for everyone out there who pretends they’ve never heard of me. This is your own fault so I don’t want to hear any bitching about this. YOU did this. I learned it by watching YOU!
